Counting days became useless because those digits don’t tell too much about my state.
Instead I can follow the amount of the urges I get. For example I didn’t pmo for some days already but I got no urges yet. I wonder when it may hit.
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Love is just chemicals. So the life is.
1:13 A.M
I feel angry.
For I don’t have friends and people I’m happy with. Moreover I’m not sure if there are possibilities to find such people in the country I live. I don’t want to connect to people.
I feel angry.
For I can’t love anything. I chose not to love anything. Or maybe there’s nothing to love here. In this case I’m angry because I’m still here.
I feel angry.
For I was not good enough to stay with somebody. And that I’m only good enough to cry about it.
I feel angry.
For everyone around is creating dreams and fighting for them. And for I have a dream to end fighting.
This anger is inside me and I can’t burst out by breaking the walls and things in my room at 1:30 p.m.
If I disappear tomorrow I want to say that I was just too angry to live. I have nobody to say this. Just for my diary.
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Anger is good you’ve need to identify why your mad and let it go. Simple in theroy and only as hard as you make it.
I love you but I can’t learn it for you brother
Sleepless nights and absolute certainty that tomorrow will be painful. Almost 3 a.m. still don’t want to sleep.
Well look up Wim Hoff breathing or any type the trick is to slow it down. Think. Do not. React. To your current challenge.
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Monday, May 16 1:11 A.M.
It’s late but I don’t want to sleep because I don’t want to wake up as well. The thing I want to do most is to erase the level and start again like people do in video games. Except in real life it is not possible. The first question that arises is: “Is there anything I want that is possible to do at least for somebody on this planet?”. The other thing I want is to stop thinking and live so I don’t need to think. Thinking hurts. But I don’t think anyone has ever done this. Maybe my brain power is dimmed. I wasted a lot of time and in consequence I have less time left plus I don’t know how not to waste time which means I probably waste my next time left. I’m finishing university after two days. I don’t want to work anywhere even to earn minimal needs for living. In childhood when I played the game I couldn’t finish I was simply deleting it or was starting again. This is what I’d like to do to delete the game.
I regret everything that happened and I hate every posting thing that may happen.
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Hey bro, I couldn’t fully get what you’re going through, it feels sad
You can’t start over anything, but you can start new
How by new actions you get different out comes.
Do something good for yourself tomorrow, and everyday
At least one very small thing for yourself. It will change your life
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I drank two cups of water. I stopped thinking depressive after an hour.
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I think of a girl who is married, pregnant lives far away and whom I’ll never see. I can’t forget her because she’s my first love. The only person on the planet who said that loves me.
“I’ll miss that smile when you leave”
I can’t sleep 
Well focus on all the postive side of it. You have a baseline for what you look for in a woman. So now become the base version of yourself. The rest will fall into place.
Today I’m going to take a piece of sheet (shit) that’s called diploma. I acknowledged my addiction 5 years ago , before I started university. I’ve never thought I can’t beat it during this time.