Rebooters Journal - Not giving up - Life can be better

Journal
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I’ve been failing horribly this past week, probably this past few weeks.

By that I mean more than usual.

Up all night watching erotic content - I won’t go into unhelpful details

It’s not about libido, I’m a bit older than some

It’s about feeling really unhappy and a sense of despair but there’s no need to be giving in like this.

The weather today is great. The difficult housemate I was sharing with has moved out. I have to move out in 2 weeks and there are stresses and uncertainties around that even though I have somewhere to move but not confirmed so I’m gambling that this remains open. I have an unconfirmed back up place but again I’m gambling it’s not certain either.

I’m typically organised but OCD and PMO sabotage that all the time so I find myself avoiding challenging tasks, and taking unacceptable risks.

I want to change. The PMO addiction lately has been about escapism and feeling better but it’s more fundamentally about despair. It’s partly about a pseudo relationship, pretending I have a girlfriend/wife pretending I’m not completely and utterly alone romantically which I am.

I’m hoping it’s not too late to have a relationship but I’ve been so drugged on PMO I think I’ve preferred that to anything real, except it’s making me unhappy, depressed and stealing my sleep, my focus, my ability to think clearly.

I jumped out of bed today thinking I had to go to work even though I checked in the early hours before I went to bed that I didn’t have work.

PMO seems to be entirely destructive but I won’t give it up.

Well I’m making a choice now to address this issue again. To tackle it seriously.

I’m joining the PA zoom this afternoon (UK time)

I don’t want to live like this anymore even though part of me is clinging to ■■■■ because at some deep level I think I need it, I think it’s meeting a need, providing comfort I can’t get in the real world. Honestly is it providing comfort??

It’s an illusion, a mirage in the desert leading to even more frustration and irritability. I don’t need the stress or broken nights. I need to heal.

Knowing the negatives doesn’t seem to stop me from PMO though. There are some exercises though in visualing how I’ll feel after a session which helps but it’s far from a bulletproof strategy on its own.

I genuinely want to change but what do I do when the urges strike?

Meta script method journalling I’ll try that again

That does help far as I can tell

I have to shift my core beliefs, they are keeping me trapped.

PMO is such an isolating habit, by habit I mean addiction, thousands maybe millions of mostly men/boys masturbating while staring into screens with noone looking back at them, just flickering mostly pink pixels…

Isn’t that a sad and desperate situation?

My situation is horrible that’s the reality and it seems entirely avoidable.

I don’t want to waste anymore of my short life on this addiction.

It’s achieving nothing, just an endless cycle of highs and lows and regret.

I’m thinking at the root of this is a desire for intimacy, the assumption that I’ll never have that and so PMO is the best I can get.

Fundamentally do we all just want to feel loved? Or just have some skin on skin contact that doesn’t leave us feeling guilty and ashamed..

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Yes, Life can be better.

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Yes I do believe that

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Age doesn’t matter – 40, 50, or 60. I’m also 40
What matters is whether you want to change and stop being a prisoner of your own mind.
You can do it at any age – it all comes down to your determination.
You can be free at any age.
Build your own system of positive habits. Everyone’s different – work fills your day, great. But after work don’t just sit with a beer and start scrolling. That’s a trap.
Start occupying your mind with something, crosswords, books,exercise even collect stamps – whatever you like. Physical stuff resets your head, kills urges.
If you’re religious – start praying. It gives you the feeling you’re not alone, that there’s God above you. No more loneliness in this fight.
Cold showers – real game changer for me. 1–2 minutes of ice-cold water total reset. Cortisol drops, negative thoughts vanish, you come out calm, clear-headed.
Meditation – tough at first. Sitting cross-legged for 10–15 minutes sucks. But start with 10 minutes a day, build up slowly. After 1–2 weeks it becomes habit. Then your brain stops sabotaging you – you take control.
Cut social media hard. If you scroll, turn on grayscale. Colour is a trigger – it fires up brain zones that pull you into crap. Grayscale cuts the pull. Turn it off for photos if you need, but flip it back when temptation hits.
It all works if you do it every day. Avoid therapists and psychologists.
They treat only symptoms, not the root.
And paying for therapy? It just reinforces hopelessness and emptiness
You have to heal yourself.
If you don’t – no one will do it for you
Don’t look for a wife, girlfriend, or love if you’re still a prisoner of your own mind.
First free yourself and heal – otherwise she’ll be miserable with you. First ten days are the worst – your brain will rebel, crave dopamine hits, but you won’t give them.
After ten days, things start stabilising.
Just stay consistent

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That comment is holy bible in itself.

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Good tips there. The ultimate key is changing the mindset then everything else can follow, at the least proper mindset is the foundation upon which everything is built.

I have to believe it’s worth changing my lifestyle, that life can be better and that I can do that, that’s it’s not too late to change..

I’ve just moved house, living with relatives and I feel that I’ve gone backwards in my life. That nothing has changed in decades and that my life is as good as over and guess what? I’m binging like crazy because that is my current mindset.

A change of thinking will get me a streak at the least but my thinking has to change at the most fundamental level.

It’s hard living a double life life and having a secret shameful habit .

I don’t need this shame or this addiction

I want to change, I bloody need to FFS.

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Guys I’m not doing well.

Constant binging last three days including today. I know it’s related to faulty thinking, feeling hopeless, believing my life is over, ruined and utterly pointless.

I can change that but before someone gives me the cliched answer of find meaning, do hobbies, stay busy yeah that will help but it doesn’t address the root issues..

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Exactly my current thinking as well :folded_hands:

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How are you? Sent you a “DM”

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It is not easy to change when we have a comfortzone & no major duties.

Change is painful in beginning but at the end it is worth it.

Either live life the hard way or easy way. Choice is ours.

Life of a pmo addict is hard.
Life of a streak person is easy.
Discipline is not hard compared to effects of pmo.

A streak person can face adversities of life but an addict shakes in face of new & challenging situations.

A streak person enjoys life & he finds happiness in facing fears & difficult things. He loves to meet people & socialize.
While a pmo person is drowned in his own thoughts & is burning from inside.

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I was going to start a new thread but I’ve forgotten how to do that on here so I’ll continue with this one.

I’m still struggling. It’s a bit pathetic.

The mindset hasn’t shifted and I haven’t put the work in yet in order to do that.

I know what I need to do, I’m obviously just too lazy to do it.

I need to lock down my PC better because the accountability software can be bypassed easily now that I’ve found the loophole. It is a speed bump? Hardly. It’s a formality to bypass it and I like problem solving the obstacles I put in place. So that’s very Jekyll & Hyde. Who am I today? The better one of those two but last night was a different story.

I don’t want to be this person. I’ve moved in with relatives now so I’m extra careful to not get caught or suspected. The PMO habit is leading to increasing isolation and shame.

I think maybe just living with another male in the past eased pressure around being caught in the act. I never was really caught in the act as such but had a few close calls over the years. Maybe it would have helped if I had been caught, it might have provided motivation to change?

This is my waffling post. I have brain fog from yesterday’s binging so excuse my meandering.

Actually focused Metascript journalling is effective so I will be doing that again.

I just like to journal generally as well so I guess I can do both.

I’ve been hung up in the past over which system to use in overcoming PMO. Can I use multiple systems, what if the methodologies clash? I can see that is just anxiety and self defeating. I just need to get free and the quicker I can do that now the better.

The secret double life has been a (false) comfort for so long.

Won’t my life feel empty without PMO?

Maybe only for a short while but I can fill it with much better pursuits. I wonder what life would be like with no tech, just living outdoors and surviving. Life would be hard but a lot better I think.

Anyway over and out for now.

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Ok I’m still failing.

I haven’t quit quitting though, yesterday was bad, another reminder that the PMO lifestyle is incompatible with the rest of my life.

It’s incompatible with my morals; I wouldn’t treat a woman so badly although I’ll admit PMO almost led me to take advantage in two different situations, situations of which I am not proud of myself. That was due to PMO brainwashing I think.

PMO is incompatible with the way I want people to see me, my public face; I’m awkward at times maybe but I dread being thought of as a perv or predator.

I don’t want or need the shame issues PMO creates or the hypocrisy that comes with publicly denouncing that which I partake in on some level.

I’ve been happy to tell trusted men about this issue but it’s unwise to tell anyone or everyone.

PMO is incompatible with my Christian faith, beliefs, friendship group, church attendance and private bible studies (occasional)

PMO exacerbates the OCD which is already a problem for me in many ways , I can’t afford to worsen the problem and I can’t get free from OCD or make progress if I continue to PMO.

It sabotaged my treatment with Steps 2 Wellbeing, it seems that PMO is the primary issue above dealing with the OCD.

It seems from what I’ve learnt that a lack of purpose is the big problem. No overarching goal, vision or self belief.

I have to take the risk of having a goal which I might fail at, I have to risk trusting myself.

I want to be disciplined and put all this nonsense behind me.

I want to change. I must change.

I know God can help me to quit this addiction to erotic content for good.

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