Rab's diary ,[22 M]

29/12/21 almost midnight

Wore up at 8 am, had a long walk at 10am got back , had breakfast
At 10:30 had practice
At 15:30 went to the psycholog, he’s so good, always leave me with good questions to think about.
At 17:00 finally got home
I had to clean up, I was home alone for a week now my parents coming back
At 19:00 went for a walk with my 12 yo cousin
Got back to there place at 21:00, got back home now ,midnight.

so another day no pmo, no urges, no random chat websites, no TV , no phone first couple hours.

It was a good day
Tomorrow got some tasks to do,and a little concert at night , last one for 2021

I didn’t work out, will try to do it tomorrow, enough procrastinating

I should eat healthier and sure don’t want to watch porn or TV or anything, don’t want to use random chat website, I don’t want to use my phone first 2 hours.
I should prepare for the work next year (next week :joy:)

There is alot of work to do, and many tasks, I shouldn’t get overwhelmed or distracted, myself comes first, periorities is my own personal stuff, it takes alot alot alot of time to get better or to get to my goal, so I should just be patient, take things easy, give my self time, to think clearly and plan better for the future.

Good luck all

Hey guys and gals

at age 14 I had sexual experience with an old friend
it left me with alot of feelings and debates
8 years has passed, and I still feel like I want to go back there to that memory, and re live it again.
I think about it alot alot

It’s one of the main things that gives me urges
And Sometimes just leaves me with disrespect for myself and other negative thoughts.
How to handle it? How can I get over it?

Hey it’s negative post

Not worth it

I don’t respect myself, I don’t like myself
Everyday I give up many times even before waking up, not a guy I would admire
I know nothing about life, I achieved nothing
My parents believe in me and carved in my brain "you’re worth it, you’re special, you are great at X,Y,Z… " When I feel it’s all just an illusion
My intire life I didn’t work on anything, I always did the minimum to survive another round, never did something because I believe in it, never worked on something cause I want, my intire life was built on strangers, impressing them, even exaggerating about stuff. I never fought for something, or hold my position, always running, hiding, not facing
With everything good my parents give me credit for, I know it’s illusion.

Hell they won’t let me say this out loud, they will fight me for it, until I give up again and act like I’m worth and I’m better, can fake it to everyone but not myself.
I’m at point I want to let go of everything, give up everything to know my true size, whatever it is, at least I’ll feel like it’s mine.

when my family tell me you’re worth it, we believe in you. It’s great and very kind, but doesn’t help me feel better, not doing a thing, and just setting people telling me you’re great, this is called disease, won’t help me achieve anything,on the contrary, it will make me relive the illusion once again, set do nothing because now I believe I’m there, until I fall hard and snap out of it, again. so don’t tell me I’m worth it, I got a long way to go, before earning respect to myself.

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Bro , I have also relapsed a few moment ago. Hey lets have a match then. Not the match to prove anyone better but to help each other out of this loop. We can also add some good habits like working out etc. This is not to compare anyone either in terms of No Fap or discipline but to make ourselves successful individuals in the future. We both have reached 60 + streak once . I know we can do that again.

Could you please give your opinion about it ?

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@risinglion123 hey bro that would be great, I need active companion to push each other for the better, if u know someone else wants to be on daily check that would be even better. Let’s do it
Thanks for the good energy man

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If you are interested, we can do this as a team :+1:

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Not related to no fap

I can do one thing at a time, either do or feel or think
Why? Idk I’m broken

What ever I do I’m running and hiding from something
I don’t like or respect myself, it’s things to be earned, and I don’t deserve any

I want to work, practice piano, work out and get back to karate

If I do these and don’t do pmo, I’ll be the most satisfied man. I want to get to certain lvl in piano, karate, physical strength and health, and good economical status.

I believe I can’t make anything better in my life
Cause I’m 22 and I’ve never done anything by myself
Always pushed and activated by others by alot of outside help.

I got alot of feelings to explore alot of thoughts to dig deeper into, and alot of actual work, I want to be better but I’m lazy and lonely and

I don’t believe that to get better any single shit it must be painful and hard and required alot of sacrifice, but it seems like the reality is all boring, reguir pain physical and mental.

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8/1/22

Sorry guys, it’s negative post, don’t read if you’re not sure you can handle it

pour my heart

So yea life sucks
Life is not worth it
Nothing is
Nothing worth living for or dying for, just worthless
Since you’re here just be here stay here and see the play will end, how things will change, maybe for the better who knows, maybe finally you understand life better, so hang in there , heavens and hell are packed up and can wait

I don’t think of God , I know he’s there, and I believe he is there always for me. But what to do, I feel alone, and lonely, no friends to do anything with, how I see people, they want me around only if I can serve them, and for some of I can join them with there let’s do pmo journey, I’m all drained out of life
I was alive before that guy touching me at age 13, I was alive before everyone around me judge everyone else, condemned, I was alive before people took advantage of those who messed up, those who had hard time, those who’s lost , sucked the life out of me

I was nothing but a perfect child, why perfect, because when I’m feeling bad weak alone hurt confused depressed broken, never told anyone cause they never hurt me but I saw them hurt others.

I tried to change things, I want to make people better, not cause I’m good , I’m not I suck, but because I need good people around.

I want one friend to join me on a journey, do project, sport, music, food, anything , real life friends that I chose , Well left me dry , drained

And those who I left I’m sorry I was so shallow, I judged, but I was just a boy who’s raised like this

Today I relapsed twice and there is alot of time left for the day to end, I reached out to friends in rl, they suck, no one will move his ass for me, apparently I’m not good enough, or again just like everything else or even more, I am not worth it, I’m not worth calling, I’m not worth for anything.

My family loves me, they hurt me alot, cause I tried to open up million times, before I kneeled in from of everyone, and said my problems my worries out loud,
I’m not fcking perfect, I’m not great, don’t put on me more than what I can handle

Now they keep telling me ,we love you, we got you,
I love them, but why no one saw me before, why just now, now it’s too late, we don’t know each other, my story, my side, isn’t like yours, isn’t what you expect

I tell them, they get made , get defencive, I understand that, but I understand they love me but can’t help me
I’m worth it for them, but that can’t anymore, I wish something prove me wrong

When I first broke in front of them, they were angry at me, said they are under alot of pleasure and can’t handle more crises, I said " well dad, I’m your son "
They fought against me, they throw words at me, saying I got it all wrong, I’m all wrong, it was like that until I pushed them to the edge, “life isn’t worth it, I got nothing to lose, cause apparently I got no one, but you people got alot to lose, cause I yours, don’t start war at me cause I got nothing to lose, not even a life or a soul”

Days goes by, I still have no one but God, God I failed you, I hate myself for that, God I don’t think about you alot, cause it just reminds me that I can’t feel you any more, you’re right here, but I feel alone lonely weak, God I can’t do it without you, I can’t do anything, I’m drained out, I can’t fight anymore, lost the spirit, I don’t love my self, I don’t see my self worth it. I’m sorry but I can’t, I need to feel you every sec of my day to get back myself.

So I’m left with all my messed up thoughts and emotions, can’t find anyone, don’t have it in me to do anything, just need someone to feel less lonely, after surfing the web for one of those 7 billion people using it, no one knows me, no one can carry 2 people himself and and lost soul, after houy I’m feeling void, I can barely open up my eyes and stand, fckn people finally give me fake few minutes care, for what, for my body, for pmo, so I’m those websites, I turn to a bitch, anything, just a little care, a little of you’re worth it, and soon before you know it the show ends the curtains down and I’m worthless, even less than before.
So fck my life

I was judgmental I didn’t make alot of friends, but u helped out people, u cared, I prayed, I tried to make a change, I tried to push life into this dead world into these people walking with no souls, but I failed, God help me, there is good left in me but no light in here.

Depressed anyway so why save it, if something made me forget in the past about the bad stuff and feel good, was karate I trained 12 years, the last year for me I was practicing for long hour 4 times a week, giving it my best at that time. I had no friends there but family, or was supposed to be. After these 12 years, before Christmas, my sensi hit me, series of
illegal moves, I didn’t feel no pain, but I couldn’t walk.
For your information, my great father at one point blamed me for it, thanks dad for blaming me for not being able to walk back then, for losing an ability. So that karate family bailed on me, never checked on me, and more, I didn’t want to sue anyone, just basic endurance cause it did cost me my fckn life, they bailed on me, said it never happened, if you want something sue your sensi, but I won’t ruin someone’s life, then why the hell they have insurance if they won’t use it, and yes! that sensi never asked about me. I had to relearn how to walk 3 times, after every single surgery, and got one more this year and it keep going. They killed me. Why do I have to go through this shit, why do I always have to start over after giving it my all. This time I have no one to help me, learn to walk again, I can’t do it, unless I give up my life which is all the people I loved but I can’t carry anyone with me, I need to forget about everything and everyone.

Happy great life, was it worth it ?
So far, my life! Not much

I beg for some guidance and support :pray:

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@Rab_J I am repling because I can’t find all this pain … believe or not you are not alone
Me too rab I lost to much of my people I was knowing them and I was so happy about this group , like a new family and all is gone ,I don’t know why exactly this happen , my thoughts lead me to accept the fact the difference between real friends and fake ones (I don’t know exactly…)but you are not alone and I can understand how is misery to need and thousand and billions are attack you :boom:
But you know what ??:thinking:
=>The law of attraction try it for a period , if you want to be happy go over the happiness. Make someone happy yes yes … You will tell me I have no one :thinking: just go and talk even to the grocery man and smile and say hello you will fell different … I know this sounds is crazy … but do what ever you want don’t stuck on your bed don’t let something steal your happiness …
this world is created to search and act …explore and to finally feel this self appreciation and excitement …
=> About the family and how they broke us and … Many worth it happens when they act like fighting our needs and not only this I know I know … I am trying to understand you you are not alone … remember
I know to talk about them is long speeches will have and we will not fix 🙅 but they do what they know … what many kind of parents do , like you are the puzzle and you don’t know anything , you are ***** I am not saying they aren’t do something bad to you it’s impossible to judge …
Please don’t take anyone word as I know what’s going with you .
It’s impossible …
My advice to you to do the best for you … to going forward and stop… repeat this cruel words…remember that your thoughts act just like you ordered and you deserve the best rab-j …remember…:point_left:
I know there are many details in your story and you was writing like someone lost in the :desert:but you aren’t … and you will not…focus on yourself maybe this is an alert from god to focus on your life style what ever you want

Focus on one thing… right now

What do you want to achieve …
And only for proving that it can works
When I enjoyed this forum and put that no fap is the first and last chance to me , no going back I relapsed after 12 days I think … of course , I learned from it but second trying was going fine till watched something in movie makes me not feeling good only this bad makes me count it I wasn’t count porn as a relapse , I trapped with the tricky porn , I fell into the trap of porn. I didn’t count it , because , I haven’t done it since the time I started my journey, but I have a habit of watching movies and it happens that a scene appears or even I expect something to happen, so I thought that all of this does not count and that I To endure and face it, but the last time I relapsed, you proved to me the opposite, and it is a habit to never allow yourself to fall under suspicion to happen or perhaps not (I mean I count when I feel that type of bad inside…)
Anyway … you are not alone
Be kind to yourself is the best … believe and believe and pray to god to make you strong against anything you find it worth it …
I am not the best or anything … I am so weak this period (from my last relapse) I am so weak believe me …
I am not saying any advice or anything I was sharing what I felt or comes inside my head to talk to you

All the companions are beside you…
Stay safety because you deserve … no time for any deases or any interruptions … believe that you are the lord this time , give yourself the chance , you already have it .

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Thanks alot man for caring and replying
I’ll follow the rule of attraction you mentioned, it sure works. right now, I want to build simple daily routine to start with, then clear my head for other things.
My goals : be able to make myself happy (not rely on others for that, but create my own happiness and satisfaction), be able to do some work daily if I could put efforts for 3-4 hours a day I’ll feel much better, quite pmo, and accept my self that I’m still trying the understand myself, and not be ashamed of that, I want to be genuine, true tiny self,I don’t want people to give me credit for more than what I really worth. I want to value myself and love myself, separated of what people think of me (better or worst)

Thanks man for the kind words , for the support and for understanding.
شكرا لك صديقي على اهتمامك وتضامنك وتفهمك، انا ما بحترم ولا
بحب حالي زي ما لازم، دائما بتوقع اشي من برا يجي ويحركني ويوجهني، بتأمل أوصل لوضع الي أقدر أوجه حالي وأدعم وأحرك نفسي، يكون الاشي نابع من جوا.

شكرا الك، إنشاء الله مع بعض نقدر نصير احسن وأحسن، وأنا رح أتواجد معك اذا احتجت أي اشي زي ما انت كنت حدي ودعمتني. شكرا لك :pray:
@NhTbH

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I am woman , and it’s ok :sweat_smile::+1:
Yes ,we are together :muscle::fire:
Thanks for your Arabic , I am so excited :laughing:

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Hahahaha Thanks sister :sweat_smile:
still I meant it all, thank you
I’m here for you whenever you need me

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Yaaah sure @Rab_J :smiley::smiley:

Today is day 2, I want to get better on this journey
I’m sick of repeating this bad episode of my life

I keep going over questions in my head, it never ends I’m not thinking straight, can’t gather my thoughts, neurons burning for nothing.

stuff about what I want to be and what I want to do, when, how, and how much I’m ready to go for it.
Then I suspect myself, am is my decision coming form a place if laziness, I don’t want to do a thing, or i just don’t like something.

not having answer and not having the energy to answer it or think about it anymore, is sad and tiring

I’m really stressed out about tomorrow, I got work, and I need to prepare, it take alot of time and energy, which I’m not willing to put. Yet I can’t sleep and don’t want to, cause I’m worried about tomorrow.


How I see myself ? Just guessing and try to understand

So say I want to teach something, I remember everytime I should have done something on this subject but I didn’t, I gave up, and didn’t even try, every study I should have done, every homework or exercise I should have done but I didn’t, why cause I give up and never put efforts. So i blame my self for it, I hate my self for it, cause I cheated on myself. So I feel like I’m totally not worth it. Even though I did just great last time before doing the work with out doing everything I needed to do. I live by chance, I don’t push much or put efforts.

If I have concert I remember everytime I bailed, I didn’t practice as I should have, and hate myself for it, and see myself as not worthy.

I’m indeed not worth the credit they give me.
This might be one side for my depression loop

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Day 3
Today was alright, started pretty bad, was tired, felt a bit sick, but then felt better
I worked a bit got out with a friend, and visited a relative.

One of my goals since I dropped off university, is to get better at piano. So far I failed to practice one hour. Idk what to do, I could play for hours for fun, but can’t do 10 minutes practice.

When I dropped off, I had a set of periorities, I was afraid my periorities would change and I will end up doing nothing wasting the year. I’m afraid piano practice subconsciously dropped of my periority list

I’m ashamed of that, I’m taking lessons, for nothing,
I don’t relate and don’t feel the music I need to practice on, but again I need it if I want to get better, to learn more techniques and to get more flexible and faster. I need advice if someone can give ?

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Sorry I dont have that much familiarity with piano. I do play the Flute. I havent taken any professional training. I would like to ask you few questions…

  1. Are you playing piano just for fun/ hobby/ career option?
  2. From when you started playing piano?
  3. What is the thing that brings you passion for playing piano?
  4. What are your priorities now?

If you dont have any objections. Do answer these.

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It’s all 3, it’s hobby mostly
But currently I go in small concert and teach little kids

Playing since forever , I took lessons for 2 years stopped the another 2 then another 2, but started like at age 6, (16 years ago). When I stopped taking lessons I kept playing, note: playing not the same as practicing
Need to practice to get new skills and more flexible

Idk, the thing that’s I’m telling story with all the emotions without telling details. Helps me build up good feeling, positive. Plus we had this great pianist started working with us (the family) like 10 years ago he’s inspiration.

Feel better, accept and love myself, get my family and friends to the same page I’m in, means to get closer to these people let them know me deeply and feel me, then get piano.

I’m seeing a therapist to work some things out.

Kinda me playing piano and my family being close and supportive these 2 contradict

Cause the second I go back to routine my family will think magically I’m all right. And then won’t try to be around and know me and help me anymore, but rather will get back to throwing huge responsibilities on me. Or at least my fear that this might happen

I sound a bit negative and sad , I am a little bit. But I’m alright, thank God for everything.
Cheers :slight_smile:

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Why dont you pursue them to see you play infront of your little students. If they love you am sure, they will be happy to see your joy.
And bro dont be afraid to follow your hobby even if it ditances you from your family. Hobby is something that will hold you close to your soul.
Best regards from your younger brother :muscle::muscle::grin::heart:

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Thanks alot bro
GL with the flute :slight_smile:

Hello all, This is Political documenting biased to the people
Well u hope you read it

I’m 22 yo guy , Christian Arab Israeli,

Let me tell you this, in Israel as 22 yo I start to think about how to get a house or an apartment, how to get car …

A house, means you own the land, the cheepest one in Israel, at the worst conditions, costs 800k$ , on average humble house is 1m $

An apartment 50 square metres, the cheepest is 200k$

RENTING THE WORST , and SMALLEST APARTMENT, 2k $ per month.

Pretty nice right?
Fuck me don’t worry about me, I love parks, we have piano at some parks so I’ll have fun there.
Anyway I’m living with my parents, thank God.

So back to it, in Israel at the desert, there is Bidwem, people, that’s what we call them, they are Arabs as well

They have lands only at the desert, they are in very bad economical state, can’t afford rents or anything
They built their houses with there hands, the Israeli government said u need permission, they asked for million permissions yet the government refused to help in any way or talk things out see what these people are dealing with, this poverty .

The Israel Government, desides to send the fckn army to attack the people, kick them out and destroy their houses. The people have no where to go and refused.
Yet always this fckn government goes against the people, and always solve every problem by power , by wars , guys, killings people, even its own.

Yesterday, they attacked these houses as no one stand for this terrorism the kids living there 6 yo, 9 yo and such stood to this army,
Literally standing in front of the house , won’t leave , and some inside the house and some even sleeping.

They end up arrested these kids, the army attack and imprison these kids for simply refusing to leave their home , they have no where else to go. They throw gas’s bombs , and killed pregnant woman what inside the house.

I’m not against Israel it it’s people, I’m against the army and all these actions.

Imprisoning children, attacked everyone, solving every problem with guns tanks and such

For everyone out there just so you know ,this is Israel government this is Israel army

And for these people with chairs what the hell are you teaching your kills, if someone disagree kill him? Solve everything with force, hatred , wars.

These people God bless them, God help them
As Arabs in Israel there is nothing we can do but take them in , give them shelter and help by that, but he can’t get the children out of prison, or give them back their house, or make them forget about the traumatic experience.

For polititions ,hatred is not an answer, wars is not an answer

You’re building a world that will eat you and your children alive, thing for the long run how these actions will affect generations to be worst not better than you, is that what you want for your beloved ones ?