Rab's second Diary [25M]

[Rab_J]

3/2/25

I had great day today, after some depressing days, God changes the tide again, only with his grace this day was possible.

I had 4 hour of sleep last night, so I’m pretty tired still. Despite the sleep deprivation, when I met with my classmates and professor I felt much better, and happy.
My parents and I presented today the final project for the semester, it went much much better than I expected, they were amazed by it and showered us with complements eventually giving us full grade on the presentation, only one other team got this grade.

After that we had a break, where at the campus they gave us beer, waffle and popcorn and music , felt like great miny party.

After that I went to the art building, where I presented one of my pieces and gave 15 minutes lecture , and so did 3 of my great classmates. They where impressive and it was the best lecture I had since 7 years. It was impressive, interesting, and emotional, I felt love and support from all my classmates.
Eventually I had practice with the choir, it was alright, didn’t do great, but the atmosphere was great, comfortable and fun.

After that I had to sit on my ■■■ and submit couple assignments.

For a day started at 6am with only 4 hours of sleep, to end up after midnight. It’s a day I would want to remember and relive it.

Oh and I had break at 8pm, at the mountain alone with some music, just 20 minutes break on my way home.

Thank God for this great day.
I was depressed and I couldn’t ever imagine it would go this good, it went against all odds and expectations. Thank God for his gift, for great day.

I have hard weeks coming, I hope it gives me the strength I need to keep up with the work load I have

[Rab_J]

I’m not doing well,
Been slightly sick, very tired and lonely.
More than ever stressed but didn’t realise it much before.

My therapist asked me about my tasks and responsibilities, and after answered him, he said (maybe you’re stressed about it, and maybe its alot so you gotta chose which are you going to actually do, maybe you can’t do everything"" )

And In my head the tasks are big, but I’m alos capable, and I feel rage when someone says otherwise, it’s just that the problem relies elsewhere

Take a strong car/jeep, the road might be tuff but if the car is strong it still needs gas, and I feel like I’m blessed with capabilities, but I lack Gass.

I can’t find good reason for me to go through the struggle and do my tasks, I’ve nothing to look forward to, and no one to look up to, and kinda alone in my life despite being with my family and all but it ain’t healthy and they have lost me in some ways.

[Rab_J]

13/2/25 22:00
First day I don’t relapse

I didn’t eat much today, my stomach hurts and feels funny, I’m freezing despite wearing many clothes and turning on the heaters and stuff. My feets are freezing my balls are hurting.

I had croissant and coffee at 11 am, I ate a sausage from a bakery at 15:00, thats it for the day. I tried to study with a colleague, we didn’t progress at all. I know I’m not helping myself but idk, I feel like I’ll vomit if I move more or if I eat. If i could in an hour or so I’ll try to get out of bed and make something. Theirs is nothing to make but just cook but its alright.

[Rab_J]

17/2/24

I relapsed 3 times yesterday, after 3 days of not doing it. I don’t really care about it, cause I know it’s just a symptom and not the actual problem.
I’m depleted as long as I’m around my parents, I should muster the strength to move away, I’m concerned that things my get worst if I do.

Many times specifically at night, I get stuck in negative thinking where I can’t appreciate the good things, I think about that I want this all to end, like would be nice if something happened to me and I didn’t have to deal with the burden of putting my family intentionally in tuff situation. I won’t actually hurt myself though, I’m the kind that takes one fall after the other and keeps standing just to take another hit another fall.
Sometimes, I think maybe I should write my family something if anything where to happen to me, then I can either tell them how awful they’ve been and teach them a lesson which most definitely they still won’t understand, or make it that I leave them something good. It’s just very negative and sad.
At this very minute, I can see now all the good and blessing that I have and appreciate, I just feel helpless, chained, it’s sad that I’m feeling like this for years.

[Rab_J]

28/2/2025 02:37AM

Care Less
An advice given to me by my cousin, care less. As he knows my struggles and comforts me with his, he said “with time I became numb, I started to care less”.

It’s sad to live a life where you care less, it’s sad that you have to care less in order to live since life became such a struggle and a burden. I think what makes life so precious and valuable is caring for things, for people, and caring less is just taking the life out of life killing it slowly.

I share this because I’m being distracted by many things and being overwhelmed, feeling helpless,weak and depressed. People always want me to function well and deliver, they want me to be a secured profit for there own gains, but no one really cares, as they seem to care less and less.

people want me to function, they want all the good that I can bring, but when it comes to my struggles I’m alone in that, not only that, but if struggle they will condemn me for it as if I choose to suffer. this sounds cringe and all but who cares, I suffer because I still care, and I refuse to care less, there should be another answer for this.

Guys, I can’t describe in words the pain I’m feeling. Years in the past I used to inflict some physical damage to my hands so I would be distracted from my inner feelings, at years before that when I struggled my father used to hit me one hard blow, which would force me to function properly and do the work, it’s just when I have this great physical pain I’m distracted from my inner feelings. Today I don’t hurt myself, but I sit helpless, chained, saddened and pained.

[ncubeanelem]

You are a good person for never ceasing to care, don’t let anyone take that away from you. I don’t think what you wrote is cringe, I can relate with some of it. Make sure to love yourself a lot more whenever it feels like nobody else cares.

[Rab_J]

Thank you my friend for your kind words and support

[Rab_J]

I don’t fckn matter, no one actually sees me/notice/care for me. This awful feeling is when people ask so much and give back very little or even nothing, someone ask you to shut up and give up your plans and life because they are going through something, and this something is years and years, and you are just on hold, no one cares for you, while they require your attention 24/7 they pay you no attention or respect or anything.

It’s fine my father/family don’t care for me, but at least don’t ask me to cancel myself for their own sake, and the world will fight me if I take care of myself.

• 4.5 years ago I was at a low point for the same reason, I needed help, I asked my family they shut me down yelling and cursing at me, someone on the family was getting married so it was tense 6 months, especially when the groom and the bride did some shit and the whole thing was about to collapse, again it came at my expense cause I had to suck it up what ever I was going through. It ruined my life because I’m supposed to help and save all the family but no one is supposed to care for me.

• before that there was many occasions where I have to suck it up and neglect myself as everyone else did because “your father is mad, he’s probably going through something”

A man than thousand of people offered him their time and money and help. , just fck my life because my father is walking on earth.

Lately my father wants to build up 2 floors, so far costed around 300k$ , a money that isn’t even his. we all have to put up with this. When I had exams without telling anyone he brought 10 workers stared the whole workshop of destroying parts of the house, every day for a month, and I’m supposed to help them all. Well I said million time I had exams I need my peace and quite and all.
So it’s not that he doesn’t care and always crossing boundaries, it’s that I must kneel down and help and prioritise him and if I look after myself then its hell fire on me.

As all geniuses before you people suggested, “Move out don’t whine about it”. if I move out on a terms it’s hell fire on me, declaration of war against me. The whole family will hate me.
Also I’ll have to pay up 20k$ to get myself started then also rent ans daily expenses, and I have to give up my family.

Why should I always pay the price? When I’m always there for them, if they need money I’m there, if they need some company I’m their, some consoling, I’m there, anything I’m there for them, why should I always be the one that is leaving and paying the price when my father is a big part of the problem, the money isn’t even his, me and everyone one of my siblings and my mother strongled for years while he’s figuring out himself and shit, he was just a burden.

While at days I’m super happy and greatful, at some others I want break everything and then hurt myself, torture myself.

[Awaken_one]

I see the problem here.

You have prioritised them over you. With time, they have made you think by telling you it’s right to prioritise them over your own self.

It’s really not the right thing. It’s like being in an environment where you are forced to make up with things that you should not believe in.
The fact that they don’t even do the bare minimum of helping you out in the needy hours, crucial points, and laugh it off on you shows how much they really care. Yes, in many instances they might show they love you, but it only is to maintain there own happiness. When they are not happy themselves, they put you through shit. Unlike them, even if you are unhappy, you make sure they don’t get hurt

This is so wrong in so many parts.

And you don’t need to leave the house. You just need to separate from the idea that prioritising them over you is alright because they are family.

What about your future family? Don’t you think you should prioritise yourself for them.

Why are you the one thinking of leaving the house
Live there in your own terms, why do you give in to their needs when they don’t.

Don’t give a shit about them mate. Don’t.
Work on any dream you have.
Write the 10 most important things that will change your life and do them. You can also share here what is your 10 most important things that you want to achieve that will drastically change your life, and work on it.

[Rab_J]

Idon’t know what to do, idk how to deal with my family without losing them

[Awaken_one]

I will be honest, if you believe, really believe you can do good without them then leave the house temporarily. Ask them properly that you are going to explore your life and work on yourself and come back when comfortable enough.

You are 25, you are grown up enough. You should not hesitate to leave your house. Not because you hate your family, but because you have reached the age of freedom and self dependence.

[robinbe_friend]

Even though I am not in a place to say this but you should not leave your own family who raised you to the person you are now. Nobody can pay the debet to family let alone showing your back to them.
If you have no place to go to, you will still have your family.