Rab's diary ,[22 M]

[Rab_J]

16/4/2022 20:05

Got out of bed at 9:50 , had breakfast, then had work until 17:00 , had lunch, sat with the family and some family friends that came over.

I was setting with them for some time , like a ghost then waiting, just got bored. Now in bed but alot of noise. They turn the evening for work stuff, been talking for an hour about work, not really concerns me, but they would drop ton of responsibility on me.

I relapsed in the morning. I had sexual thoughts.
Honestly, I’ve been meeting on occasion with a friend, I don’t get enough of this person,even if we spend 5 hours. something was awkward, last time we met. And I was concerned we may have developed sexual attraction. I was nervous. I thought alot about it.

[Rab_J]

17/4/2022

Not feeling good

I took a nap at 15:00 after like 30 minutes I was awake, I just kept trying to force myself to sleep. I don’t want to wake up. I’m sad and angry. I had an urge, I told myself I’ll get up do something about it, wash my clothes, take a shower, and go maybe to some church. I took a shower, then my mom told me Do this do that … so I said I don’t want to, so she asked why what are you doing, so question after another…
Leave me the hell alone, I don’t like being questioned, I feel like she needs to know every move I do, every thought I think, every breath I take. It will be rude to not answer, or ignore her. I don’t want to do anything bad from my side. I couldn’t hide my anger while speaking to my mom. Now I don’t want to do anything in my life. Because she have to kill me with her kindness, just like the song

That’s how living with your parents is like. You live in their house, and they live in your mind, and try to affect everything.

I can barely pick myself up, I don’t need anyone to fck the balance I’m trying to make. Yet whenever I try to do something, I find my family shaking me.

I’m pretty sad and angry because I know how weak I am of a person. I’m angry because I’m like this.

I can’t hide my anger, I can’t be polite, smile in their face, when I’m disappointed, and angry, and feel helpless. I’m weak.

[Rab_J]

@Hubinho
Hey bro, I’m reading the book mr.nice guy no more which you recommend.

I’m reading it slowly,but I’m really enjoying it, it’s pretty good book

Thanks alot man

[Rab_J]

19/4/2022 19:15

I’m good. life is the same as always, but I’m feeling ok.

Yesterday I did some work I procrastinating for a while, cleaned my room a bit which I was also avoiding. so a bit of pressure was removed of my shoulders.

Today

Woke up tired, still woke up after scrolling through my phone a bit. At 7:30 woke up, at 8:09 had breakfast, 8:30 left, 9-10:10 gym, visited my grandmother, at 12:30 was home. Had lunch, 13:00- 18:00 had work,
18:30 was home,had dinner, (first dinner). Now im in a bed I need to rest.

I have until 10:20 pm to do something useful after that I’m going to my other grandmother. I’m staying with her.

If I get some thing done I’ll be good. If I don’t I won’t be satisfied. I need to think about it and will see how I’ll spend the time I have.

[Rab_J]

I have a choice
Stay in bed , then urges will build up , sexual thoughts will get stronger, thoughts will twist my mind.

Or get the hell up

I don’t have the desire to do anything, feeling depleted

I could clean my room,work, read, practice, walk

Im not feeling good, but no one can make me feel good, just doing something despite the fact that I Don’t feel like doing anything. Just doing something will give me good energy.

After the last entery I played a game on my phone, then urges started rising and thoughts, found my self takingy clothes off,
Boxers on pants on, and get the hell up

[Rab_J]

I’m writing here because I’m not feeling great

I was with a friend, and there is mutual attraction between us apparently. I got back home, cause I freaked out, I tempted to have sex with him.
We are really close if I’m gonna try it with one it would be him.

I’m afraid of the whole idea of sex. I’m also afraid we lose the mutual respect we have. I’m afraid this will change the relationship between us.

Thoughts are rushing in, there is so many things we could have done and tried. It would’ve been great idea.
But I’m freaking out. I like this guy,

I can’t think straight ATM, my mind is all over the place. very distracted and tired and mad. Idk

Short circuits

[Rab_J]

Last night I fought my best not to relapse and to clear my head.

Today I woke up pretty early, I gave up to the urges. I don’t want to lose a friend. When I meet him again I’ll talk with him about it. I don’t want to lose him nor have sex (my decisions wouldn’t change if it was a girl, it got nothing to do with sexuality). He didn’t ask or say anything straight forward to express that. But it was wierd feeling.

I’m afraid without talking about sexual stuff, I won’t be close to a friend. And if I open up I get too close.

I did something awful in the morning and 4 days ago. I won’t go into details. Just saying I’m not glad nor satisfied I did it.

[anon87955785]

Bro is your profile pic your face reveal ?

[Rab_J]

Yea, that’s me

20 characters

[Rab_J]

Last night was hard. U can see how I wrote, I couldn’t focus at all, or think clearly or take an action.

Today wasn’t happy day, as well.

Like couple hours ago I put a pic on Facebook, symbolic one,
I thought I lost many good friends on the way, distance separated us, then work and study, and like.
I miss and love every one of them. I met them through different stages of my life. These people, doesn’t know about my sexuality. But they know everything else.

So I was surprised and pretty happy to get replies from them on Facebook, it just reminds me what they like in me and how much they believe in me and respect me, and how strong some friendships were, it just warms my heart.

[Rab_J]

24/4/2022. 17:52

I relapsed alot recently, journey going bad.
I’m angry about something, prevented me from asking for help here and in real life.
I want to clear something, on no fap we are fighting lust. We are not fighting sexuality. For God’s sake accept and respect the different.

Last year I came out to my father. He was angry and sad, his reaction wasn’t great. Yet I faced it with fcking logic. You can take me in, or you can push me away, and lose me for good. If you don’t like something in someone don’t fight the person, that’s stupid.

Being honest and brave, it’s not an easy task. You hate homosexuality, still you can’t disrespect this man and push him away. As far as I know being honest, kind, brave, not fearing to look vulnerable, these are treats of a great person.
Push people away as much as you like. But know this, you’re fighting and hating yourself and your God and your faith. You are being awful person. Show love and acceptance. I’m different in many ways. See it all. Agree on parts and disagree on another, but don’t throw your brother for being different.

On the internet and on real life it’s all going the same.

If my family each of us fight his battles alone. My father God knows what he’s dealing with, he’s not brave enough, he doesn’t trust us and believe in us enough to share with us. My sister God knows what she’s dealing with, turned out it’s cancer. I was supposed to have little surgery, I didn’t want to tell anyone, because they pushed me away. My brother dealing with hell alone.

What cause this people ? Your hatred, pushing people away. It’s hard enough being honest and brave and being vulnerable and asking for help. And what I get? People pushing each other away, pushing me away. Be this person, kill your brother and father and sister. Be this person, just know what you’re doing.

[anon87955785]

I don’t know whether I am in a position to advise you but I am telling this because I can relate you to some extent.

The thoughts of homosexuality is also common for me. Its really hard to resist. In these cases , I believe it is important to take some actions to contradict your thoughts with action.

For eg , an athlete or a professional sportsperson will not think he is always leading an unhealthy lifestyle because his actions prove himself that he is leading a healthy lifestyle

So initially I got some thoughts of me being a female instead of being a male. So I decided I will be shirtless inside my house. It was an awkward decision but it removed homosexual thoughts by 90 percent. Why ?

By remaining shirtless, I am always being reminded that I am a guy instead of a girl. Because girls can’t do that inside the house.

So my actions contradicts my thoughts and hence thoughts change.

Hope it helps

[Rab_J]

Thanks for sharing that, I respect you and your story.

I appreciate the advice.

I don’t believe orientations can change, like from age 11 until age 20 I tried changing. I tried everything.

My point in previous reply, being homosexual, I’m not an alien, an I’m not a bad person. I’m not evil. so I said, all the attacks against someone directly on in indirect way, are wrong. And things shouldn’t be like this.

I may turn out Bi sexual, at some point, I don’t get attracted to girls at all, my heart doesn’t beat there. No matter what I try. I liked 2-3 girls maybe at age 13-14, O don’t know what I liked about them. And I liked 363849494 boys, only later when life lost every meaning, I told myself I’m gonna love myself, I’m gonna stand for myself.

Thanks alot for the reply, most people on the forum ran away from this gay (devil) guy

My sexuality and how I should deal with it, what should I do with it , act on it or not, is one subject…

And being bad to someone, bullying, hating discriminating, threatening person, is a whole different topic.

All straight men, are men enough to tell me I’m wrong I’m sinner, I’m bad, and men enough to hate me and make me feel miserable. To push me away

Not men enough to be kind and understanding, loving.

I’m not attracted to this type of straight men, their strategy is working, but also girls are not attracted this shit.

So being terrible person to deliver a message, prove a point, despite if it’s right it wrong idea, Is always wrong.

[Rab_J]

Something like that

(Pitch of anger and blaming)

“You want to get fucked, should I bring you boys to fuck you and rape you !!, you pedofile !!, no one will hire you, all people will be scared to let their children near you”

• last April: I gave all I can to all who I love family and friends I helped and supported with all my power, and I decided to give up my life. that was because I didn’t find answers, I hated myself, I isolated myself, I had no one, and no reason to live.

I said to myself, I have nothing left to lose , I’m gonna give up my life, before that I want to do one last thing. reach out, tell one person before I go. I choose carefully, The best person to tell, my father.

We went for a drive, after an hour, I had the gut to spell it, dad I’m homosexual.

And the above was the what I got.
Someone blaming me, hating me, choosing the cruelest words in my language to attack me, to humiliat me.

I’m doing bad , but I’m hanging on, patients all I have, I got nothing else to hang on to. But I’m still here.

[anon87955785]

In my opinion, deciding to become a bi is just a decision just like whether a person has decided to lead a vegetarian or non vegetarian lifestyle. Both has its advantages and disadvantages.

Why , I decided to take decision against my thoughts is not because of the fear how society thinks about me , but because I like to be perceived as a man than a woman. I am male chauvinistic guy , I respect women but I am really proud to be born as a male.

I always believe that one should take pride in the things that belongs to you. I was a proud guy. It porn that gave me those bi thoughts. Its the thought that was produced by an artificial stimulation. Its not the thought that was produced intrinsically. That’s why I hate it.

Its your choice whether you want to lead your life as a bi. But from you diary , I think you also hate to become a bi. Dont be afraid to take actions because of fear of failure . Btw you got nice abs dude. Work on it

[Rab_J]

Brother

Orientations are not a decision

Some like girls, and what ever you do you can make them like guys
Some like both, you can choose to be with, (you don’t have to choose though)
Some attracted to boys whatever you do you can’t make them get attracted to girls.

I’m being honest and brave, I might be afraid. I tried alot, and thought about it alot, hating myself is wrong either way, if like being gay or like being bi.

I don’t think I can change, I tried everything, and honestly now I don’t want to try and change. Because nothing wrong with me, what’s wrong are people who sees me as devil.

For now I don’t want to try and be bi, as long as people including my family, trying to push me I won’t move. If I do something I do it for myself, not for people, and not to satisfy anyone,

As for you, you told yourself being a man on such fucked up community, is better than being a woman. (I’m not saying a man better than a woman) but this is the fucked up community.

I want to feel free, like it’s alright to be this or that, i can’t figure out myself, my true self, because people are not letting me, always trying to push me and manipulate me.

Why sexuality is so important to you?

By the way bro, your story is about gender, not sexuality. You accepted your gender. Congrats on every decision you made for yourself.

Back to the question, why sexuality matters?

Why hate me and push me away if I’m gay?

If one of the answers was religion/God/Sin, Check your self, because nothing justify being bad person to another human. Pushing them, hating them, treat them as freaks. So for those people, don’t do shit, and then come saying I do it for God. What ever your intentions even if it’s good intentions, nothing justify doing something bad to another person to get to your nobil goal.

Good intentions, doesn’t justify bad actions.

[Rab_J]

Negative negative negative reply/diary

Fuck my life, I have no order, no agenda, no plans and shit, no desires, no purpose, I’m gay, I’m traumatized of the shit people talk about gays, all the stupid humiliating jokes, all the Believers in God, come over to condemn me as bad person, as shit, doesn’t worth to live,
Parents don’t get me, and refuse me being me in any aspect of my life. People come to me when they desperate for fucking miracles and I have to make shit for them somehow and I do find solutions. Then I’m gay, worthless, they don’t need me anymore,
I come here people don’t like me, I go in real life people despise gays, I go to random chat people attack me and condemn me guilty for being gay.

I’m a sinner, being gay isn’t one of them,
Fuck my empty life

[Rab_J]

01/05/2022 Sunday 7:41 am

Yesterday was good, 2 people checked on me, that’s was great. I had work pretty much all day, at night I went to my cousin’s house, played some games, and the day was over.

Today I’m playing at the church, I hope it goes well,
At night I couldn’t sleep well, woke up few time was tired, had thought about some stuff, then tried to talk to someone on random chat website, was disappointed so just left, I should stop going there, it’s always disappointing…

Today I’ll have a long day, Church visit my grandmother, visit relatives and eat their food.

Some times I’m desperate for some attention/communication/care/love, that I turn to people where I should get it from them, but they are not the right address since I couldn’t get much of that of these people. So somethings are disappointing other things are not, books and God are not disappointing. Sometimes I need people around, but people need someone to lift them they can barely stand on this life, part to blame on me, they just can’t lift me up.

Good habits and patience is the answer.

[Rab_J]

I’m feeling better

I’m not satisfied of my productivit, angry at my self. But taking it easy. It’s day 5 I hope I keep going.

I’m feeling tired physically, my body is tired, I’m keeping track of my blood pressure and heart rate, usually my heart beats around 60 bps, at times I feel extra tired even though that I’m not doing any effort, and my heart beats are elevated and my low blood pressure is low. I don’t understand anything of this, don’t really get why this happens. Like in the past if I was tired I would blame fapping the day before or 2 days before, and that when I used to fap few times per day not once every few days…

I should check on my sister, I’ve been checking on my grandmothers alot lately, one of them is 92 yo, she’s getting weaker by the day, I want her to be strong, I don’t want her to suffer, I fear death of close people. I fear losing them for good, were I can’t hear them or touch them anymore. At the same time I don’t want any of them to live long long and suffer and struggle the last 10 years of their life.

This is very personal maybe I shouldn’t be talking about it here. But I fear losing them and I know the time will come sooner or later, I’m spending time with them, trying to comfort them, love them and feel their love. I don’t want to lose them, they are very precious. Thinking about that thiere time is almost over makes me cry.

[Rab_J]

5/5/2022 14:00

I’m at day 7
Almost no urges, I don’t think many sexual thoughts, they pop up but I they don’t last , barely few sec and I push it away. It’s not a decision I made, it’s just happening, like not fighting hard. Not struggling, not fighting myself.
Today I’m not having urges. I didn’t talk about sexual topics for a week now. While talking about it can’t prevent myself from imagining stuff and that’s where I feel weak.

Today I fear relapsing and I fear going further, being at day 7 is not my comfortable zone being at day 1 is. Don’t mistaken suffering and struggling and being depressed for not being your comfortable zone. As bad as it seems, it is our comfortable zone.
progress, however, means new stuff ,new stage, means (maybe) if you fall it will hurt even more, progress means taking more responsibility, being different, realities changes about you, reality you’re not familiar with.

So today, I’m having no urges, but idk what do to, I’m blank, I’m tempted to jerk not out of urges , I’m not having sexual thoughts yet not horny not hard, but feeling empty.

I’m writing here I have work in a bit, I won’t relapse today, fingers crossed I hope nothing happen at night, but today tomorrow and the day after I have full day schedules.

Update 20:01
I went to the church, prayed idk how honest or pure was that. We stayed with the priest even after the prayers. I thought about many stuff, I had many questions, and I feel weak , helpless , tired, I need to understand why things happen, get God’s plan.