For me Porn was always a bit different I guess. When I had nighttalks with my friends I got to known they were more into the typical hardcore Classic P stuff like the start site vids on PH. Wherever I…was more curious in categorys that were either boring or unique. It’s because for me P was always there to fulfill me with joy and/or with dream like scenarios I could never have. The more and more it got into a addiction, and the regret slowly passes till it was only fun and relief to do, it was getting a little weird with my interests overall. First difference to the “main” public that watch Porn was that, I was for example only interested in POV porn. If you could see a whole man or hear the voice even it was unenjoyable for me. Next thing is high interest in SFM Porn and Hentai. SFM was always okay for me because you had mostly no face of a man and no sound of them too. I also got into JOI(but not filthy stuff) and like VR Chat stuff. And what I noticed is that for me what always was in focus was just the girl alone. A girl alone and it’s good for me. And the last few years I already quit rl Sex porn all together except for SFM stuff. If I would watch real porn it would only be Solos or so. Undressing etc. And what I lately developed was a questionable routine…so I was searching for some type of Clip, Vid, Person I would always find again. And then I started to romantice that Person and Character. I got into Webcam shows, and was “searching” lovers. So what I mean with routine is that there was always for a certain time a choosen Rl Person(Streamer, Pornstar) or a choosen SFM vid of a Character I set a liking on. And whenever I was watching stuff I like I would always finish it with my current fav vid/stream/character. Even If I had no more lust I was always finishing it and all this got so bad I had some type of delusional thoughts it’s like I had some type of connection with that Person like it were some type of Partner- there were then thoughts like if I wouldn’t “finish” it on her I would betray her. I would litterly feel bad and unfulfilled. If I saw a great vid and then saw on any profile or vid that she has a Boyfriend/Husband that was a trigger factor for me and I just wouldn’t watch that person anymore. So as you see I have any kind of problem with other Males. Or another example is I was always looking into more amateur, self recorded videos than over highly professional things, and also always only at night so I have the feeling of being alone with “her”…but damn. All that gives me the idea that I consistently try to really make P as I wish to, a comforting lonely joy session. (more of that below*)But so when I try to do no-fap and for example make a little wrong turn and peaked some stuff, that would mean for me I wouldn’t only do it once. I would do it so often as I have to. Meaning: I have to claim my fav person’s too into that fap session This sounds actually sick and very delusional I know. But that’s how I perceive Porn and Masturbation. This drug litterly made me to romantice it so bad I crack my head over it.
(*) I guess what I was always looking for was just Aesthetics, Romance and Dream like roleplays. I think you could say I tried to “date” them and try making out with them. I just took it very meaningful and deep for me, that’s why I formed it so immersive, but this got into a wrong way. I mean PMO altogether is absolutely wrong but it got me. Bad.
Whatever it might be…I just wanted to share this thoughts and false way of thinking and loving. I would like to know what people think about my story and if you can result anything out of it. hopefully this will finally end with a SERIOUS. no-fap try.