MatthewC's Pilgrimage

March 27
Free: 1 day

I’m following Jesus but PMO is holding me back. Hoping to find mutual encouragement here.



Today I will learn a lesson from my dog and be content with what I have, attentive to the voice and commands of my master, grateful for his attention and what he provides for me, not worried about yesterday or tomorrow, and satisfied to lay on the floor by his feet until he has need of me. I can be at peace today no matter what happens because he is near.


March 27
Free: 5 hrs.

Yesterday and last night I had problems with PMO and wasted a lot of valuable time. Getting back on track today. Spent some time this morning learning to block sites on my phone and computer. I am looking forward today to getting a lot done and finding some time to do things I like, such as reading.


New start brother, keep going :muscle: :pray:


You might want to consider finding a relevant book and strategy and plan and accountability. You might already be doing some of that but overcoming this addiction is no walk in the park, it requires most of all an absolute commitment which I have sorely lacked.
I’d recommend easypeasy way which is a free resource online, just google it and you’ll find it. That might help you get started. Mark Queppet on youtube has some excellent videos and his metascript method for journalling can be very effective. Again you might think “blah blah I already know about these resources” but just my suggestion anyway… I can’t offer much of an example, some others on here have achieved significant success in abstaining but those resources have at least helped me.


@Forerunner and @Rebooter81 thank you both. I had not heard of those resources I will check them out.

I’m really stumbling a lot these days. Been leaning hard on a couple of brothers to help keep me on track. It feels kind of humiliating to tell them I fell again, so often, though. Often hard to feel forgiven by Jesus as well, but then I think about the people in his day who did bad things and he forgave them, like Peter who denied him and the woman who did adultery and he didn’t condemn her. It’s just hard with PMO though because it seems like something that’s not just once and done ,it’s an ongoing thing and it feels insincere to ask forgiveness and then do it again days or even just hours later.


Apr. 2
Free: 3 hrs.

@Rebooter81 I started reading through the free online EasyPeasy book, thank you for recommending it.

Brothers I have had a terrible run these past couple of days. I took down the anti-P firewalls I had set up on my phone and looked at a lot of extreme P, sexted with strangers, and was really rough and aggressive with M for a long time so my body is sore, That’s kind of scary. I got frustrated things weren’t working out for an O and tried to set up in-person meetups in my town with other guys on a hookup site without success. I found an erotic masseuse who is exactly the kind of guy I fantasize about and was completely overwhelmed with temptation and texted him to book a massage, etc. Which is insane and would lead me down a road leading nowhere good for my life.

Fortunately one of my bros noticed something was up and I confessed and he was really understanding and I was embarrassed and deleted the text thread and blocked that guy’s number right then. So that was the only thing I really did right in the past three days or so. But it’s a start. At least I tried to fight back.

I feel totally appalled and humiliated at what I’ve done.

I wanted to share with you guys for accountability and to tell you that I’m right now setting up my firewalls again. I want to have better news to report next time. But I guess this is kind of good news, since, try as I might, I did not actually hook up in person with anyone.

I’m sorry. I know I don’t have to say that to you guys. But I want to say it. I’m sorry. I wish I hadn’t done those things. This is not the person I want to be. I can do better.

Thank you and God bless all who are struggling. MC


Thanks for being honest that’s what this group is all about. Everyone on here is struggling or has struggled a lot in the past, that’s why we are here.
I would offer more help but they say it’s best to get help from someone who is further ahead in their journey so 6 months clean or a year clean perhaps. My commitment has completely wavered this year I finished my longest ever streak in Jan but since then I’ve returned to my old patterns and haven’t felt able to or perhaps even really wanted to put in the effort required to get clean and free. I feel deeply compromised and frustrated but I know it’s possible to change and get a long streak going. The issue is our core beliefs, the lies we have ingested and believed.
I wonder if our addictions are just desperate failed attempts to get our deep needs met.
I can’t believe how many years I’ve been indulging in pornography and masturbation.
Something has to change. I’ve got better things to do with my life.

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March 27
No PMO current: 1 day
No PMO record: 5 days

@Rebooter81 Thanks so much for reaching out brother. It’s important to me that someone responded to that last message as I felt pretty gross about myself.

In the days since then I miraculously got in a 5 day streak that I stumbled from yesterday. But I’m pleased at that progress.

Something has clicked in my thinking that has helped. My inappropriate fantasies often have to do with me being in a submissive role. I realized that this makes me feel safe. But in my real life, having adult responsibilities and no one to tell me what to do, it feels like everything is out of control. I end up doing PMO as a fantasy of having someone taking authority over me. I apologize for the weirdness of this all. I won’t go any further down that line of thought.

But here’s how it is relevant. I started using that to think more of God, in the relatable form of Jesus, controlling my life. With me, like a child, slave, or dog, obeying what I am told to do. And throughout the day speaking to him with humility to ask questions and make comments about the things I’m doing.

I have been finding this actually very calming and liberating. I don’t feel like I’m in charge. And I don’t feel as much need to self-medicate, both because it is not fulfilling my needs, and I tell myself that is not something I am permitted to do.

It’s also been helping me not get angry or frustrated by other people as much, because I tell myself that I don’t particularly have any right to expect everything to go my way. I just do what God wants me to do in whatever the circumstances happen to be.

So I think, as @Rebooter81 said, PMO is a way of trying to meet unmet needs. I think my unmet need is for a father, big brother, owner - something of that nature - to be responsible for me so I can feel relaxed and secure. PMO actually causes me to feel more distant from God, the one who can actually effectively provide me with the psychological experience I’m looking for. So that is motivating me to be more resistant to the ineffective medicine and reach for what works.

I have been trying to notice when I first realized I am feeling tempted by PMO, I set the stopwtach going on my phone and then go do something to take my mind off it. When I think about it later, I look at the stopwatch and see how long I’ve gone not giving in to that original temptation. Lately it has been over an hour. And by thing, usually I don’t feel tempted by it anymore as I’ve gotten distracted by other things.

My martial arts sensei told me today to stop using self-deprecating humor because our words have power and our bodies respond to the things we say as true beliefs. So if I joke about being old or fat or whatever, my body will think that is what I am and start acting that way. He said the placebo effect in medicine is powerful. If you think a medicine will help you, often it will, even if it is just a sugar pill. And our minds can do the same if we tell ourselves positive things in other areas of life.

So… let me try a more positive way of thinking:

I am blessed to have lived for a half century, to have a family, to have the things I need for a healthy life. God has been good to me. Every time I mess up, I get back up on my feet and go back to God and try again. All the indications are that I will never give up for my entire life, and no matter how hard I fall, or how many times I fall, I WILL get up and I WILL go back to God and I WILL try again. And I like myself for being that kind of man.

Love you guys, you’re awesomer than you think and you’re not alone.


April 9
No PMO current: 4 hours
No PMO record: 5 days

Hey guys, struggling last night and this morning but getting myself together and getting up again. I always start again, I never give up, even if nothing works I will still try.

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April 10
No PMO current: 1 day
No PMO record: 5 days

Today is going really super well. I had a good workout, got a project done that had been hanging over my head, and am eating a healthy lunch. I have a new supervisor for my work who is very tough, which is kind of intimidating but I know I will be able to meet and exceed his expectations. The pressure he is putting on me might be just what I need to get my productivity and income up to where it should be. Sometimes it takes a carrot to motivate us, and sometimes it takes a stick.

I feel fortunate now in my life to have a supervisor at work and a coach in martial arts who are both challenging my limits. It’s actually kind of exciting to imagine where I might be six months from now. I have lost 8 pounds and gone down two pants sizes since starting martial arts about 5 months ago. Which is not a huge amount, but it’s best to take off weight at a slow and steady pace, they say.

And because I respect these men and want to earn their respect, it helps me when I think about PMO to realize that is not something they would approve of.

Later fellas.

April 11
No PMO current: 2 days
No PMO record: 5 days

Today is going to be fine. I can really handle this day. Yesterday was productive and I was able to resist PMO. I am telling myself it is no longer part of my life. It is not who I am. And I am in the process of maturing out of endlessly repeating ineffective practices that do not satisfy my legitimate needs and only make things worse.


Keep it up buddy. More power to you.
Love from India :india:


April 12
No PMO current: 1 day
No PMO record: 5 days

@Brahmchary Thank you so much my friend! I appreciate it. I love India and the kind people from there.

Yesterday as soon as I noticed I was feeling tempted, I set a stopwatch on my phone and switched up and did some other activities. Got busy with work and the next time I checked my phone, almost 3 hours had passed without giving in! But late in the afternoon I got tired and frustrated and gave in anyway.

That mistake does not define me. Even if I gave into it once a week, that would still mean 6 days a week I was victorious. But I can do better than that. I’m going to break my 5-day record now and get it up to 7 days at least.


Yes. Always remember you are special, you are unique. Keep trying again n again. You’ll succeed very very soon. I know you can do it easily.

Lower your screen time and also try to make your mobile boringm. Delete all social media


April 18
No PMO current: 1 day
No PMO record: 5 days

@Brahmchary Thanks buddy, those are good tips. I set restrictions on my phone and a numeric password and didn’t write down the password, so I would forget it. And I refused the option of being able to change the password using my AppleID. So now I can’t change that password or those restrictions at all.

It is kind of inconvenient because it blocks some apps that I would use that are not a problem for me. But it’s ok. It’s better than having this constant temptation.

Still not going more than a couple of days at a time without giving in but it is actually less and less interesting to me and is more out of habit than anything else. So I can work on this.

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"Write Your Target " because you are here to achieve your Target not to see the current streak and think about higher record.:100::fire: