After having a family, some dreams and goals have to be sacrificed, whatever hierarchy we talk about.
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Feeling a lot of nausea lately. It is getting terribly hard to even move a finger nowadays. All I do is keep viewing wrestling or MMA videos all the time. Sort of the end of a long relationship or any crisis related to it takes a lot of toll on your mental and emotional well being. It completely drains all your passion. Especially if you were looking ahead to marriage and stuff, and were quite close to it.
I can quite feel how a divorce feels like. And when you are the one on the wrong and are guilty of your own conduct. The pain of separation and then the guilt of being a coward, being full of self-hate all the time. Puts you in a terrible state of affairs. You donât want to push anything. Donât want to do anything.
Terrible feeling of self-disgust.
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No matter where you find yourself in the game of life, it ainât game over until you die. As long as you are alive, you can change your condition. Saying is easier than doing but if you want it as much as you want to breath air if youâre drowning underwater, youâll get it.
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I guess things might get better. I donât know but maybe. The problem is that solving one end of the issues disturbs the other. I mean life is a complicated mesh. Trying to navigate through it as much as possible. Let us see how far I can go.
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You will find your Autumn someday, until then let sadness be your power and weapon, you can use it to make a huge leap in your life. Do use it.
See, you always wanted a distraction free life, now you have it. It is hurting because you donât realize that whatever happened is eventually for your own success. It is not your age to be burdened with the hopes and emotions of someone else. In some way, your prayers were answered.
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Naqadr ye aalam ki shikayat nahin Maula
Baaham gul-o-bulbul mein mohabbat nahin Maula
Kuch daftar-e-baatil ki haqiqat nahin Maula
Main kya hun kisi rooh ko raahat nahin Maula
Aalam hai muqaddar, koyi dil saaf nahin hai
Is ahad mein sab kuch hai, par insaaf nahin hai
- Mir Anees
Translation -
This is not for nothing that we complain, O Lord!
There is no love between the bird and the flower, O Lord!
The power of evil is less than yours, O Lord!
It is not just me who feels suffocated by oppression, O Lord!
This world is our destiny, where no pure heart is present
This age has got everything, but justice is absent
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Jo Mein Sar Basajda Huwa Kabhi To Zameen Se Ane Lagi Sada
Tera Dil To Hai Sanam Ashna, Tujhe Kya Mile Ga Namaz Mein
When I laid down my head in prostration a cry arose from the Earth:
Your heart is materialism, what will you gain by praying?
Masterpiece by :- Allama Iqbal
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The heart is the key all along 
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Iqbal is inspiring, and at critical moments of indecision Iqbal pulls you out like nothing else. I remember when I graduated COVID came along and it became very difficult to predict the job market and I lost my IIM admission for some reasons. I was sitting on a tea stall with one of my close friends and telling him about my plan of appearing for SSC CGL. For those not from India, it is an exam for various reputed government jobs. I had almost finished filling up the application form and I guess only the photograph and the fees remained. He asked me, âBrother what do you want to do with your life?â and I said I want to become a Professor. I want to do a PhD. I want to go abroad for studies and I want to stay with my subject i.e. English. He asked me as to why was I then so confused. I answered that coming from a Middle class family I consider it very risky to pursue a degree that has a low chance of employability. And I said that I would keep pursuing M.A. but also prepare for SSC CGL. And then he recited this couplet which has remained etched on my brain ever since-
Aye taaer-e-lahooti us rizq se maut achi
Jis rizq se aati hai parwaz mein kotahi
Translation -
O High flying bird, better than that food is death
The food which causes you to lower your flight
I never filled that SSC form and went on to pursue my MA with full fledged dedication. Years later, when I look back I believe this one couplet brought me my MA GOLD MEDAL, my first job as an Assistant Professor in a leading Private university, my PhD fellowship, my Global Scholar award, my tenure as the Secretary of Indiaâs oldest literary society, the Raleigh Literary Society, and the position as the founding member of Indiaâs first Digital humanities organisation.
So yeah, Iqbal at critical moments hits very differently and can move you to your core.
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Nothing, just me, trying to ride the urges this month. My condition features at 0:23.
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Had you ever got chance to read Shikwa Jawabe Shikwa by Allama Iqbal.
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I remember entire stanzas from the poem.
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Ghazal by Jaun Elia
Khamoshi kah rahi hai kaan mein kya
Aa raha hai mere gumaan mein kya
Ab to koyi mujhe tokta bhi nahin
Yahi hota hai khaandaan mein kya
Wo mile to ye puchna hai humein
Ab bhi hun main teri amaan mein kya
Yun jo takta hai aasmaan ko tu
Koyi rahta hai aasmaan mein kya
Ye mujhe chayn kyun nahin padta
Ek hi shakhs tha jahaan mein kya
Apni mahroomiyan chupate hain
Hum gharibo.n ki aan baan mein kya
Bolte kyun nahin mere haq mein
Aable pad gaye zabaan mein kya
Umr guzregi imtihaan mein kya
Dagh hi denge mujhko daan mein kya
- Jaun Elia
Translation -
What is silence saying into my ears?
What is it that I am thinking?
Nobody scolds me on my wrong deeds
Is this how a family works?
If I find her, I wish to ask
Am I still someone to you?
The way that you look at the sky
Does someone live in those skies?
Why is it so hard to calm myself!
Was there just one person in the whole world?
We merely hide our own poverty
What honour can a poor achieve?
Why donât you speak for my rights?
Is your tongue blistered that you donât speak?
Will my whole life pass in trials?
Will life give me only scars in return?
- Translated by Nerbo
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Be-dili kya yuhi din guzar jayenge
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Sirf zinda rahe hum to mar jayenge.
Kya sitam hai ki asrar-e-hasti se hum
Bekhabar aaye the, bekhabar jayenge
Kitni dilkash ho tum, kitna diljuu.n hun main
Kya sitam hai ki hum log mar jayenge
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Tasks to be accomplished tomorrow -
Wake up at 5.30
Pray
Quran recitation (5 verses)
Jogging and Chest exercise basic
Bath and Laundry
Protein Breakfast (5 eggs and 1 litre milk)
Ireland Fellowship Hunt
Go to Library
Go to Department for sign and class
Go to the Controller for fellowship enquiry
Go to Siddharth Sir
Go to Abdullahâs house for UK shortlist
Pray (Day and Evening Prayers)
Back to Hostel and Sleep
P.S. Maan 1 litre of milk is literally a lot. I had it and felt like I would vomit straight away. But somehow digested it all. Also like Protein breakfast even if a little heavy will not be hard to digest as you begin to move. It gets quickly used up in the beginning hours of the day especially if you do further physical work like cycling to the University like I do.
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Tasks to be accomplished tomorrow -
Wake up at 5.30
Pray
Quran recitation (5 verses)
Jogging and Abs exercise basic
Bath and Laundry
Protein Breakfast (5 eggs and 1 litre milk)
Ireland Fellowship Hunt
Go to Library
Go to Department for sign and class
Go to the Controller for fellowship enquiry
Go to Abdullahâs house for UK shortlist
Pray (Day and Evening Prayers)
Back to Hostel and Sleep
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Hope you complete these!
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Thanks Man. I believe I will. Yesterday I slept quite late. I am thankfully on time today and also very tired to even think on things.
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Thats the actual hustle everyone needs.
Go do it brother!
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