Last night I failed l. I failed because I was bored and triggered. I knew it was wrong when I was doing it. Yet I did it. I knew I would be forgiven, but I knew that was the wrong way to view it. I know I am forgiven, but i still pray I am forgiven.
Does anyone else feel like this?
I am done. I have said those words time and time again. I do the thing I hate. And i hate myself while doing it. Is it fun? Sure. But its hollow and empty. I need to stay strong. We need to stay strong.
Its not just avoiding our triggers we hlneed to get them out of our life with a sledgehammer. We need to turn to God. We all have a trigger. And if we can recognize that we can avoid it. But know that once we start seeing and avoiding it the enemy will start coming at us harder.
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Its a times like this I think of a song. The House of the Rising Sun. So often I feel like its an athem of my life. I want to beg people dont go down this path you lose something you will never get back.
Your value is so much more than cheap “love”. And once you cross that line you can never go back fully. And more often than not leaving os one of the hardest things in the world. My encouragement is to love others in a way they dont go down that path. And warn them.
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As i hit my 3 o clock wall. My mind drifts and i have trouble. I know and think its a side effect of years of addiction. Jezabell steals pur seed, energy, attention and love.
J Beasley as I like to call it. PaM → Pam Beasley. Anyways i digress. She stole my life, well technically ingave it away.
I am reminded that i need to stay awake and get my life back. We can claim this war
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Good morning.
Ladt night was a good night, and this morning was good. I am going to start getting back to cold showers and exercises.
But i still think about what I read last night. In the book Ordinary Saints. There are two chapters one on Lovemaking and one on ■■■■. These two things together put the war in my mind. Love was and is giving your self away. The act of exposing ones self. J Beasley perverts this. Turns caring about someone else into caring about your self. Yeah J Beasley is easy but not worth it. You get nothing. No love in return just anxiety and emptyness.
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Morning. I need to stick with this. The road is long and hard. I find i do well then i get comfortable. We can not get comfortable when it comes to the war. Our enemy comes to us while we sleep. We must stay in constant patrol.
I get so tired stayin viligant. But it beats the alternative. Stay strong the war will last a life time, dont give in to defeat. Remember what was read in proverbs today. That woman may be as sweet as honey now. But she is wormwood on the stomach.
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5 down. I think this might be a changing season. I got rod of Dating apps and social media my thoughts are getting better. I do t want to be proud, this is a goft feom God. He is keeping me strong. I pray I keep the fight going.
ODD THOUGHT ALERT
Just now I was thinking that if I break free. When I break free. Will the “enemy” just become white noise. Almost disenfranchised with the concepts of love, lust, women, sex. Will I see people doing XYZ and only see them trying to get me to fall? I am hitting a point where I see people doing something and all I can think of is they are trying to get something. IDK maybe just my dark mind
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