Being near 200 days, I would think I rewired. For me its still different since I’m introverted, often anxious and mildly depressed.
This past month at age 28 I learned about an interesting type of devil, the news. Recently there was an article about a female fan who lifted her shirt at a key moment exposing her breasts, near the women was a happy fan who very much outwardly enjoyed this moment. Although the image was blurred the body type was very similar to a pornstars and it triggered me.
Now its night and I’m lying in bed, a few moments ago all I can think of is fucking that body. Then it got me thinking, do I really see all women this way in my life today? The answer is no. It’s an unnatural occurence and its not really part of who I am… or who we are. All that’s left is that penis, brain and reward system connection that’s on its way out.
All that shame of being a pervert, its not even real. Yes we are men with our sexual tendencys. So I try to embrace and accept that.
Dating, having a relationship and sex eventually after marrige will be part of my life not just a fantasy that I can never have.