Just a heads up, we’re going into stuff that is pretty taboo because that’s where I went towards in my porn rabbit hole. Also another thing I kind of want to say, I’m not proud about this stuff & I don’t want you to change perspective about me. I want to heal and I need to confess.
I’m not going to sugar coat this, I started down the rabbit hole of a Gender Swapping fetish back when I was 14. At first it was “innocent” with reading Rule 63 comic, but then it turned into captions, then into gender swapping comics, then it kept getting deeper and deeper.
Eventually it reaches to a point where it was so deep that I could see other rabbit holes, they all led towards escalation of masturbation and femboys. Originally I looked at the feminine males as someone mid transformation or something like that. But eventually I didn’t care anymore and I just accepted it because it’s what “aroused” me.
Rounding back to the masturbation part, at the start of my abstaining journey I was so desperate for some sort of dopamine hit that I dug a little deep back to when I discovered nipple & prostate stimulation. the first time I tried it before my journey I didn’t feel anything and just thought it was weird (boy I wish I kept that mind set). But when I gave it another shot when I was craving a hit I got hooked, it was something easy to do + I kept doing to get the “Super O” I kept reading about. Since it was new to me, I could put myself in the scene as the “receiver” , and since I never achieved that “O” I never got tired of it.
Well sometime later I did. That was almost a year ago, I’ve been trying to have the guts to discuss about this stuff for sometime now. The part that sucks about trying to remove this in your life is that if you look up how to stop your results will only give you the opposite. It almost seems like Google is trying to brainwash more guys. I haven’t done this stuff since the beginning of my last streak and hopefully soon the stuff that I was striving to stimulate will desensitize and I can normally masturbate without the urge of escalation. However this may all change with I do my 90 days. For now I’m avoiding it all together. 17 down 73 more to go (about 2 & 1/2 months).