Petrassi's Diary - My Last Days?

Hello any who are reading this. My name is Brendan, I’m 24 and I live in Ireland. I have been on this NoFap journey/movement for several years. It has been a rollercoaster, I have been dominated by my urges, I have felt hopeless and useless, I have felt unbeatable and powerful, I tried every combination of abstinence from P, M and O over the time I spent here and I learned over the course of this journey how to love myself and how not to treat myself.

It has been a labour of love from the beginning. A labour of self-love. Whether I could feel that love or not, I trusted it would come eventually. It did! Thank god…

There is a lot of information out there about NoFap. If some of you delve enough you may find a lot of it to be storytelling and some of the unexpected bits to be firmly true. It is a deep, brave and personal journey of discovery into one of mans most unique forces, everyone will end up with a different spin on it.

However for me, I feel like I have learned enough now to lead a more fulfilling, wholesome life with my sexual essence. Sharing what I have learned has been my main motivation for staying on this forum for the last few months. Well maybe not my main one. Some of you probably know me from the various Challenge threads I have created, refined and maintained personally for some time.

I have enjoyed making these threads because of participants engagement with them. A lot of people have enjoyed using them as tools to reach new heights and to continue to achieve into ludicrously high streaks. It gives some of these people something to do when they get to the higher streaks. A big part of why I enjoyed these too is to try to spread my message through motivation and advice.

What people on this forum need more than anything is a reformation of the way they think and treat themselves. There is so much self hatred tied in with the No Fap journey, it is really sad for me to witness so many men hate themselves when they masturbate. Something has clearly gone wrong when a man cannot masturbate without feeling venomous against himself, the wires got crossed, the wrong voice was heard at the wrong time, the porn industry mutilated his natural urges, probably a combination of all the above! But the result is, nonetheless, a travesty for men dealing with their perception of masculinity.

I have tried to show people compassion and offer a different way to look at their ‘failures’ so they may learn to stop hating themselves for making mistakes. It has been hard sometimes but mostly I just feel passionately about being a man trying to find his place in the world and trying to get a grip on what masculinity feels for me that helping other men do the same enlivens me and makes me feel like I can make a difference.

I believe my challenge threads are doing well, they have always fluctuated a little in usage but I designed them with sustainability in mind, so that people would be compelled to partipate for as long as they were enjoying using them as a supportive tool. However my feelings about pitting men against each other through competitions are very mixed and mostly negative. It is a moral dilemma for me, I really don’t believe competition leaves room for healing, I believe competition in our society is a massive part of the reason why so many of us ended up here!

And yet here I am creating more competition again, feeding that competitivity trained in me and feeding the same in other men. It is feeding the wrong voice, in my opinion, when we are trying to heal from addiction. Acceptance heals, not fighting.

I am feeding that which I want to stop. I feel like I am shovelling in the snow trying to use this platform in this way to heal other men.

But more than any of this, I am tired.

I am tired and my NoFap journey is over.

I masturbate wholesomely, without porn, every week or so, I make sure to do it from a place of desire and not from a place of escapism. I have sex, I have never wanted to stop this however.

Basically, I have healed enough to manage masturbation and do it in a healthy way for me.

And now I feel; I am done!

Managing the challenges brings me little pleasure or joy anymore, it takes a bit of work to have them run as smoothly as they have for so long, more than anyone expects I would dare to say. And now I no longer feel like I am truly a partipant, all I am now is the taskmaster, overseeing men compete against one another.

I made this post to get some of my thoughts and feelings out and if anyone gets through all of this to maybe receive some advice from anyone willing to give some. I have visited this forum twice a day minimum and averaged 5 hours of usage weekly since February this year, it has always been a labour of love and now it just feels like labour.

I recognise that just leaving would be irresponsible as many users of this thread use my three challenges regularly, some for months, and all of their hard work has been documented well and I believe helps them with their self esteem. I feel sad that things feel this way for me now because I am afraid some people are dependant on my management of these threads. Maybe I am blowing it out of proportion, what do you think?

Feel free to say whatever you like in response to reading this, I would just love some honest comments from the community about what hearing this brings up for you, especially if you have or are or will participate/d in any of my challenge threads.

Thank you :facepunch:

Edit: I have decided to stay for the time being and have a more relaxed attitude towards my responsibilities. I will still do as much as I was before but I will try to do it from a place of wanting instead of a place of obligation :slight_smile: Thank you for the feedback :facepunch:

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Hey man. Thanks for writing this out and sharing what’s on your mind. I for one felt immensely helped by your inputs with regard to a query of mine that was a big concern for me at the time. So, you are making a huge meaningful contribution to others’ lives, and from a personal point of view, I hope you canfind a way to stick around.

I get your point about it becoming tiring to be a taskmaster. At this point the site’s design is also pretty basic so that manual tracking of competitions is required, and it’s not ideal. I also get your point about an excessive focus on competition as the only driving force to be inadequate. At the same time, it’s a useful initial crutch to help individuals change how they behave. And psychology tells us that once you start behaving differently, your mindset and attitudes also change to be in line with that behaviour. So I do feel that the contests serve a definite net positive purpose.

You need to look after your well being though, so it’s totally understandable that you want to give up contest management. Would it be possible that you don’t manage all those things but stick around on the app/site and take a look occasionally to help out where necessary? I feel that would be of immense benefit to everyone. Regarding the contests, hopefully there will be volunteers willing to take it up.

Cheers, and wish you a fulfilling life ahead.

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Oh and btw, I am participating in one of your challenges. It would be a bit of a downer for me if that ends, but I can get by. Can’t speak for others though.

Also, if you do give all that up, I hope you do it without guilt. I am sure the energy and time you will save will enable you to engage with the rest of the world more intensely and to help spread your positivity around even more directly. So do listen to what your heart says!

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Everyone who struggles with nofap probably has a distorted view of sex and masturbation. That’s why we join Rewire, to fix how we perceive this.

I’m glad to hear you’ve healed and no longer have porn in your life. You should have the freedom to masturbate freely. If your nofap journey is over, then you’ve found satisfaction in what you’ve accomplished.

If you leave “taskmaster” duties I’m sure there are a few people who would be glad to take over. But if this app doesn’t motivate you like it used to, I wouldn’t want you to feel obligated to stay.

Thanks for your contributions to Rewire. You’ve helped make it better. :clap::+1:

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We had it coming. I’ve known this for some time. I’ve seen you do all the hard work and I believe that you have never received as much appreciation as required. In truth, I have been wondering for few days that what would it be like if you weren’t present (definitely not as good as it is now). Once you leave, your absence will be felt strongly. A heartfelt thanks from me for all the roles you have played here, as a friend, advisor and ‘taskmaster’. Thanks for being here. I hope that you take pleasant memories from the forum and lead a happy life, full of energy.

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Thank you for the feedback and the kind words @adequatemonty @copper_bronze @MrXYZ !

It is good for me to hear that the challenges are helping and the contribution is felt. It inspires me to continue!

I think I will try to pare back the amount of work I have to do in order to upkeep the challenges as a compromise. And maybe check just once a day instead of twice. But for now I will continue. Just saying all of this stuff helped me feel better about it too.

If anyone else wants to respond in this thread feel free to, feedback and advice is still very much welcome. I will continue to use this thread for stuff like this in the future :slight_smile:

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I personally hope you don’t leave the app altogether because your thoughts, knowledge and growing wisdom is of extremely great value,
Especially to those who are hating themselves just because they had wank.haha!

I left the threads because I added NoSmoking to my counter and didn’t want people to wrongly start thinking “how can I trust what he posts about pmo, when he’s constantly failing at NoPmo”… When in truth I may just have had a puff on a cigarette :sweat_smile:

I think your threads are good civil fun, not a competition against each other, but rather a group of people aiming for a goal just for a laugh!
As you put it “let’s reach this goal together” or “countries competing” - its fun, and I don’t take them too seriously.
But don’t tire yourself out with them,
btw that’s not an offer to help out! Haha! Sorry :sweat_smile:

Your attitude in what you care about is Awesome, and your cool demeanour transpires to your threads, I’ve always felt.

Also, you and @s8k8 are like my cool wise elders since I joined over a month ago.
It’s probably the honest profile pics, the honest language you both use and that you’ve both been here for a while :sweat_smile:

I love this app, and my close companions, buddies and the people I keep in contact with.

Again, I must say, you elders (lol) are of great value to those who might need help, and to those like me who also want to give help to newbies and those who seem alone.

Help people help themselves - excuse me for going a little off topic, it’s just something I’ve wanted to say :sweat_smile:

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Ah @Aoshigreen thanks so much for sharing how you feel! I never suspected you thought of me that way, I feel honoured, it is a privilege to inspire :slight_smile:

Thank you for that point that I don’t emphasise the competitiveness but instead the co operativeness. I think maybe I was being too harsh with myself because if you experience as that comraderie then the way I talk about it is turning the emphasis away from the competition to an extent.

It is good to hear where you’re at and how you think. I agree with you there @s8k8 is a very wise guy whom I have much respect for in his outlook. He is very intelligent! Men whom I trust how they think about things also are @speak.aditya.asia and @neveragaintw. They are all compassionate people who emphasise self acceptance, something I value most in this journey.

After reading your post too I can see your growth @Aoshigreen, keep learning and keep finding your own way :slight_smile:

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Petrassi, you deserve a whole and fulfilling life “out there”. We all are only here for a season, to cure our unbalanced parts. While we restore our own peace, we help each other. When our time is come, we hear the call to new journeys.

As in life, generations succeed one another. The remaining folks on the boat will be alright. What we can’t do anymore, someone else who’s still on the battlefield will come to do.

Don’t feel obligated to the task forever. Embrace what seems to be meaningful on the present, and show up whenever you feel like sharing a new story :wink:

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thanks a lot.
it makes me happy to hear that people can be stronger than this problem. i’m so glad for you that you came that far.

i hope i will one day be where you are now.

(never fear to come back. if you see that porn gets a tighter grip again, don’t feel ashamed to contect us again)

wish you all the best

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