pour my heart
So yea life sucks
Life is not worth it
Nothing worth living for or dying for, just worthless
Since you’re here just be here stay here and see the play will end, how things will change, maybe for the better who knows, maybe finally you understand life better, so hang in there , heavens and hell are packed up and can wait
I don’t think of God , I know he’s there, and I believe he is there always for me. But what to do, I feel alone, and lonely, no friends to do anything with, how I see people, they want me around only if I can serve them, and for some of I can join them with there let’s do pmo journey, I’m all drained out of life
I was alive before that guy touching me at age 13, I was alive before everyone around me judge everyone else, condemned, I was alive before people took advantage of those who messed up, those who had hard time, those who’s lost , sucked the life out of me
I was nothing but a perfect child, why perfect, because when I’m feeling bad weak alone hurt confused depressed broken, never told anyone cause they never hurt me but I saw them hurt others.
I tried to change things, I want to make people better, not cause I’m good , I’m not I suck, but because I need good people around.
I want one friend to join me on a journey, do project, sport, music, food, anything , real life friends that I chose , Well left me dry , drained
And those who I left I’m sorry I was so shallow, I judged, but I was just a boy who’s raised like this
Today I relapsed twice and there is alot of time left for the day to end, I reached out to friends in rl, they suck, no one will move his ass for me, apparently I’m not good enough, or again just like everything else or even more, I am not worth it, I’m not worth calling, I’m not worth for anything.
My family loves me, they hurt me alot, cause I tried to open up million times, before I kneeled in from of everyone, and said my problems my worries out loud,
I’m not fcking perfect, I’m not great, don’t put on me more than what I can handle
Now they keep telling me ,we love you, we got you,
I love them, but why no one saw me before, why just now, now it’s too late, we don’t know each other, my story, my side, isn’t like yours, isn’t what you expect
I tell them, they get made , get defencive, I understand that, but I understand they love me but can’t help me
I’m worth it for them, but that can’t anymore, I wish something prove me wrong
When I first broke in front of them, they were angry at me, said they are under alot of pleasure and can’t handle more crises, I said " well dad, I’m your son "
They fought against me, they throw words at me, saying I got it all wrong, I’m all wrong, it was like that until I pushed them to the edge, “life isn’t worth it, I got nothing to lose, cause apparently I got no one, but you people got alot to lose, cause I yours, don’t start war at me cause I got nothing to lose, not even a life or a soul”
Days goes by, I still have no one but God, God I failed you, I hate myself for that, God I don’t think about you alot, cause it just reminds me that I can’t feel you any more, you’re right here, but I feel alone lonely weak, God I can’t do it without you, I can’t do anything, I’m drained out, I can’t fight anymore, lost the spirit, I don’t love my self, I don’t see my self worth it. I’m sorry but I can’t, I need to feel you every sec of my day to get back myself.
So I’m left with all my messed up thoughts and emotions, can’t find anyone, don’t have it in me to do anything, just need someone to feel less lonely, after surfing the web for one of those 7 billion people using it, no one knows me, no one can carry 2 people himself and and lost soul, after houy I’m feeling void, I can barely open up my eyes and stand, fckn people finally give me fake few minutes care, for what, for my body, for pmo, so I’m those websites, I turn to a bitch, anything, just a little care, a little of you’re worth it, and soon before you know it the show ends the curtains down and I’m worthless, even less than before.
So fck my life
I was judgmental I didn’t make alot of friends, but u helped out people, u cared, I prayed, I tried to make a change, I tried to push life into this dead world into these people walking with no souls, but I failed, God help me, there is good left in me but no light in here.
Depressed anyway so why save it, if something made me forget in the past about the bad stuff and feel good, was karate I trained 12 years, the last year for me I was practicing for long hour 4 times a week, giving it my best at that time. I had no friends there but family, or was supposed to be. After these 12 years, before Christmas, my sensi hit me, series of
illegal moves, I didn’t feel no pain, but I couldn’t walk.
For your information, my great father at one point blamed me for it, thanks dad for blaming me for not being able to walk back then, for losing an ability. So that karate family bailed on me, never checked on me, and more, I didn’t want to sue anyone, just basic endurance cause it did cost me my fckn life, they bailed on me, said it never happened, if you want something sue your sensi, but I won’t ruin someone’s life, then why the hell they have insurance if they won’t use it, and yes! that sensi never asked about me. I had to relearn how to walk 3 times, after every single surgery, and got one more this year and it keep going. They killed me. Why do I have to go through this shit, why do I always have to start over after giving it my all. This time I have no one to help me, learn to walk again, I can’t do it, unless I give up my life which is all the people I loved but I can’t carry anyone with me, I need to forget about everything and everyone.
Happy great life, was it worth it ?
So far, my life! Not much
I beg for some guidance and support