Paul's Diary - My share of experiences of past and hope for future

I’m a few minutes from day 53. Last time I pmo was on the last day of July.

Toward the end of 2017, my life was becoming increasingly unmanable. I saw my life passing and was getting anywhere. I’d had enough, I wanted to change and was willing to let go of anything I was holding onto.

I quit taking drugs in March, quite smoking in June, but was still holding onto alcohol, and didn’t even consider pmo a problem in my life. Then the night came like so many before it when alcohol got the better of me. I got wasted and shagged my bosses long term girlfriend.

The next day I felt terrible. I had realised that alcohol had been a problem in my life, but had justified it away, but that incident made it all very clear that it has a bad effect on me, I can’t drink like a normal person. I stopped from the guilt of what I did, but didn’t fully accept how negatively it effected me.

Some time past and I had been sober for a fee weeks, but I noticed my problems where bigger than just alcohol, now that I wasn’t drinking I was pmo far more often. Fueling my mind with pmo, I started to chat to this girl that I used to fantasize about. Her WhatsApp statuses where always revealing, and I let my fantasies linger.

Then the day came when her and I made plans to hand out, I relapsed badly that night, I drank again, got high with her a shagged her in the bathrooms of the pub we were at, even though she had a boyfriend. I let so many people down that day… it was the 6th July this year.

I woke up the next day and realised the feelings of being out of control all to well. I realised I was out of control with alcohol, but even deeper than that, I had a problem with fantizing over girls, and often drank to numb the guilt of the fact that I had no morals and no control when it came to hooking up. I was addicted to sex as well, in fact it might be the root of all addictions, afterall, masturbation was the first addiction I formed.

I stopped pmo and tried to stay clean, and survived for three weeks, but slowly I lost control of my thoughts, and on the 31st of July I watched porn in a binge of pmo. I felt shit… dark sad and lonely.

Luckily I found this app, downloaded it, and started a new journey.

For me, pmo is deadly… if I pmo, I loose self control toward girls, I go out and behave super inappropriately, and can’t seem to deal with social interactions in that way without drinking. After all, when negative fantasies, that kind of fantasy can only be met by a girl found at a bar. And a bar is my kryptonite.

This app has saved my life, taught me so much about addiction, and helped me realise I didn’t love girls, I loved sex and my addiction confused those two things.

Now I’m proud to be rewiring, and look forward to a time in the next year or two where I can be in a healthy relationship with a classy lady.

Today is 52 days hard mode… life has improved incredibly.


Nice to hear you success bro. Keep sharing your journey.

You are a hero in making.

Very inspiring story bro, all best! :smiley: