Rab's diary ,[22 M]

[Rab_J]

30/3/22 17:36

I’m a bit tired will take short nap in a bit, got long night ahead.

I have problem with fantasies. For the last week I didn’t watch porn or sext …, But I keep thinking and fantasising, I imagine sexual situations and experiences, and desires. I’m not horny, but I have desires, and stuff I want to experience, I would even call it wishes, but it’s dirty as hell. It’s not healthy I understand that, I’m righting here to clear my mind and purify it. These desire are in me, I can’t deny it, I won’t give up to it, I’ll try not to think about it.
I’m confused not sure how to deal with these fantasies, if I keep thinking about it it will get stronger, eventually I’ll fall and kneel down to it.

Peace

[Rab_J]

2/4/22 8:33 am

I’m holding up, urges: nothing special, temptation: there is alot, depends on my mood.

I consider myself homosexual, ‘gay’. I don’t use gay term alot cause the community define it in a wrong way, and they put many assumption/expectations under this label. Saying I’m gay, what I feel is humiliation. Because for the second time it’s attached to many humiliating treats, the community put it/choose it/ assumed.

I don’t hate myself, it doesn’t matter what I am.
I believe sexuality affect personality alot, but it still doesn’t matter. With all that, I still feel bad and sad if someone get to the realisation by themselves that I’m gay. Because I see myself living just like everybody else, I’m different because my whole family is, I’m kind and understanding but this is no reason to assume anything. Anyway, if you wanna tell me you know I’m gay, make sure to with some introduction.
It’s important for me to say I don’t hate myself for it, I wish I felt better about myself about my sexuality, I’m thankful for being different.

When I fine myself setting with people who might suspect my sexuality, I find myself talking dirty with them, cursing alot, trying to hide myself under these harsh words. I do that because my people aren’t ready yet, and I’m not ready face anyone. For this community and others, If you consider being gay is wrong or an illness, consider me sick, broken, why should someone be ashamed for being ‘sick’. It’s not sickness but even if I go your way of thinking, do you shame some one for being sick !?

But again I’m living in the great community, where they hide their autistic son, that no one knows they have a son, or that he’s autistic. They hide their disabled son from the community. A community hide imperfections to look good, they care just about looks. A community, a country, that doesn’t treat illness but give medicine that hides the symptoms, that’s it. so even if homosexuality is a sickness, they will still shame you for it. "The perfect world "

[Rab_J]

4/4/2022 7:41

I relapsed yesterday, I couldn’t resist the temptations. The problem is that I don’t have a plan and don’t have a goal.
My goal changes as my needs change. I know the goal I set to myself half year ago, is to be better at piano, become independent, and read some books. What happeneds is every small wind can distract me from my goals, then comes my needs also distract me from my goals, and out other periorities.
I need consistent and stability. I also need to stop looking at the past. If I keep moving forward I remember good things from the past, but if I stand still and look back there is pain, cause I kinda failed in the past and lost alot.

[Rab_J]

4/4/22 15:00

So far the day is good, I’m running out of energy
I’m gonna take a nap but I’ll probably regret, as I will lose an hour of my day.

I got out of bed at 8:30 had coffee with my mom, at 9:30 I went to the gym got back home at 12:00, had good breakfast then helped in the kitchen, then had coffee with my parents and my sister.
At 14:00 took a shower , was planning to clean my room and work a bit, now I think I’ll sleep for an hour then work a bit. Although I don’t believe I can set and do my job at home, I’m not motivated. I just realized that while planning my days I don’t plan to have meals, I forget, it’s part of why I’m down alot of time. I got a feeling I’m scared, terrified of something, I’m not thinking clearly or logically. Just terrified feeling stoping me from going on with my day.

I’m terrified, what if I lose/fail, what if I’m not good enough, what of I’m not convinient for my job and responsibilities, what if it takes alot more time than what I have … This is blinding me.

15:40 I trying to sleep I can’t,I guess I’m just avoiding work, my mind could be tricking me , not really tired idk, I’m terrified still.

I’ve been feeling a bit of pain in my inner parts, where it’s my kidney, probably nothing, just very little pain.

Update- 16:30
I need therapy I need therapy I think I know why I’m terrified I’m traumatized I’m traumatized They kicked my ass they kicked my ass Broke me down , me a pathetic child Same feeling, reliving a memory I need my therapy

[Rab_J]

05/04/2022 22:43

The last hour I relapsed twice. I’m now a bad person, I’m weak, and isolated and alone.

It takes alot of effort alot of energy to come up with a plan, with a way of life, it’s hard to stand. And when I finally make a move, make a decision, someone ruins everything for me, I’m not blaming anyone, I’m saying I’m weak, pathetic.

I’m alone as it is, but I want to isolate myself completely. I’m affectsd by anything and everything, I can’t find myself with people that know me, cause they will delete entity.

[Rab_J]

7/4/2022

I joined this app last year 2/4/2021, so, a year has passed. I grew a bit, understood things, my life turned around, everything changed. I can’t say I’m doing better on pmo journey, but definitely learned stuff.

The thing is, it’s hard to be independent person, as in personality, decisions, feelings, … Someone independent, can take decisions and go with them. I’m trying to build myself, to know and figure out myself. I’m 22 yo, I’m late, but I’m at this stage. I’m not independent of my parents. They still affect me in every way possible, they’re hurting me more than they know, cause it’s a phase I must go throw but it’s being hard.

I learned and understood alot of things since last year. One thing changed though, I was far away last year, now I’m living with them, so image how much they can affect my decisions, my everything.

It’s been 24 hours since I last relapsed, it was tuff 24 hours, my day wasn’t productive, I’m gonna fail some people tomorrow, cause I couldn’t do my part for the last week.

I’m not a bad person, I know if we don’t set limits to our sexual desires/drive/actions, we will end up in pretty bad place, it will consume us and control us. I want to feel better about myself, I want to be better for the people I love.

[Rab_J]

7/4/2022

It’s almost 2pm, (14:00), what I’m doing? Still in bed
I don’t want to do anything

.

ton of negativity

I’m lonely, I know no one have my back, what ever I do even if I’m with people, I’m alone. Many stuff bothering me, and I tried to do something about it, I tried talking to family and friends. like since I’l was really young I’m the one in the family to day if something is wrong or if something they did hurt me or annoyed me in a way. The results wasn’t great, because they don’t want to get it, it’s not their periority to try and understand me.

They always go from extrem to the exact opposite extreme, never stop in the middle, never try to fully hear me and understand me, they are quick to respond, “they know all” , shallow relationships, shallow understand,

Stupid examples
“The way you talked to me wasn’t appropriate and i felt humiliated” the response would be “ok I’ll never talk to you again” and they will spend couple weeks treating me like a ghost.

What ever it is, I am the one should take the damage
How that feel? Feels like sucking (not literally)to everyone in my life constantly, because it’s either I do that, or I’m no one and nobody, a ghost, bad awful person.

So my relationships feels like, kneel down for me or you’re all alone.

So what I did was, I filtered my friends, I keep on resisting and talking about it if it happens with family, that what they’re doing isn’t right and unacceptable, and I’m alright with being no one and alone.

If I feel awful, it’s always on me, my fault, I’m controling my life. Well I’m the one responsible for my life, but they can either try and help or make it worst and harder for me.

If I’m in trouble, real one, I know no one would help, easiest way out, it’s your responsibility,

If I get attacked, if someone robs me, humiliat me, treat me like shit, it’s because I deserve it.
If I defend myself it becomes all my fault even my family and friends come against me. So I live my life, take in what ever shit everyone throw at me, cause nothing can be done about it.

I’m not fan of extreme reactions, I won’t take an extreme action that will affect their work and my work, cause in this great world can’t live without finance

[Rab_J]

Another day in my depressed life

I relapsed twice
The only thing I enjoy in my life

I want my life to be over, I’m not gonna do anything about it. I won’t finish it. I’ll be waiting for it to happen.

It’s not worth living, I can work, I can get money, I can get degrees, grades, all fucking worthless stuff.

If you can get it all and u have no one, it worth less. When I went to university, no one of the family or friends checked on me, where was my brother and father, they were “giving me freedom” so it’s either we control everything in your life or we give you freedom, "we leave you all alone for life.

My friends my cousins, they all disappoint one time after another.

I’m not a bad person. I’m not terrible person.

What ever I do I won’t have anyone,
If I die I will miss all my family and friends, not the other way around.

My parents raised 4 fucking robots
Great in everything
Yet wish to die every single day.

My father is great at yelling and blaming,
You fucking as hole check on your fucking children.

I can say my 22 years we as a family didn’t do a single thing because I like it. We do what they like. Never what I like. I’m erased.
Just a robot, product, supposed to work, give them shit.

If I die , I hope they live 100+ years after me to grasp how stupid their actions.

It’s not about what you do you maniacs, it’s about how you do it as well.

They destroy more than they build. Hurt more that they heal.

I got nothing to lose in this life. I have no one as it is. But they have some one to lose.

[Rab_J]

About 9/4/22

I’ll start by saying I’m calm now.
I woke up 8:30
Made breakfast, improvised
Took a shower
At 10:00 practice piano until 11:30
11:30- 19:00 I was working
Then I had dinner
Then left to walk with a friend
19:45-23:45 walking + coffee (we are crazy, and had stuff to discuss)

Since I got home (midnight-2am, I was thinking and planning, and reviewing some stuff, and cleaning my room)
(Down there, screen shot of my digital wellbeing, and what apps I used alot)

I want to share some stuff, I really lost control of my life, I’m trying but fell pretty bad , here is honest scope to my situation

[Rab_J]

Continue to the last update on the diary

• Practice advance in piano
• Study courses which I’m really interested in and spent money on it
• work more (I got specific tasks) which will develop the family business, and bring me a good profit.
• read books I really like
• I’ll start university next October, I can start studying first year materials to get scholarship or just pretty high grades.

I like as well having people around in real life, to communicate with. People to check on me once in a while. Actually having people, is essential if I want to keep going in any path.

[Rab_J]

10/4/2022

Yesterday slept at at 4 am, woke up at 8 am,
I watched some Netflix while having breakfast,
I tried cleaning up my room a bit, listened to the radio for a little, at 12;00-15:00 I slept. Then had lunch ,
Spend some time on my phone, practiced piano and that’s it for the day.

I did communicate with anyone today, I had lunch with my father, but like the longest conversation was, pass me the salt,

I relapsed on porn. I’m not proud of it.
my stomach was hurting me a bit, while and a bit after relapsing I felt better, it didn’t last long though.

Tomorrow I have a gym session in the morning, just one on one sessions.

Other than that I doubt I’ll talk to any human, maybe my parents but not that of a conversations.

In some countries the biggest sentence is death sentence. In my country it’s to be locked in isolated cell. I don’t know how I got here, but I am not talking with people much, I call some, I try to go out, but nothing working. Thank God my grandmother love me or I will have no one to visit and talk to.

if someone read parts of my diary or other posts,
I’m sorry for the negativity, it won’t solve any problems. And crying and being depressed, won’t do any good. It’s like giving up. I don’t know how to make my life better, but we shall not give up anyway.

a little update, pmo journey related. I need to do things for the right reasons.
If I quit pmo, I want to do it for myself, part of me starting feeling like I’m doing it because I’m homosexual. But in fact this shouldn’t matter.

I saw my sexuality may cause me problems with my family and friends, basically the community, and where ever I go this will be the case.
So back then, 12 months ago, I felt like I have to either give up my people or give up sexuality. And I thought nothing worth fighting for, so I gave up pmo, because I thought if I quit porn masturbation sex, my sexuality will have no impact on my life, and then I can still be part of my community.

It turns out I was wrong. I’l never be close of I hide part of me. I should quit pmo , but I should do it for myself, despite the community, they don’t have a say in this. I want to quit pmo, but I have another goal, which is to be able to talk about my sexuality in front of people if the topic brought up, I don’t want to act strange I don’t want to hide things from them.

One guy asked me how do you know you’re gay, I said we men have a compass between our legs that works and aims only to our North. Lol
So these are my orientations, wether I act on it or do whatever or quite forever pmo, these are still my orientations, and will affect every part of my life and personality.

I want to do things for the right reasons, only then we will have the power to fight for it and last. Have a genuine reason.

[Rab_J]

11/4/2022 21:00

I woke up at 8:30, had breakfast, took a shower and went to the gym. I had prepared my stuff for the gym earlier, after the shower I just put a jacket on and drove to the gym. When u got there i realized I forgot my T-shirt , I was wearing only a jacked forgot to bring my t-shirt, it happens lol

I visited my grandmother, went to the grocery store, and then back home. I took a nap, had lunch, then went back to my room.

I see that when I get in my room, my comfort zone, I can’t get myself out of there, and my mood just get worst. I relapsed a bit ago, now I’m out.

I put my phone to turn off at 23:30 and back on at 7:00.
I want to drink some water when I wake up, I forger to do so.
I believe the food we eat and water affect out mood alot, so I should work on that.I should put dead lines, and schedule. If I fail to do so my mental health will keep going down down the hill.

[Rab_J]

Last night I put my phone to turn off between 23:33 -7:00

I slept at 23:30 woke up pretty early, didn’t want to open my eyes ,kept pushing, when I opened my eyes eventually it was 7:10.

I’m still in bed, I don’t feel like getting up.
I know waking up, standing, going out of my room will make me feel better, but I don’t want that, idk why, it like I hate myself, I have up, and now all I want is to suffer.

When I got a commitment to someone,like work, I get up and do my part , and that’s out of fear of disappointing them.

[Rab_J]

13/4/2022 4:15am

God help me. I’m not doing my part, I’m not putting the energy needed to get better, to move out of this mood, mentality. I’m not being pure, I’m doing sins more than even. I’ve quit loving, quit giving chances, even for people I love, because I couldn’t get more disappointed with them. Having no hope, talking no chances to be vulnerable in front of them, scared they will use me, they will missunderstand me, shame me for my vulnerability and helplessness. I’m holding myself from looking weak, holding myself from begging for for help in real life. I have tried a milion time. I’m acting like a child here, sorry for that. God help me, I’m sorry for disappointing, for quiting, for challenging, and for my sins.

[Rab_J]

I went back to sleep woke up 5:50

I had sexual dream, it didn’t have sex just ton of sexual desires, I woke up I thought it’s just a dream. It’s a nightfall.

Why it’s happening pretty early, like after 1 day, because of my dirty mind.

[Quite]

Don’t worry!
Stay focused and go on.
Nightfall isn’t your fault! You cannot control your body while sleeping.

[Rab_J]

14/4/2022 08:00 AM

I’m feeling good.

sadness, stress, overwhelmed, depression, disappointment… All negative feelings, feel it take it in , you can’t run from it, u can run for now but it will hunt you, if you should feel it now and you try to elude, you will be just pushing it down, covering it up,but it’s still there, and you will be caring it with you.

A wound left untreated will get infected, and at that point it will hurt alot it treat it. If you treat it now, it will hurt alot, but it’s just temporary, because it will heal.
Similar to this, our inner wounds, feel the pain the sadness, that’s alright, it’s part of healing, and know it will go eventually, it’s just temporary.

Feelings change constantly, good ,bad, negative, positive, … It will keep changing, so the bad feelings will go away, and good one will come, but then it will come back then go away then come back … it part of our life. We get hurt, we get disappointed, don’t hide it, don’t deny it, live it, and know it’s temporary then another feeling will come, which is also temporary, and the loop goes on.

U can’t elude the pain, you can’t deny it, or hide it, it’s either you feel it and treated now, or you feel it later with bunch of accumulated feelings.

You can’t just feel better, feel good. Feeling sad is part of life.

[Rab_J]

14/4/2022 21:54

Woke up at 9am, had breakfast, went to the gym 10:00-11:30, then visited my grandmother, at 13:10 got home had lunch, 13:30-15:00 practiced piano, 15:15- 17:45 had work, 17:45-18-45 had piano lesson,
Then went up home, had dinner, small dinner, watch an episode of Riverdale, called my cousin. For about 20 minutes, I was on my phone some time. It’s almost 10pm I was about to have another meal, or eat anything, but got strong headache and feelings dizzy, I’ll just go sleep.

At the start of the day I imagined to do some work today, check some homeworks, but I didn’t, I’m kinda disappointed of myself for this.

I’m feeling lonely, that’s not great, but alright.

The last few days slept at 11pm something, and woke up around 8:30-9:00.
I’m not really motivated to open my eyes, wake up, sleeping too much, it’s just a period and will pass hopefully.

Good night all

[Rab_J]

15/4/2022 4:21 AM

(If someone reading, I’m Not depressed, and not being negative , don’t be scared)

I was hurt and disappointed by many people, friends and family, I even corssed some of them out of my life. I couldn’t handle this disappointment. I need friends that accept me, value me, get me, and support me when I need, if one is short he can’t be my friend. About family, it’s even a harder mission. they are the ones I expect to check on me ,constantly. Energize me, love me, accept me, even when no one in the world does. Basically have my back…

Sometimes my parents tell me how hard things are, you want to get certain job, it’s hard because… You want to do community project, it’s hard because… Buy a house, a car, … Get a degree , start a project, … It’s all hard…
And they forget to tell me, (Go for it, we will be there if you need us, it’s hard but we believe in you and we have your back)
no matter how crazy my plans/projects were, I wish I heard this.

I felt like they are pulling me back constantly although they are the one should be pushing me forward. I couldn’t go on with anything, I didn’t want to be alone, and I’m scared in a world where no one have my back, but will disappoint me when they have a chance.

I was mad , depressed because of this reality. Things aren’t as I wish they were. I can’t do anything about it, and honestly idk how to go forward from here.

I know as well, I can’t be mad on everyone forever. they won’t change, I can’t change anyone. I want to see more inclusive picture, I want to hug my parents and thank them for all the efforts they put for me, for everything they gave me. I’ll still be mad and disappointed and hurt sometimes, and I still don’t know how to walk forward. But I can’t not honer them for everything else, where they didn’t disappoint.

Thank God for my parents. Protect them and bless them.

[Rab_J]

15/4/22 midnight

I’m sad, I feel I disrespected myself for meeting with 2 neighbors.

Being lonely, sometimes I let humiliating things slide, be humiliated by someone and still be near them. I don’t want to make troubles or fight, my problems doesn’t get solve but with war, and that’s not a good solution things with escalate. One neighbor I used to call my friend, now he deserves shoving my leg in his ass then is his mouth, breaking few bones. I invested in this guy but his family is terrible and he turn pretty bad stupid man.

I’m sad tonight no need further explanation or details.

I didn’t have urges today, all the day out of my room.