Porn, for me, started at age 11. My first experience was an accident. I was watching movies at my grandma’s house one day and somehow one of the “grown-ups” movies ended up with the kids movies. Naturally, 11-year-old me, being a pretty sheltered child, became excited at the thought of watching an R-rated movie. I was alone in the house that day so I popped it in. It just so happened that this movie featured a very short sex scene and although it was brief, it was enough. As soon as I saw it I became extremely curious and this is where it all began.
After that day, I began seeking out other sources of similar media. At this point it was more of a curiosuty and the addiction had not yet taken hold. Being raised in a Christian home and school, I was never educated on sex; I was simply told that it was bad and sinful until after marriage. Unfortunately, this seems to happen a lot to kids raised in the Christian faith.
Later that year, my family went through some hard times. I lost some realitives who were very close to me at a very vulnerable age. This was difficult for me as it forced me to face a reality that I had never had to face. We all die.
My faith, again, began to play a role here. I always had a very logical and scientific mind that didn’t always mesh well with the beliefs and ideologies that I was being taught. For instance, I was raised to believe in life after death but there was no physical or tangible proof to help me believe.
(Truly understanding the concept of faith is a lot to ask of a 12 year old).
Anyway, this is where the real problems started. I was now faced with this new horrific struggle of knowing I was going to die and fighting this constant internal battle of trying to decide what might come after…
Things got bad. I started having very bad night terrors and eventually I just stopped sleeping altogether for fear of of those night terrors. It was then that I made a discovery. If I woke at night in the middle of a panic attack, there was a quick and easy way to calm myself down. Masturbate.
After that, I was hooked. I started doing it every night and if I didn’t; the night terrors would return. It became a crutch and it snowballed from there. As I grew and faced more and more different challenging and unpleasant struggles, I began dealing with them all the same way. Eventually, pornography got thrown into the mix and there you have it.
Fast forward 14 years and here I am. Grown enough now to realize that using a source of immediate gratification like masturbation to cope with life’s problems is not a real solution. And I do it anyway because I’m hooked.
HOWEVER… I found this app and a lot of other resources yesterday and I am both hopeful and optimistic that this will provide me with the recources I need to turn myself around and put an end to this crippling habbit.
So that is my story, I’ve never told it to anyone before. Sorry that it is so long but I think putting it out there will help me! If anyone has any tips, thoughts, or comments, I would love to hear/discuss! Thank You!