Only honesty can truly change a person. My Diary

I have never been honest with anyone about my struggles. Probably because I find it rather humiliating. I have gone through years of self hatred and depression because of the choices that I make. In the end I released that I have been victimizing myself. There have been many times where I have blamed God for my faults. Asking Him why He would allow His child to struggle like I do. I would always pass the blame and not take resonsibility for my choices. It is time for me to be honest with others and myself. My sexual impurity started at a young age with what people would call innocent experimentation. I remember in kindergarten I would sneek off to the restroom and experiment with other boys my age. We would touch and look at each other. When I was 7 or 8 I had a friend who I explored my and his body with. We would touch each others bodies and I performed oral sex on him once before. Though I had no idea what I was doing. As I got older I would fantasize about other boys my age while I masturbated. I thought I was gay since I didn’t have much interest in girls my age. As I got into my later teenage years I realized that wasn’t the case. My attraction to boys my age stopped as I got older but I realized that my attraction to boys remained. I also realized that I was attracted to young girls as well. I found this out when I would look through the swimsuit section of magazines and masturbate to the little girls. I didn’t realize till my late teens what a pedophile was and that sex with children and child pornography was illegal. This wan’t a topic really discussed in my surroundings. I didn’t realize that my desires were not normal. I am grateful to say that I have never had sex with a child or ever been sexually inolved in any way. Though I do have a history of child pornography. Though that is thankfully a past history that has been snuffed by paranoia and intense guilt that I would always face. I do struggle though with looking up pictures of children in swimsuits or innocent pictures of naked children who are at the beach or at nudist activities. My excuse is, “These pictures are legal so it is ok”. That is a lie that has been harmful to my soul. In my early 20s I had a 12 year old boy come into my life. This wasn’t a choice of my own. I developed a crush on him and fantasized about having sex with him all the time. By God’s grace alone nothing sexual between us ever happened. He is now a grown man and married. I am now in a position where I am not around children much at all. As I get older I have also lost tolerance towards them and look at them with disdain at times. It does seem like my attraction towards them is weakening. I hope my disdain doesn’t turn to hatred. Maybe I am angry at them that I am attracted to them and can never rightfully have them. Though my desire to lust after them is getting weaker and weaker. I can even look them in the eyes without feeling disgusted with myself. Most of my life I haven’t had friends. I was severely bullied in school and almost lost my life a few times due to the bullying. Because of my lack of friends I have been always prone to having imaginary friends. Many of those imaginary friends came from shows or video games that I played. I have great friends now that I can surround myself with. Maybe healthy adult interactions is why I don’t fantasize about children as much anymore. All my friends are men which I thankfully have no sexual attractions to. I have no women as friends though I am not too sad about right now. I don’t feel much attraction to women but have tried to force myself to be “normal” by watching porn. I can barely ever satisfy myself to porn with women. I hope to look at women in a healthy way someday without shame. Look at them the way God intended. Though I am not attracted towards men for some reason I am attracted towards anthropomorphic animals. I guess that makes me a furry? For some reason my only attraction is towards men when it comes to furry art. I find myself masturbating exclusively to gay furry porn. I am perplexed by this because I know that I am not attracted to human men. Maybe I am sexually attracted to cute things. The men in the furry art that I enjoy aren’t very masculine. I feel rather foolish admitting to all of this. Though it is important to do so. I have realized that this is something that I need to put behind me. I tried to convince myself that looking at furry porn is a good thing. I’m looking at that instead of children so it must be good. I have a desire for intimacy that I want to be filled. It won’t be filled by children and it won’t be filled by anthropomorphic animals. All of that is a lie that in the end leads to despair. Masturbating to someone in a way gives your soul to them. There is only one thing that God said wasn’t good in His creation. He said, “Man should not be alone.” I also like to add, “If he remains alone he will probably become a pervert.” God gave me this desire for intimacy that I have been trying to fill by lies and self intimacy. I know I need to pursue a woman to fill that intimacy. I wonder why I don’t have much sexual desire for women. Maybe it is because I have been masturbating since I was 11 and lusting after non women. I am turning 29 soon. My hope with gaining control over my body and mind is that I can start to heal. Masturbation and lust has been a soul sucking companion of mine for too long. I want to view women and children in a healthy way. My desires for children may never fully go away but I know that I need to master myself. I am glad to see lust for them weakening though. I pray that I can endure the desires that my body will be craving on this new adventure. I pray that God helps me endure even when I don’t think I can. I pray that putting my story out there will help people hold me accountable. Right now this is a story of great shame for me. I know that I don’t need to remain in shame.

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Hey man. Read your post completely. I can understand that as you were being bullied in your school, you can’t make some friends for yourself and you think that you are alone. Never think you are alone because if one man has some people then he is confined to them only. But if one man has no one with him, it does mean the universe is behind him. Whenever you need, it will send the right person.

If you are getting attracted to children, you just think them as your own child or siblings. And the most important thing is attraction is not needed at all to have some girlfriend. First stop masturbating and have some good healthy diet. Then, never approach a girl for the sake of sexual thirst. If you don’t respect the women properly, no women will come into your life. First respect them, love them. Everything will automatically happen. Forget about the sexual things. Because that is not the life. It is just the part of the life.

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Thank you for the comment. I know if I ran to a woman now it would only be for sexual gratification. I know that I need to learn to control myself first.

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You can control yourself man. All you have to do is trust yourself and proceed everything. Sex will not fulfill your life. Explore to some different areas and experience the different things around you. Always remember happiness is better than pleasure. Pleasure is for the body and fake triggers. But happiness is for the soul.

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Day 2.

I am starting the second day. I will admit a few hours before I made this account I did start to masturbate. Though I was interrupted by someone arriving at home. Whenever I am interrupted and can’t finish it always leaves me feeling really angry. This anger remains till I can finally finish. Even if it’s hours later I am still in a bad mood till I can orgasm. Yesterday instead of sitting in anger I decided to go for a walk. These past few weeks I have been exercising consistently. I go on regular walks and also do yoga. During the walk yesterday I realized how ridiculous it is that I have allowed my penis to have such control over me. During that walk I decided that it was time to learn self control. A last ejaculated Tuesday night so this truly is the second day for me. There have been many times where I have gone a day or two with no problem. But it is different this time since it is intentional. I am in a rather gloomy and irritated mood. I’m not really aroused right now which is showing me that a lot of this really is a mental issue. I am dependent on the momentary happiness that masturbation brings. That happiness is fleeting and I need to focus on other things that bring lasting joy. I will give a shorter update tonight on how I am doing.

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Ok bro. Waiting for your update. Remember!
Permanent happiness is better than temporary pleasure

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