My Permaculturalist Diary

Journal
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I hit 40 days. I feel like doing more work. Maybe blocking my cellphone and using pluckeye at the PC is the cause for that. My longest streak was 90 days 2 years ago. I don’t know what changed (or what did not) that I just kept doing it.

Now I feel like doing a hundred new things, but this I see this as a side effect; an escape. I need to focus on work and studying. If my routine is boring, it’s because my brain wants its fix. I’m still resetting.

Everyday is a brand new day. I’m calm and relaxed at morning. I don’t feel the need to relapse. By night I’ll be a wreck and won’t be able to function, daydreaming like crazy and considering relapsing. I’ll try to make the day worth it before going to bed. That’s my reward.

CC: nhfe0j

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Right now I’m trying to 1) follow a schedule, 2) work out and 3) study smarter. But I’m afraid I’ll suddenly stop doing it like I did a few months ago. Yet, I’m still really motivated and confident after finding this app and a scheduling app.

I am not in the same place I was a few months ago when I had no habits at all. In that situation I just stopped caring about mind and body. Nowadays I have some some habits like 1) cleaning my room once or twice a week (wed+sun), 2) taking breaks twice a week (wed+sat nights), 3) having a little more structured studying routine and 4) I go to the supermarket once a month… Oh, and longer days during summer make me wake up earlier than ever.

So I’ve created some habits, and I really hope it helps me on making other healthy things into habits!

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Good luck to you! I hope to achieve your dream dude :blush::heart:

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Dec 8:
SCHEDULE: Hard day. Why? Many thoughts I guess. I’ve been following a daily schedule and I’m doing 80% fine on that. It’s better than the 0 or 40% I was getting before. Improving my concentration is going to make my routines even better.

HABITS:
I’m also trying to be accountable in all sorts of habits: from working out to flossing daily. I really hope I don’t get overwhelmed by all the things I’m “forcing” myself to do. It’s not like I’m doing impossible things… but it can still feel like I’m trying to live 30 hours in a day. I have to be cautious about that. Consistency and time management are key to help me be a better person everyday from now on.

CONCLUSION:
So, holding a schedule with good habits is really big for me because I do so much more than before. Not only I’m almost 50 days PMO free, and I’m already trying to lead a better and happier life.

I must keep on track somehow. And for that I need to know exactly what is important and what’s not among the things I (1) want, (2) feel like I need and (3) have. Life and my precious brain will find a way.

Dec 9: BREAK NIGHT: Wednesday nights are my times off. For 4 hours I unlock websites to watch videos and listen to music. Gladly, I completed my all tasks before 6pm. It was an ok day. I’m starting to use a “mood calender” that I’m sure will help me a lot. I’ll focus on fixing bad mood patterns throughout the week.

FAMILY TRIP: trips always set me off. I come back really lazy. I’ll have to be extra cautious and responsible and wait for my wednesday break to vent off. It’s the first trip I’ll pay for myself and even for others as a gift and out of kindness. I’ll do the shopping and my family will probably be proud of me. It must be when I tell them I’m moving out. I’m expecting some pissed and annoyed faces, but I have to go through with this.

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Dec 20:

UPDATE: since the family trip I haven’t updated this diary, but things are going okay. I’m supposed to write here every saturday/wednesday. Today I unlocked my cellphone to facetime with family members amd decided to write again. It’s fine if I forget since I’m journaling everyday.

I’m on day 53 and the past 2 days I’ve had considerable urges because of sexy thoughts and this insane heat.

HABITS: I’ve been keeping habits constantly. Flossing, studying more systematically, tidying my room everyday, etc. More recently I’ve decided to wake up really early 3 times a week because it’s so great how early I finish my schedule. Days after night breaks I can wake up a little later if I want. I’m also reading 15 pages a day. Because of that I’ve finished the 3rd book this year even if I haven’t read much since 2017 because of work/school.

Life is great because of my privileges and habits.

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Dec 23: I don’t have much time to browse here, but I hope you guys are doing great! I only log on Wednesdays and Saturdays. Like every habit, if I’m not sticking to it, there’s something wrong with me.

I’m at day 56 and I’ve been having some weird urges this past week. It’s impossible not to say I’m feeling different. Yet, I can’t sum up in words what’s the impact of PMO in my life. But I can say that building healthy habits and staying away from PMO has made me feel better than I’ve felt in a long time.

I guess all the effort to fix my life is really worth it. I’ve been studying more and my decision-making is better because I’m more patient and actually understand my thoughts. I’ve always felt like I was f-ing up in social relations and life because of my poor decisions and not being able to foreshadow. There are still some new situations I’ve trouble comprehending what it will mean for me in the future (like one of my bosses leaving for personal reasons), but I believe I can fight this anxiety.

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I’m at the 60 day mark! The past 4 days were a little hardcore, but I’m surprisingly still managing it well. My study routine is really intense and holidays didn’t make them any easier. Basically, my days sum up to: waking up early, scheduling, studying and reading.

WAKING UP EARLY: waking up from 5am to 7am makes me finish all my daily schedule before 12pm. This is great and I need to learn how to use the rest of the day responsibly.

STUDIES: I feel like I’m slowly advancing compared to my peers. I need to make this more intense since I’m reviewing faster than ever. I’m still bored to take quizzes, but I’m managing.

READING: I’ve been reading Seneca’s letters and a book about social anxiety (How To Be Yourself). Both are really good.

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I’m really happy to see you’re succeeding. Keep going, live your life!

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Thanks. Will do. Wish you the same.

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So… last update was Sunday. I’ve been home and doing great. Compared to when I go out, my mood goes to s***, but I’m trying to fix that.

The past week I’ve decided to finally tackle my social anxiety. Ever since my agoraphobia settled down, I didn’t look any harder into mental health treatments, but now I decided to be more mindful about this. The book “How to Be Yourself” has been helping a lot, but I’m not practicing all the methods yet. Even though, I feel like it’s making a difference.

Another new thing going on for me is that I’ve turned on my tablet for the first time in 10 months. So, it’s been almost a year since I threw the charger away because I was really mad at the number of devices and time sinks I had around me. Coincidentally, it had books on social anxiety and radical psychology I was intending to read – it comes full circle. It also had P sites open on tabs. The kinky stuff I was looking for back then really made me laugh. Then I installed AppLock as quick as I could.

I can’t stress this enough, but the reason I’m finally doing the things I wanted to do as a 2020 resolution is because of habits, blockers and abstinence. Indeed, my routine is going steady. I wake up 5am 4 out of 7 days of the week and complete my schedule before noon. Maybe it helps me build more resolve. My family members (1 aunt) is probably finding this interesting as f***. The depressed introverted boy is now very determined to achieve… someting… I don’t tell most people about what I want to achieve.

This year-end I’m imagining how lucky I am to stay productive while my friends and family are travelling or planning reunions. Really, I’ve done and learned so much and I’m glad I’m home doing all this.

This year is also the one I break the tradition of playing videogames (MMOs) during the holidays. I even tried to play my favorite MMO of all time, but something inside me just couldn’t take the stress of wanting to follow my schedule and get this character to a sweet level with godly equips to own mobs. While I was downloading it I thought: “Well, I guess I’ll f*** up my schedule for a while”. It was a given and I had accepted it. But when I started grinding for an hour or so, seeing so many people levelling like crazy to git gud, it made me feel like we were all running from something, playing roles, and not enjoying what we were supposed to. It kept us from more important things, like socializing and integrating into a community. All this in order to feel good with a sick char with a cool outfit. Without the community aspect of the game I just felt like unninstalling and getting down to earth. Future me is thankful for this.

This was long, but necessary since a lot is happening in this year-end, so thanks for this community and I wish you the best of luck. Here’s a quote from Seneca: “Here is another saying of Epicurus: ‘If you shape your life according to nature, you will never be poor; if according to people’s opinions, you will never be rich.’”

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Since Wednesday I’ve kept studying. The last 2 days were kinda intense since I’m rushing with some subjects… I need a break to control everything I’m learning by taking quizzes and fixing things that needs to be fixed. This way I’ll feel more capable. I’ll have to compromise, since there’s a new subject I could start.

I can move out whenever I want (or when I find a place) since my roomates will cover the costs when I leave. This is both good and worrying news for me. Moving out alone can be time and money consuming (both of which I’m trying to save). I believe I have to think of this as a hard process through which I’ll grow as a person.

I’m gonna need a lot of positive thinking in the next few weeks.

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Okay. The days are really hot and sunny, and lot has happaned since last Saturday. First, I’ve contacted some landlords about visiting property next week. I also need to talk to my advisor, but he’s on vacations, I guess. Monday will be a packed day since I’ll use it for visiting and maybe look for driving lessons. Maybe I’ll also go to the supermarket, since I didn’t go this month yet (I go once a month).

So, you can see there’s a lot I need to do outside my cozy home, and maybe it’s a lot to do in one day. Thing is I really need my diploma and I need a driver’s licence by mid-2021 for a civil servant position I’ve been studying really hard.

Besides all that, even if everything fails and I don’t get a job, I’ll grow as a person. Moving out is really stressful for me, especially when there’s not much need, but it will help me grow aswell.

The next week will be as intense as the past one. I’ve been studying in antecipation and things are getting more intense as the syllabus is getting more defined. It’s really a lot and maybe I’ll have to drop a few things like reading 15 pages a day and breaks. I also may need to get less sleep. Even though I’m waking up around 5:30 am everyday (and that’s surprising) I still feel l can do a little bit more.

My breaks are shorter because I’ve been automating a lot of stuff, and I might be able to lock the internet again after 1.5 hours / 4 hours of break available. In fact, I still need to work out and clean my room. I’ll totally do that. Maybe I’ll even study a little bit more, even though I shouldn’t/don’t need it.

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I need to do my best everyday. This is what I have to say.

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Last weekend I left a short post because I was not home. Leaving the house messes with me so much. I have a lot of catching up to do in terms of journaling and working out.

I’ve been following the paretto rule too seriously, so I basically did one thing this week: study new things and review. No waking up early, no quizzes, nor my usual schedule (which I should change).

Another thing I’ve been doing is contacting advisors and driving schools. This week I’ve spent half my monthly salary on rent, gifts for my nieces and papers to start driving lessons. So, the week feels unproductive, but I’ve actually done a lot.

Becoming agressive in order to achieve my goals, little by little, is something I’m learning reading this book called “The obstacle is the way”. Social anxiety can stop me from achieving a lot, but doing small things like sending an e-mail can be so gratifying. I want to learn how to be persistent and push towards my goals. Not even setbacks should stop me. I’ve been like that for a while now, but REALLY pushing even without much passion is different from anything I’ve done so far.

Today I took a 2 hour Wednesday break (usually I take 4, but I had to clean my room). Something I’ll try to do until Sunday is start investing my money. Also, I’ll practice some things I’ve learned with the “How to be Yourself” book and invite a friend out. Hopefully it won’t mess with my schedule or drain me that much.

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I’m getting back on track. I’m ending my Saturday break 1h30min earlier. I’m going after the things I need and want, without destroying myself. I won’t stop because of social anxiety and obstacles like giving a simple phone call or writing a paper. I’ll run, swim, write and study. I don’t care. I just will.

10 days from now I’ll reach the 90 day mark. Can’t wait for the 100 and the 365 milestones. I’ll try to enjoy each day.

I’m back at journaling and learning another language. Let’s see how that works out. I might have more things to do now, but I also have more discipline. Reading 15 pages a day is going smooth and I’ll finish my second book this year in 2 days. I wonder what another amazing book I’ll start reading, but I know I have like 11 books in the queue.

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It’s getting really hard to follow suit. Weeks are getting busier and I’m considering hooking up with an escort. Even though I would do it in my birthday in October or when I graduate, it gives me some kind of weird power and peace just knowing I have this option to control urges.

I haven’t been as productive or consistent in my habits. I believe this is because I’ve been breaking under the stress. I also believe i’m exposed to too much stimuli.

I’ll try to fix it this week.

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I’ve been getting better. I’m relying too much on coffee to get me through the days. Still looking at escorts and too distracted, but I’ve reached 90 days with no MO.

I’ve been testing a 20 minute work 10 minute reading pomodoro and it looks fine.

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Days are unbearably hot, I can’t handle all the projects I have, I have a deadline and I have no self-control. So I’ve decided to start a 3 day fast.

Water fasting for days is something I’ve never done, but I believe maybe it’ll be worth it. Right now I’m smelling the neighbor’s cooking, and it’s just a hint of how hard this is going to be.

I’m approaching 100 days of NF! I hope fasting will add to my success…

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Hi! Guess who’s back after 7 months. On the 100 day mark I relapsed… and I didn’t stop masturbating since then. I saw a total of zero escorts, didn’t graduate yet, didn’t get my license… but I did move out!

It was getting unbearable living with my Christian aunt (I’m the opposite of her). Moving out was kinda like an impulse, but really thought out. More on that later.

I’m almost getting my diploma and driver’s license, but something has set me back. I lost all the original files of my thesis when upgrading my operational system. I’m kinda pissed, but I have to use what I have in bad backups. This is a lesson for me.

I’ve read my past posts and it was a trip. It took me long enough to move out. I believe I’ve put my life on hold because of the civil service exam, putting a lot of stress over me and relapsing ever since.

It’s really quiet in this new home. I feel extremely privileged and spoiled for wanting to move out. “Why exactly do I need all this space and being close to work?”. I’ll make the best of it.

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