Adioz Confession
If I look back at my journey with pornography, I realize that it did not start recently. It began many years ago, perhaps when I was in 10th grade or even earlier, at a time when I was too young to fully understand what I was being exposed to.
My first exposure was through a nude magazine that I found lying on the road. I remember thinking that someone had probably thrown it away out of fear of being caught with it. At that age, curiosity took over. I did not understand how something that seemed like a moment of curiosity could slowly become a habit that would follow me for years.
As time passed, the source of that exposure changed with technology. From magazines, it moved to CDs, and later to images stored on mobile phones. Each new form of access made the habit easier to continue.
The biggest turning point came when I entered college and got my own personal mobile phone. For the first time, I had complete privacy and unlimited freedom to search and watch whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. There was no one monitoring me, no restrictions, and no barriers between my curiosity and the endless content available online.
What started as occasional curiosity gradually became a pattern that remained with me for a large part of my life. Looking back now, I can see how the habit evolved step by step—from a random discovery in childhood to something that became deeply connected with my emotions, stress, loneliness, and the way I tried to escape from difficult situations.
I am not writing this to make excuses for my choices. I am writing it because understanding where the journey started helps me understand why this struggle has been so long and complicated.
I have been trying to quit pornography and masturbation since 2019 here in forum. It has been almost 7 years of fighting the same battle. I tried countless challenges and streaks. Sometimes I made progress, sometimes I relapsed. Many times I became angry, left this platform, created new accounts, and came back again. Now I am here with my original account.
Over these years, I have seen many people recover and rewire their lives. I learned their strategies and methods. But the truth is that staying consistent, disciplined, and focused requires tremendous effort, especially when you are feeling hopeless and believe nothing will change.
I am still struggling. I keep returning to â– â– â– â– and masturbation. After the death of my wife, my life changed completely. I developed severe sleeping problems, and unfortunately, pornography became one of my ways of coping with the loneliness, pain, and sleepless nights.
The hardest part is that even after masturbating multiple times, I sometimes remain awake throughout the entire night. I spend most of my time alone in one room, unable to control my stress and thoughts. My mind keeps overthinking endlessly. My head feels heavy, I get headaches and dizziness, my energy feels completely drained, and I feel frustrated and less confident.
There were moments when my suffering became so intense that I thought it would be better not to live on this earth anymore. That was the point where I finally decided to seek professional help and visited a psychiatrist.
I explained everything—the insomnia, constant stress, memory problems, overwhelming thoughts, fear-like sensations, body shivering, increased heartbeat, sweating even in a well-ventilated room, and the feeling that my mind was carrying more than it could handle.
My wife’s death broke inside me. Some days I feel like nothing can bring me back to the person I was before. I still struggle to believe I can overcome all of this.
Right now, it feels like nothing in my life is going well. Every part of my life feels shattered. I have already lost the person who was my world, and since then I feel emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially broken.
The pain is not limited to losing my relationship—it has changed the way I see myself and the world around me. Even my faith and spiritual beliefs, which once gave me strength and hope, have been shaken. There are days when I question everything and feel like I have lost my connection with the things that once kept me going.
I have developed a fear of interacting with people. Sometimes, even having a normal conversation with someone feels difficult. I hesitate to make eye contact because deep inside I carry a feeling of shame, sadness, and a burden that is hard to explain.
All of this is connected to my reality—I am a widower. It is a word that changed my entire identity and life overnight. The person who once had dreams, plans, and a future with his partner is now learning how to wake up every day with an absence that cannot be filled.
People often see my struggles with pornography, loneliness, or lack of motivation on the surface, but they do not always see the grief, emptiness, and emotional exhaustion that exist underneath.
I am not sharing this to seek sympathy. I am sharing it because this is my reality. I am fighting battles that many people cannot see. Some days I lose, some days I survive, but despite everything that has happened, I am still trying to continue.
But one thing remains inside me: the desire to help others. Maybe I cannot completely save myself today, but if my words, my experiences, or my support can help someone else who is fighting a similar battle, then my pain will have some meaning.
I am still fighting. I am still here.
Even taher knows me from beginning neveragaintw was my best buddy before Since when he bacame moderator. amadeus was also moderator that time. Forerunner is always helping me all the time. I read Bashi’s Journal which helped me alot. Even kazim.09 participated in my one of the challenge (Btw here are many companions whose name I am not writing here just because of my memory issue I apologize)
I missed many things about the addiction caused us some of things which is written in my friend @rewire_user 's post
[đź”´ Read this and Save your Life]