Rab's diary ,[22 M]

[Rab_J]

7/5/2022 09:00 AM

I’ve completed 9 days without pmo, my thoughts were cleaner. The secret to keep going is don’t relapse on your mind in your thoughts.

Last night was hard, I’m feeling sad for no reason and stressed, just by thinking of work for the next week.

This week was akward was silent and sad, I didn’t talk much this week, and less in rewire, didn’t feel like sharing will help me gain much.

I’m writing here to get some energy to keep going, I’m feeling weak and tempted, and urges started coming at me, I’m trying to push sexual thoughts away but it started getting harder to control.

As I said in early entry , I’m afraid of progress and relapsing is my comfort zone, suffering and being depressed is my comfort zone, I need to be brave enough to explore other things, to accept different realities in my life.

[Rab_J]

7/05/2022 9:00 PM , 21:00

I finished work an hour ago, had dinner and watched an episode of series called “Champions”.

So today I had wierd random erections, not sure what caused it but wasn’t pure, I was around people got me very bored to the point I felt like when I’m alone in my room and horniness sneak into my brain. But I focused on the person I’m working with to get out of this state, and opened the door just to feel not alone. It was weird and alot of erections which I don’t like when it happen and blame myself for and feel bad about it.

I’m not doing anything for my own progress, I have no desire, I know if I don’t do something for myself I wouldn’t feel better and won’t get better. But I have no desires if I try to push myself to do something depression gets the best of me. I don’t believe in my self, I should but idk.
Being good person hopefully will bring some good people around me hopefully will be easier to get better in life with them around.

That’s 9
Don’t relapse in your mind, thoughts and intentions ,to avoid relapsing in action.
Guard your mind basically, and choose what you let into it.

[Rab_J]

8/5/2022 23:27

Last night I slept at my grandmother’s house, in the morning I had coffee and breakfast with her then went to church, then hand lunch with heer then went home.

When I was home I wasn’t feeling well,was stressed and scared thinking about work basically, which I have tomorrow. Later at 15:30 had lunch with my family, after that we went to the beach, basically to calm down a bit , 17:00-20:00 I was walking there. Then we went to visit my sister and got back home right now.

So that’s day 10.

On the beach I was alone I didn’t talk to people, if I wasn’t with my parents I probably would, I was checking people’s expressions looking for familiar faces, I had some urges, I couldn’t focus. But I was fine. If I made connection with someone, talked to someone I wouldn’t feel wierd and wouldn’t get urges,
Human communication is the difference between the people I see in rl and people I see on the internet when I scroll through some pic or watch porn. So human connection, that’s a key.

I need to get better and stronger otherwise I’m doomed to fail and re-enter the loop of relapsing.

I have some urges right now,
I’ll try to sleep in a bit

I want to add a note for myself
The last 2 weeks wasn’t good for me physically, medically*,
.

Last 2 weeks, details

I was tired alot, got plenty of episode headache accompanied with low blood pressure with high heart beats, my body rejected food, entered the toilet many times.

Mentally I was tired as well, I didn’t talk much to anyone, not my trainer, I would work out and keep silent, not to my family or friend or cousin, not to my therapist, I didn’t talk much the last session,
I felt like crying alot, felt helpless, thinking about possiblities of losing loved ones, which will come sooner or later

Inner organs hurt, somedays not, somedays a bit, nothing much it was bear-able, medium. Feeling pain then nothing, this loop became the usual thing the last couple months.

[Rab_J]

9/5/2022 13:08

Workout, exercise students at physics and mathematics, both stuff I don’t like doing, because things are not the way I like it to be.

working out is suffering my body hate it my knee and shoulder and my stomach scream every time I work out, i shouldn’t be suffering, that’s my body and my current condition. Yet I work out cause I should strengthen my leg muscles, well if I want to always be able to walk, and I need to strengthen it before little surgery. But medically I have to bear with other shit to workout.

Teaching/exercising, is alright, but the school not providing me with materials and everyone above me not doing their part well, which make it harder for me. But I like teaching in general.

Waking up today , I could barely leave bed and I had temptations, it’s my comfort zone calling me, give up give up. Not that I have sexual thoughts much but that I’m stressed and not comfortable with what this morning gonna bring.

Anyways I had breakfast and washed my clothes, and left to the gym, got back sent some emails, had another small meal with protein shake, and watched an episode while eating.

I was feeling alright about work after the gym, then after having a break to have breakfast, I felt down just like in the morning and all I desire is my bed

I don’t know a healthy way to push my self, I’ll sleep for an hour maybe less, and think about it. Hopefully I’ll think of some wisdom to get better mindset to move myself.

[Rab_J]

Update 9/5/2022 14:15

I didn’t sleep a single sec

So I was thinking, you can’t escape pain, sadness or certain feelings, you can’t escape responsibilities and work. Some stuff need to be done, some feelings aren’t nice and sweet but you need it to grow to grasp the reality.
We can run and keep running then this snowball will get larger and faster and will reach you eventually, and you won’t be happy because you’re stressed and worrying about what’s inevitable. That’s how we give up (relate it to pmo we relapse) buts it’s more than just pmo it’s about life.

We were raised to, “never give up, keep pushing” well it’s not as easy as that, and that’s stupid and not the solution…

First you need to understand the above and be convinced. Second, you need to love your self and support yourself to go through this. It’s about loving yourself more not pushing yoursel.
It’s not easy task. Easier said than done.

But you got to be careful how you push yourself, let it brings you up, fill you with love and care not the opposite.

You can force yourself now to do something and you will do it, you can do that. But man, it’s not about the goal it’s more than that, it’s about how you do it and about the process. By forcing yourself you got the goal done, but you broke yourself in the process you hurt yourself and probably did more damage that the good you gained.

If you force yourself, eventually you will fail and hit a wall and you won’t enjoy your journey. Or you can reason with yourself, love support yourself, enjoy the journey and do the work.
Let your self love defeat stress and concerns which stops you from doing the work and moving forward.

That’s all I can explain using my limited English vocabulary.

Cheers

[Rab_J]

9/5/2022 23:55

so I layed in my bed, tried to sleep and relax a bit more, at 15:00 took a shower,15:30 started working until 20:00, was good

I had dinner, I took my very first protein shake, it’s disgusting the texture … ,
Today I didn’t get protien from food but 50 grams from manufactured stuff, which is not enough. But that’s much more than usual for me.

I played piano a bit I practiced a bit, I watched something with my parents, and here i am. I don’t know how I wasted so many hours doing nothing,. Like 4 hours since I finished work.

I’m feeling good,
Tomorrow I have time to workout, visit my grandmother, work, and go to church. And work a bit more. It would be great if I could put in 6 hours of work. I hope so.

Cause as I said I can’t run forever some tasks need to be done sooner or later. So I should start working on it and not leave it for the last second.

I’m wasting alot of time on my phone and screens in general,
That’s my phone usage for today, (which is lower that most days, but still too much)

[Rab_J]

10/5/2022 23:46

Today was a hard day, had a good amount of negativity, I had urges, I went to random chat websites, which why I got some urges, but I kept it clean, I shouldn’t go there. But I needed someone to talk to. I was feeling bad.

The morning wasn’t great, I went to the gym at 10 am, and I felt alot if pain in my shoulder, electricity starting from my should, which caused by an old injury, so I felt awful. My trainer may feel I’m spoiled , but the truth my body isn’t healthy, my shoulders and knees and my stomach and liver, not doing great, medically not great.

so instead of enjoying work out I suffer. But I need it if I want to be able to walkfor long years.

I’ll skip to the part I went home, I found out my dog killed our 5 new baby chickens,

it was bad day, I couldn’t do work, I went to work did my part, but I didn’t work from home, like I have some tasks I have to do. I have time but I shouldn’t procrastinate

This part of my day was bad

At 18:00 I went to church, then visited a relative , 20:00 was home.
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Tomorrow I’m going to gym, (no shoulders) , then going to taxes office or whatever you call it.
Then to my grandmother. Then psychotherapist.

Then rip at home for the rest of the day.

Today I felt sad and lonely af, this what causes relapses,

Anyways, good to you people.

[Rab_J]

It’s 4am, I couldn’t get into deep sleep, I fear I’m about to get wet dreams,
Yesterday at night I talked to a friend, I guess I let him in my mind, I should kick him away, I mentioned no-fap…, It happened to me before that after talking about no-fap with someone in real life I lose motivation.

For the last hour I feel I’m about to have sexual dream and wetdream. I’m having strong urges, even now after writing here

I’m tempted to relapse

I fear relapsing, because I know I’ll get caught in the loop again, I know if I relapse now I’m gonna relapse 10 times before I can get to 2-3 days again.

[Rab_J]

How I feel, when my siblings my parents and the rest of the family and friends, no one knows me. When no one gets me, and everyone tries to push me and shape me on their image, to be just like them, same thoughts، personality، interests and feelings

I don’t have time to build myself, because I’m always busy pushing what’s not mine away. Pushing opinions and believes and thoughts that I didn’t build, away. Protecting my self from contradicting personalities all trying to force themselves on me. When no one sees me, no one gets me, and everyone blame me for being, not like them.

they all hurt me, no one knows, no one sees it, and they blame me for it and for all.

When all people in my rl, all of them agree, I’m different I’m a deficit, I’m the one to blame, what ever happeneds its my fault. How I feel? I feel that I’m bad person, I need to be punished, I hate myself, and I feel like hurting and torturing myself. I feel guilty, since they all agree, then I’m guilty I’m a deficit, I really want to hurt myself. I believe I deserve it, why idk.

note: I won’t do anything stupid, I’ll not give up.

What I need from people in rl, just some of them to put effort in trying to know me, not shape me, understand me and show some understanding not blame me and push me away.

[wall-e]

You remind me this.
You understand yourself that’s more than enough. Other’s opinion doesn’t matter for a long run. You are good and you don’t have to prove it. Keep that in mind.

[Rab_J]

Thanks alot bro

20 characters

[Rab_J]

13/05/2022 Friday 23:43

Last night I slept at my grandmother’s house. She lives nex to the church, at 7am I went to the church for small visit and prayer, then had breakfast with my grandmother then coffee.

Then went back home, took a shower, and left
At 10-11:30 i was with a nun to discuss something.

Then went to my other grandmother, I had a little something to eat, stayed an hour.

At 13:30-14:30 I had a gym.

I grabbed something to eat from bakery and went to my school, Don Bosco School

16:00-19:30 we played soccer, and prayed a bit. I suck at soccer, but I like running, most guys are younger than me, so was my Job to make sure they curse less and be friends not fight every 5 minutes

20:00 got home, had dinner
21:30 My cousin and my sister came over, we just played some music, and sang, we had fun.

Was pretty good and busy day, tiring but it felt great.

I’m on day ( )

[Rab_J]

Humiliation

Feeling so weak, that you accept someone doing bad by you, and yet you must forgive them, never mention it, and act like nothing happened in the first place, because you’re afraid of losing them, because you don’t think you have someone else you can open up to.
Humiliation is a story that repeats itself for me, every one with different person, accept being humiliated, like in it.

Basically people using your weakness, as permission for them to treat you injustly, be biased.

It feels like I’m a burden, if Jesus was inside these people, he will lift of the burden of me.

Such people, are not a true friend, you can forgive them, but not be friends with them. Cause a true friend would have cared and felt for you.

[wall-e]

Forget the rst of the world brother. Be true to yourself. You are not weak. Remove those kind of thoughts popping. You are already strong.be Proud of yourself. Look around you how beautiful things present

[Rab_J]

What’s happening in Palestine -Israel, is devastating

Well knows Palestinian journalist Shereen Abu Aklee was murdered by the Israeli army while doing her job.

Later on Israeli army attacked people in Shereen’s funeral, and attacked Shereen’s coffin.

Another crime by the terrorist army of Israel. Another crime against humanity.

Every week we hear about another crime committed by this army of cowards. Every day, another murder, hatred. what world are they building for generations yet to come.

[anon87955785]

Seems you are living in a dangerous environment my friend, hope you and your families are safe

[Rab_J]

I’m not
depends where you live.
Nazareth is safe-ish
Jerusalem and West Bank, Genin, Gaza, they take the heavy hits.

Nazareth and surrounding (accupied lands) we take animal visits and hits from army of cowards, but it’s nothing to mention compared to what others go through.

I stay neutral, on the sides, in my house most of the time.

[Rab_J]

15/5/2022 15:51

Every week I meet once with a friend, and we talk about many stuff, big part of it is sex related, sexuality,no pmo, urges, anything sexual.

I’m gonna have a phone call with companion in here, which means more sexual discussion.

Every sexual discussion, bring up urges, strong ones, and curiosity. I’m afraid of relapsing. I’m tempted but I’m trying not to think about it much, less sexual thoughts, trying not to imagine anything sexual.

Idk if I have something else that units me with these guys, if I didn’t open sexual topic. That’s really bad, I don’t want to lose people, (they would say, no you won’t lose us if we don’t talk about sexual stuff,) but thats a fact. Anyways I need something to bring us together, something not sexual.

[Rab_J]

15/5/2022 19:10

I’m writing because I’m not feeling good. I feel empty, don’t have a desire to do anything, like my soul left my body. So it was hard moving myself, getting out of this mindset.
I’m not thinking about work, not at all, and not worried about it, I’m just feeling bad. At least that’s what head tell me. There is a trick I like to do, which is imagine if you have no work to do, no task you need to finish how would you feel, and I suddenly felt good. So as much as my mind is hiding, the tasks I need to do is the burden I’m carrying.

I’m writing here, cause I’m tempted to watch something, gay & sexual, I’m being honest with myself, I do face myself when I’m about to go to bad track. What ever I’m going do, or think deeply about, I take a step back and try to have sight what will this lead to, where will I get it, likes what’s gonna follow that.

[Rab_J]

17/5/2022 21:37

I relapsed yesterday,

That’s day One again