My Fantasy/Reality as I perceived it
I’ll never be good enough. I’m homosexual.
should be alone and single and never talk about it.
i aspired to be the best human, not the strongest, smartest, faster, but more human. with sympathy, love, weakness, humanity terms.
when I realised I’m homosexual, all my hopes crashed. cause I knew, people would perceive me as the enemy, the devil, and the church won’t take me, and God would condemn me guilty.
i was crushed, furious, troubled with this new burden. I got angry at myself, I hated and inflicted pain on myself. condemned myself guilty and unworthy. trying everything to change it, prayed, tried techniques, and defied God. I wanted to change so bad. later on When I calmed down, I realized I’m doing all for the wrong reasons, I was doing for the people, to look nice in their eyes. but couldn’t it be this and actually being good and devined for God, why can’t go hand by hand. I’ve always turned every weakness, every need, into something good, If felt so lonely I’d go help people and that’s how I be with them and around them. basically turned every weakness and shortage into an opportunity for good, while seeking my basic human needs.
I’ve never healed from this fall, never understood “why me”. just understood how weak and un powerful I am. that I can’t control everything, I can’t make everything, in fact I can’t anything without God. and that my plans aren’t what was planned for me. but still, painful, lost, uncertain, and unknown destiny.
I kept struggling trying to make sense of life, tried to pick myself up, wasn’t that successful. this is the era of why am I living, what am I doing here.
I kept it for myself, trying to handle it by my own, alone. now, I have to push myself away to hide it. every time I had to manipulate the conversation and manipulate my words so I don’t lie or give a clue to people, it hurt. Every time I had no other way but lie, I chose to lie and not face it. my ego is too high to accept people looking down at me. was hurt.
God blessed me with alot, brian, health, family, talent, skill, enough of everything I need, except people cause I had to keep my distance. I had good achievement compaired to my age, decent grades and good reputation. I used all this to help every time I can. serving people was the only contact I had with them, other than that kept it dry.
now good Intel, I desired to be good and hoped I turn up to be preist. that was childhood fantasy , and never actually stopped dreaming about it. I was scared to take this step. through out my life, I drew attention to myself unintentionally, my actions and attitude. that many priests suggested to me to become a priest, said I’ll make a good one. so, I had answered them all it’s not my calling, I’m not good enough, I can’t. cause obviously, it’s a dream, a fantasy, but reality is, I’m homosexual I can never become a priest in my catholic church. every time different priest approach me with this suggestion it felt like, damn I wish. but I can never.
until this point I still carry my burden alone, Didn’t tell any priest or anyone.
before I continue, falling that fall, and while experimenting and trying every good and bad possibility to change my sexuality, during this fight I caught pmo addiction. with lots of other things, like depression… I learned that I can’t change it. sure not with hatred and negativity. maybe things out of my control and out of my thinking could change things somehow. but to my knowledge I got to accept it and live with it.
so back to God’s blessings. 18yo Studying electrical engineering, and years of piano and karate, decent grades, with fixed income and work. just heaven, only if I had people. I wasn’t rich lived modest life, wasn’t the smartest, wasn’t the best at anything, but I was pretty good, top tier. 3 years into electrical engineering, I felt like I can have it all, but its all worthless. I literally spent time around people only while in lectures or when someone need help with some material.
so third year, the peak of my depression, I went to a Catholic priest, told him and cried over my sexuality, for my suprise he took me in, said it’s alright God loves you no matter what, orientations aren’t a problem, he created you like this he accepts you and loves you. I asked him what should I do with this, he continued don’t do homosexual acts, don’t act on desires, as every single man shouldn’t follow his sexual desires, sex is only under marriage despite sexuality. knowing that homosexuals can’t get married according to the church, you gonna have to embrace celibacy.
he truly helped me, and invited me to the church to the mass, prayed with people, been around people.
it helped me alot, but I couldn’t get out of depression, So third year , 6th semester, I couldn’t leave my room or take any exam. however, I had to take one exam cause it would affect my partner on the project, I aced it for him so no harm goes his way. I dropped out of university, worked, put every money I made that year on therapy, sports, and followed up with doctors and specialists about my health. this l year was meant for fixing myself.
mentally there was a good improvement, I got better, became better. I would say it still hurt, all things accompanied with being homosexual. at my third year I’ve told the priest then couple friends, then my close family. my family denied it, was bad response. just my brother didn’t care, he said don’t worry about it, but again my brother lived in another country at the time, this leaves me with those who didn’t take it well and don’t want to ever hear about it again. SO YEAR of self fixing, mental health in progress.
I decided to go persue music. now I’m on my second year, I’m acing it. its more fulfilling. oh I’m also studying information systems. mixed degree half and half.
i will persue music and teaching, in the future I can work in high-tech, or music in general, or teach in school programming/math/music. I love kids, teens, I love teaching and helping shape better people for the future. maybe this is the plan.
my life went sideways many times, my plans has proved to be not what God has planed for me. it would be amazing one day if I can be closer to God, serve him in anyway. my relationship with God is bumpy atm, but we share the values and in good terms mostly. I still have so many questions, I still wonder “why me” and why should I even live. its still brutally lonely, I can’t let lose to the people that I’m homosexual. still hurts, just need people around, not asking for anything intimate, brothers and sisters relationship. My advice to anyone is love yourself.
I wish things get better, I wish I get better, be better. I wish I understand God more, I wish I get brave and wise.
thats a tiny tiny tiny portion of a life. many many more things happened and many lessons learned on the way.
29th November, 2023, 4:14Am
