I first want to say that I’ve very much new here, I’ve actually read tons of inspiring accomplishments from other people that it really motivated me to finally making an account.
So my Confession is:
I started watching porn when I was 12, and it was on a iPod Touch that I’ve got for my birthday. I did get caught once by my brother, but I never stopped looking at porn when I was told to never do it again.
I’ve always kept it a secret, but looking back at it now I do regret that very much. In my childhood and young teenage years, I was growing up with porn and I feel that really stunted my academics in middle school and made me behave very shy and nervously around girls who I had a crushes on.
The thing is, because I’ve been watching a lot of porn up to that point, I would think of fucked up stuff. And I never developed that true friendship with a girl because I didn’t know how, it’s like I see a girl and my thoughts would be sexual.
The following semester of middle school, I’ve met this really pretty girl, her name was Savanna and in many ways we became friends, we talked a lot about common interests. At that time I would hang around with my other “friends” but they would bully me by spreading false rumors to start crap and force a fist fight between me and another dude. I would never engage in those fights and would always attempt to de-escalate. And crazy enough she would stand up for me.
We were getting more connected with each other, and by the end of the school year Savanna tells me she loved me. I didn’t know what to say since I never dealt with loving a girl before, or how do you deal with a girlfriend? Questions like that were on my mind alot. The saddest part is I ignored all of her callings. She clearly wanted to be with me but my fucked up mind was so used to watching porn that I simply didn’t know how to form a bond with someone, especially when she tells you, “I love you”.
To flip the script for a bit, that same year, I would attend half general education and half special education. At that time it took me a long time to soak up lecture information because my brain would process information differently. Since I took special education class I’ve been friends with this other girl since last semester, she was the nicest girl in the school and she was goofy in her own way. She would have half-half general and special education as well, same exact classes as I did. We’ve been friends for almost a year and our understanding of each other was relatable. Even then, my stupid perverted brain at that time would always be sexual to the point I started touching her at unwanted places. Not only did I break her trust as a friend, I made her feel uncomfortable and I’m ashamed that I did those actions.
I wish I can see her again so I can say I’m sorry for what I’ve done.
Looking back now I’m disgusted with myself.
I can’t get over it. What should I do? She was a good friend but I did things she didn’t like.
That moment of my young version of myself would spread like roots into my highschool life. I get nervous around girls who ask me if I have a girlfriend or when a girl wants to talk for a long period of time. I’ve made a promise keep my hands to myself and I stayed with that commitment.
My porn addiction got more frequent and I continued to isolate myself from talking to anyone during high-school. I clearly had a problem and those years where the most depressing times for me.
I’ve made efforts to speak to a high-school therapy, and that helped quite a bit. I was entering the phase of self-improvement and stopping bad life choices from reoccurring or occurring in my life. Breaking apart one bad habit at a time.
This moment will be a partial recovery and the most amount of growth of good habits.
Fast forward after I graduated high school I’ve cleared 70% of my pervertedness from my brain. However I do masterbate still, but not as much as before, but I still do and I want to stop completely.
I’m working on my well-being and rewiring bad habits into good habits. I’m 20 years old and I made a commitment to stop the 8 years of porn and masterbation. It’s a unhealthy distraction to the mind and dirty’s the soul.
To conclude this Confession, I’ve learned to reflect critical moments of my life, and I recognize my wrong doings. My childhood was very perverted and growing up on porn had done damage to the circuitry wiring of my brain. Instead of learning new connections on socializing with other human beings, I was creating connections on sexual act and imagery.
If you feel your at this point like I was, don’t ignore it, try to resolve it with others helping because will power alone may not be enough to get through.
