Lost90 diary (ik I rant and I'm sorry)

Day 6

Yesterday was weird. So many thoughts and so many feelings, I really thought I was going to relapse but some sanity in some corner of my mind kept telling me that I’ll regret it. Eventually I didn’t do it. Except for mild shit that I saw ( not proud of it ofcourse, but it is what it is).

Where everyone celebrated the year 2016, internet industry transformation in India. I terribly hate that year. So much free internet and so much content, how can one not be addicted to such stimulus.

Now in 2024, it’s been 8 sad years which I’ve nothing to show for. I do not wish to be a bitter man but I know I’ll be a bitter man if I continue on this path but someday I’ll look at this present day and thank myself that I’m atleast trying to stop ( I believe I can stop and I’ll, I promise). Or Atleast I’ll find myself in a place where I’m not a complete loser.

I loved someone back 2021. Stupid frivolous love, burdened with constant overthinking and anxiety because I knew my habits and I believed I didn’t deserve her and sure enough she left ( my fault, totally and utterly) but the love remained, oh the damned love remained and I’m not myself since then. I want to forget, I really do but the thoughts linger about what we could’ve been. So here is the deal… Be something and then call her. Nobody loves a loser, right?

Ik I’m ranting but isn’t it worth it if I can feel some semblance of myself which I’ve came to understood that I’ve lost most of myself along the way. But I also came to know some fellows along the way too who are too struggling but who are also not willing to give up @Binocular , @CoffeeMan to name a few. I hope in time they too find their way and love that they deserve.

Until next time.

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Yes, you gotta be something but not for her. Be something for yourself.

I also feel like after these years, she must’ve moved on, so you should too. But then again, I don’t know your story, I’m just going off of generalities.

You’re right, we grew up in an era of infinite scroll serving us endless novel stimuli. We have been exposed to sexual stimuli in a way that has never been experienced in the history of human kind. It messed us up. But be glad that you’re on the side of the last bastion that is taking a stand against this debauchery.

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“For in the dew of little things the heart finds it’s morning and is refreshed”
— Kahlil Gibran

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Day 8

Summer really is here where I’m from, altough the heat is debilitating (in Rajasthan) it’s also good, reminds me of the better days when I was a child and hopes and dreams came naturally to me. Now as I close my eyes I see filth and darkness below my eyes are proof that I’ve wasted a fair share of my time airing that flame.

Altough I’m scared that sooner or later the wave of surging libido is going sweep me from my feet. I’m also prepared to face it because I feel like that voice in my head is starting getting loud and keep telling me that I’ll regret it and it’s right it has always been right but I’ve just now started to listen.

90 days isn’t a big deal, a quarter of year goes by in wiff and we remain dumbfounded by how fast that went by and I hope with this quarter my addiction too goes away with a wiff.

@CoffeeMan I understand your point but as a millenial altough I’m educated…I lack any passion which even if I had any, I failed to give attention to it. Now I just wish to be something for someone. And once that happens and financial independence is in my reach I’ll think what my passion is …until then what does it matter if I do it for her or for my family or for darned old neighbour of mine. I just wish to be done with it.

@Binocular man, you reminded me of the time when I went to kedarnath. Walked 14kms to the top through the night and at the top when the first ray of the morning sunshine kissed my face, surrounded by mountains with that sweet smell of sand under rain… feels bro.

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I imagined you’d have these :joy::sweat_smile:

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I wish bruv…the electric bill would be a breeze if I had one of those lol

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That’s not your modern AC.
That’s the ancient technique of AC, it uses no electricity at all.

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Ik …but in Rajasthan if you remove the cooling bill, there isn’t much remian to pay…that’s why I called it a breeze

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@lost90 how are doing brother?

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