Relapse, relapse, third relapse and another relapse in this month of february. This never stops unless I try so hard. I have full support from my mother as a secret she keeps for herself, and I went full on hard mode for 31 days sinch NYE. This was supposed to be my New Years Resolution, to stop masturbating, watch hardcore porn and orgasm for little amount of time, realizing that it is only me and no one else but a small screen i look at when ejaculating and making an O-face before a whore who is getting pounded for money and adult fame. I explaned my mom about NoFap, that i have tried several times to stop this filth, what happens with me when I abstain from PMO, what kind of changes i feel and she totaly agrees with the true facts i shared. The thing is, me as a muslim, i should never have watched porn and masturbate in the first place. I was accompanied by bad friends who at this time thought that mastubating, porn and condoms where a popular and cool thing. Turns out i was the one trapped in that bad enviroment, i just kept masturbating, days and days, week after week, use it as an escape for the ugly days i had, from my father bullying me to other bullies at school. Even in the mosque I have dared to look and download porno pictures. I had my little sister phone, long-story-short I pretended to read the quran and the phone was laying there with an open pornographic page. That is anyway a long story for another time.
On NYE, my mother said something that I never have thought was real about porn, which in fact is exactly and shockingly true. She said “those who are doing porn, showing themselves naked and go at it, are INSANE INHUMANE ANIMALS. This is pure work of the devil and what you have done is done, may Allah forgive you for your sins. Premarital sex is forbidden in our religion, yet what these people do have no souls, and have a spesial place in hell”. She naturally encouraged me to continue from this day on and whenever i have urges, the best way is to use my sexual energy on gym exercises.
So moving on, one week after NYE, college begins and i travel home, feeling like a unworthy piece of shit. I have low libido, i am negative, curse and get mad for no reason whatsoever and wait for that change to happen, in addition to axiety, nervousness, being unconcentrated during lecture, pluss drift my mind away on unrelate imaginations. I try to focus on my studies till i travel away for this job as a studentabamssador for two consecutive weeks, stayed at my familie’s house for 5 days as a “time-out” from my studies even if college just began for this year. Finally on the last day of my job, I reached 31 day streak on a friday (my best so far was 40 days streak and wanted to beat that). So i have not intended to touch myself of course, just to relax when i come home from a long journey, take a shower, watch a comedy and eat pizza. The next day is a fuck-up. I was laying on my bed, had strong urges and i did search for a pornstars name on reddit from my phone, then another one, and one more until i came on thinking that i have relapsed and it was late after i decided to deleted the application. I took a cold shower to wake up, cool down my desires and clear my mind. (TRIGGER WARNING: what you are about to read next may destroy your day, but i have to let it go off my mind), So i wasted half of the day and sunday only by watching porn, because i let my stupid-self and this stupid brain to go search for an australian female pornstar after the toughts of a sexy big breasted and curvy brunette with high heels, and lesbians. Since then i have only relapsed almost the entire week because right now i am not trying hard to forget the thoughts of pornographic images. Nowadays, when i search for a video it takes time to find one that i might jerk-off to and find it boring afterwards because there is no change. It is the same type of bullshit. And this happens to all of us, we find a video with a woman who we think is hot, play the video, skip to the part we find amusing and desirable, then after we finish there is no happiness. If it was supposed to be satisfaction, which never was, its wasted on something more dull than watching a boring documentary at school. Either she is doing solo in front of the camera, lesbian-play or getting pounded in terms of voyeurism, there is no joy in that anymore. Low libido now, feeling again like piece of shit, feeling dumb, cant even look at girls around my age in their eyes and say hello. All that for 10-minutes-of-orgasm wasted and looking at the results make me reconsider my decisions:
I WILL NOT GIVE UP! MY FUTURE IS AT STAKES AND PMO WILL NEVER DISTURB MY LIFE ON. I WILL QUIT WATCHING PORN, I WILL QUIT MASTURBATION AND FIND OUT WHO I REALLY AM! I AM NOT GOING TO LET PMO DESTROY MY PLANS, SO THAT I WILL REGRET IT, NEVER! NON PMO IS MY GOAL!
WE ALL LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE MOST WESTERN PARTS OF THIS PLANET, A THING CALLED PORNOGRAPHY IS LEGAL, IN ADDITION TO MASTURBATION, IS SOCIALLY ACCEPTED - LINKED WITH PROSTITUTION, SEX TRAFICKING AND OTHER MENTALLY-ILL CRIMES! WE HAVE ALL MEN AND WOMEN, ME AND YOU, BEEN VICTIMS OF THIS FILTHY ILLNESS AND SEEN THE CONSEQUENSES! WE HAVE FELT THE COST OF THIS AND FORTUNATELY AFTER RELEASING OURSELF FROM THIS PRISON, THAT IS ACTUALLY WHAT DEFINES US FROM THIS WORLD OF SINS.