Rebooter's Diary

[Rebooter81]

I start this diary with a one week streak having faced minimal urges so far.
I know from experience it gets more difficult and that I need to be prepared to face some big urges followed by even bigger urges
As someone who is a bit older than some on here it does seem to be the case that libido dies down a little with age, I’m no longer in my 20s.

Behind these urges is pain and I expect that is the case for many on here though perhaps not all but for many, if they can access their feelings then behind those urges there is some serious pain
This was mentioned in Mark Queppet’s most recent man vs world youtube video namely that behind what we think is a high sex drive is possibly pain or boredom or discomfort and our befuddled brains are just conditioned to pointing us towards pmo to relieve our pain/boredom/loneliness/ discomfort.
So that urge you are feeling reader may not be related to lust or your biological sex drive.

I write this feeling some pain myself and not knowing how to proceed with dating at my age anyway best go to bed it’s 4am!

[Rebooter81]

10 days on counter.

Glad I’ve got this far.

Yesterday was good managed to get to church, got prayed for because I have anger issues and bible group Zoom in the eve.

Struggling with some health issues at the moment which is really frustrating and literally driving me up the wall. Must remind myself not to smash anything today…!
On the positive I’d be feeling even worse if I had wanked myself into oblivion today or last night so there is that… . . .

It’s crazy how we use p0rn to self soothe.
If you’ve not heard of Dr Trish then I recommend her podcast and YouTube vids. I’ve related so well to her videos on edging and literally flooding the brain with dopamine and frying out the reward circuits in my head.
I’m not certain a muse head band is necessary for p*rn recovery but I also wouldn’t rule out using one

My concentration and motivation have suffered a lot because of p*rn use and I’m looking forward (that’s a positive faith statement) I am looking Forward to regaining concentration and motivation on this journey. Must stay positive.
These damnable health and emotional pmo challenges are opportunities for growth right??

Going out for a walk which should help the asthma symptoms caused by silent reflux… !

[Amitroghates]

@Rebooter81

10 days on counter.

Congratulations brother

[Rebooter81]

Unfortunately I broke my streak on day 11

[Rebooter81]

So I’m going to be really honest and just see what you guys think. I found myself on Cam sites not going to go into details because might be triggering for some but after hours of that a few nights in a row I find myself wanting to obsess about a particular ‘star’ maybe because there is a likeness to a girl I know but the one I know already has a boyf but we are friends anyway no problem there. However I’ve noticed this tendency I have to idolise the perfect woman with the perfect body practically feels like worship… after a few days of pmo I’m just starting to wonder why do I bother trying to be a good Christian or abstain?
Sorry of this sounds desperately immature or whatever as I said I’m just being honest. I now find myself really conflicted, I’m really frustrated at being single at my age which is older than many on here, I’m frustrated that being a Christian means waiting until I get married before sex (yes I know many Christians break that rule anyway)
I almost ‘rebelliously’ with desperate immaturity no doubt want to break with my Christian morality just because I can and feel like I’m missing out and have missed out all these damn years. Equally my Christian faith is still important to me but I can’t reconcile it with my sex drive, my frustration, my disappointment etc
Yes before someone chimes in I know that it’s about relationship with God not rules blah blah well it’s kinda about rules too just spend any time with certain Christians and you’ll soon find out what is and isn’t acceptable… and I worry too much about what people think and why should I?
I dont even understand myself anymore but maybe this is what ■■■■ indulgence does it just screws with our minds
Just so frustrated and I’m aware that pmo has probably only ever made my situation worse.
I have ocd and major shame issues and some trauma from childhood and pmo has only made everything worse far as I can tell, it’s made the ocd behaviours worse because of increased shame so I know that pmo is not a helpful behaviour and has only led to more and more frustration…!!
It’s hardly surprising, how can staring at beautiful naked women who you cannot possibly date or be with cause anything except desperation and intense frustration?
Over the years I’ve only added to my frustration with my frankly bizarre and peculiar behaviour, specifically flirting with non Christians but not with the intent of committing only seeing how far I could take the idea I’ve wasted so much time flirting with girls but never commiting because i was too scared, how cowardly am I? I really hate myself for being so pathetic
I could blame my upbringing, the church I grew up in, God, the devil: always convenient to blame the devil isn’t it? I could just blame myself for being an idiot but the blame game has to be counter productive…
I can’t resolve this issue that’s what I’m trying to fking say
At least I haven’t been able to after all these years all this bloody doublemindedness and putting on a face because I was scared about what others thought. Do bear in mind though I’ve shared this motherfking frustration with countless ppl over the years but sharing hasnt solved sh*t I’m still a f**k up
What’s the lesson: probably don’t watch ■■■■ kids
Should I just accept that I’m too messed up to have a relationship? Or should i just put my ‘morality’ on hold and see if that causes problems or not
Should I worry about my eternal destiny?

Give it a week of not fapping and I’ll probably start to feel better but these issues remain entirely unresolved as they always have been0

[Rebooter81]

So I’ve had an absolutely disastrous few days of ■■■■ binging. I don’t even know exactly why it has been particularly intense this time. I think I was looking for satisfaction, part of my mind is not in sync with the rest of it and genuinely believes watching ■■■■ is a solution and a good strategy for life!!??!
So I could spend awhile analysing it and I likely will but top priority now is starting afresh, getting accountable with a few people I know, carrying on with rereading EasypeasyWay, watching no fap videos, getting disciplined, getting some prayer and fasting. Yes fasting has been one the few methods that has helped in the past.

[Rebooter81]

I have finally joined Mark Queppet’s self mastery programme it includes the reforged man course which I was thinking about joining probably over one year ago possibly several years ago. I find it really difficult to make decisions and this last week I literally went overboard on pmo after breaking an 11 day streak which isn’t really even much of a streak but I almost had to hit rock bottom to realise that actually I dont want to be spending my nights watching p*rn live streamed or recorded… All of this binging finally helped me make an actual decision on joining a programme. I was actually part of Mark Qs discord community but I was a bottom tier subscriber paying the minimum and I didn’t benefit much but now that the setup has changed customers do have to pay a lot more it’s true but now I have access to lots of content that I would not have been able to access so now I get to make some real changes because I have as they say ‘skin in the game’ I’m investing actual money into this programme which naturally means I am more committed
I know it’s going to get tough, I will probably think about quitting and getting my money back within the month using the 30 day money back guarantee. I will shirk the daily videos and lessons if I’m not disciplined but I’m planning to make a real go of this with my ‘post nut clarity’ thanks for the juicy phrase @Forerunner
I still believe real in-person accountability is better than a virtual community, telephone calls with people I know is better than chatting on a blog post absolutely but we do the best with what is available and the community does do video calls although on US time not UK time zones. We get out what we put in.
Wish me luck

[Rebooter81]

3 days on counter. Had no temptation to resist yet although actually just remembered I had a dream with a lot of nudity in it but it wasn’t triggering strangely. At this stage an erotic dream is unusual but I expect I will be getting erotic dreams around day 14 or 20 on a streak
The commitment I’ve made to the reforged man course has given me new clarity and purpose so far… yes so far but I know my commitment will be challenged and I will start asking myself if I really want to abstain, if abstaining is realistic and worth the effort, if this whole process isn’t too difficult and unfair, if I’m not being unfairly denied etc
The battle is in the mind it seems
Today was busier so that always helps
Unfortunately I’m not working at the mo so I have far too much time on my hands but i do have some projects that I’m undertaking to keep me busy but two them require a lot of self motivation which I don’t have much of
I really need a structure for each day and then to stick to it.
What I’m finding helpful is to have tasks in the day broken up by reward eg a walk, a social, a meal and this helps with waning concentration
Yeah I like writing which is why this diary is overly long and probably rambles on a bit.
A more focused checklist would likely be more effective but I know it will be interesting to look back on this in the future. Maybe a checklist at the start of each diary and then to ramble on about various things, thoughts, observations, realisations etc…

[Rebooter81]

4 days on counter

Went to bed far too late yesterday as was gaming
Up far too late today

However I watched another video in the reforged man course

Included getting a life vision in order to quit ■■■■
The concept of buying into your own vision, buying into this commitment
Pros and cons of using ■■■■ and pros and cons of quitting. I.e counting the cost

My list of pros and cons:

PROs and CONs Re: P0RN USE

Pros: (reward of not quitting )
Makes me feel good in the moment
Little effort required
Blocks out emotional pain
I get to fantasise about nude women whenever I choose
The ultimate Easy button for feeling better in the immediate short term

Cons: (cost of not quitting)
I feel worse in the long term
I stay trapped forever
I never move fwd with my life
I continue to live with internal conflict and social anxiety and shame
I stay double minded
I continue to be desperate and needy around girls
Time wastage
No motivation
Life wastage
Life ruined by it if I don’t change meaning long term unhappiness and misery
Remain single, remain living where I am and I really want to move out not getting on well with the other lodger…
Remain unemployed potentially
Never have the life I wanted because didn’t try hard enough or smart enough and didn’t believe I could change or achieve

Cons of quitting = The Cost
Will be difficult maybe really difficult
Will take a lot of effort
Will be painful maybe really painful at times
I won’t be able to get a quick fix instead I will have to face what I’ve been avoiding (that’s a good thing!)

Pros of quitting = The Rewards

Will become the man I want to be
Single-mindedness no more internal conflict
Possible dating in the future
Feeling confident
Feeling good about myself
Not feeling ashamed
Brain working better, no more brain fog
Success in side projects, part time work maybe full time, a successful career perhaps
Moving forward in all areas of my life: relationships generally, finances, meaningful work, exercise, physical health, brain health, spiritual progress, more peace, more joy.
Enjoying self discipline
Just achieving so much more with my days and feeling good about that

So discipline still seriously lacking at the moment but must move forward with what I am doing better at and stay positive

Thanks to those who respond to these posts as not getting much response in the other (Mark Q) community at the moment

Rbtr81

[Rebooter81]

[Rebooter81]

Day 5 today
That’s actually not much as I have coasted to 10 days in the past many times without temptation in that period but the important issue is wether I am building the daily habits and am fully committed so that I get to day 14, day 21, day 30 and onwards.
My longest streak was 27 days and that was mostly due to a week of serious discomfort with my bowels meaning I couldn’t eat properly for a whole week. Pain and involuntary fasting on and off for a week enabled me to get to 27 days
Now I’m hoping that serious commitment and a solid plan and routine will enable me to reach a new record

[Rebooter81]

Relapsed last night with M in bed accompanied by P thoughts and choosing to remember P scenes. Followed this by watching actual P on tablet because might as well now and then did this a 2nd time so 2x Pmo with chaser effect.
Now I’m a bit disappointed that I have to restart my streak yet again.
On reflection my routine has been completely shot for ages; being unemployed I go to bed at 2am - 4am and get up 12pm - 2pm shocking I know. I have some issues making working quite difficult at the moment which is making the pmo a harder problem that it might otherwise be, if I was busier it would likely be easier to manage but of course even when i was working I had big problems with pmo.
So what the hell went wrong this time?
Well my routine has been shot as I said and last night I felt pretty low, I just wanted to stay up all night listening to a podcast or anything just not going to bed. Maybe because going to bed felt lonely and painful? Maybe just another bloody day of the same old sh*t I was putting off. Then in bed I found myself reaching for my **** it was automatic and I was literally acting on autopilot.
However here is where the metascript method would have been useful : at this point I should have got out of bed because 'we are not breaking this streak and relapsing! Come what bloody may we are not relapsing ’ That is what i should have bloody said to myself but of course didn’t.
I should have recited strong reasons to continue with the nofap journey and ultimately break free of this addiction. Then maybe some praying, reading the bible, even a quick walk outside (even though I was exhausted) might have helped then I coukd have gone back to bed, collapsed with tiredness and slept without w**nking. As described the Masturbation then led to PMO which also was not necessary and then another pmo after trying to get some sleep.
Now that my brain has had it’s dopamine and opiods release it’s sated for the time being.

Now for a new start:
Get on with the reforged man programme
Let an accountability partner know
Recommit to abstinence
Bible reading
Prayer

If I don’t then I’ll be relapsing tomorrow or the day after once again. Now the next few days will be more difficult because of this.

It’s not ok. I do want to quit this, just seems like maybe I have a lot of work to do

[Rebooter81]

I’m not giving up but I have to restart once again after a 6 day ‘streak’ yes I know 6 days is pathetic but there you go. Post nut clarity
I didn’t even want to do pmo that’s how stupid this addiction is.
Got to get disciplined that is half the battle the other half is accountability, sticking to a programme which overlaps with the discipline aspect and correcting my thinking ok that also is corrected in part by the programme “reforged man” I dropped the ball on that so got to to get back to that.
At least the daylight forced me to get up earlier today even though I was in bed for 3am hopefully not but I Will get to bed at a decent time tonight. I read recently that people think getting up early is what requires discipline but it’s actually going to bed! At a decent time! That requires! DISCIPLINE!
That is one of my battles aggravated by eating late and having to wait for up to 3 HOURS for my food to digest because of ACID REFLUX which means I go to bed LATE!! That and feeling depressed but shit I have a few things to get out of bed for so that should help.
I guess for all of us we don’t just have a pXXX problem we have life problems that we medicate with pXXX use…

[Rebooter81]

MO before I got up today but at least not a PMO session. Yeah I’ll take that as a positive having resisted the chaser effect for about 48 hours.
Now I have to recommit once again and get back to the reforged man programme I have been neglecting.
Daily discipline is still an issue but the more commitments I have in the day then the less time in which to indulge this addiction.
Fundamentally I still feel that my thinking is flawed leaving me vulnerable to temptation
Recently used Tinder for affirmation really but it just led me back to ■■■■. I’m still really frustrated over being single at my age but I’ve had different issues as well as p*rn to contend with. Once again I’ve realised I’m happier just accepting my current single status and Christian dating sites don’t trigger me because the girls don’t pose in bikinis and in addition there is no conflict with my value system by only pursuing Christians. Can I authentically pursue a relationship with a non christian ? I don’t think so because I’m not being honest about the importance of my faith to me even though I frequently rage at God over my circumstances I still find myself somehow to be fundamentally a christian in spite of the inner conflict and turmoil. Swearing at God and watching copious amounts of ■■■■ hasn’t made me a non believer just a highly conflicted one…
Ultimately I should probably recognise that Satan has made inroads into my life and is now causing absolute havoc.
So back to my single existence trying to do the right thing, trusting God, believing there must be loads of christian girls out there and I only need one but I’m not ready, I’m a frickin mess so that’s the journey becoming more whole and ditching this addiction

[junnaever]

I don’t know if you are still here or how it is going, but I wish you luck.
Its a worthy goal and can be life changing.
Good luck out there bro.