Lost Nobility, Binge Relapse, OCD and Humble Learnings

Today, I lost my nobility due to relapsing to pmo after 6 straight days of clean living. I woke up feeling aroused and kept myself pre-occupied by this feeling. I should not have entertained the feeling of arousal deeply since it had led me to viewing some unwholesome YouTube videos which I have no reason to watch in the first place. Admittedly, these videos had intensified my arousal and thus, ultimately leading me to relapse for a total of 3 times on this day. It feels so bad after the third time which happened while viewing some twitter porn videos that I have been able to access by modifying the settings of my website blocker.

What I learned today is that I still lack the formidable discipline to guard my eyes from media that will unneccessarily and unhealthily arouse me. Moreover, I am still not doing enough efforts to divert my urges to more productive undertakings. Like before, whenever I feel some urges, I still tend to obssess myself about the feeling rather than diverting my focus and attention to something more positive to kill the arousal.

Meanwhile, with regard to relapsing, I still tend to binge masturbate with the thought at the back of my head that since I have broken already my streak of no pmo, I might as well indulge myself with orgasmic undertakings even if I know that doing so is unhealthy and must be weeded out in my system.

All of these must change.

Today I learned that must totally refrain from viewing media which I know would eventually make me return to pmo. I must not deceive myself by tinkering with the settings of the website blocker which I have put in place as a precaution against any tendencies to view any unwholesome video. I must guard my eyes after all, they are the windows to the soul and are thus the opening by which polluting media can enter and wreck havoc to the soul. Moreover, I must refrain from binge masturbating should I once again fall in the future (but which I hope will not transpire).

I want to say sorry to myself for abusing my body again today. I have lost my nobility but now, the desire is greater to once again to reach the state of nobility and beyond. I hope to apply the next time, all the things that I have learned and realized today. To be honest, I feel bad but I guess I must harness something good out of this feeling.

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You can! ;D
3 times? Damn, you killed yourself

Yes, admittedly when I relapse on a particular day, it’s almost always more than 1 time. My psychologist friend who knows of my struggle said that it could be because of my OCD. I’m taking steps as well to cure my OCD. He said that the latter and rewiring should go hand in hand. Please wish me well.

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@FishEater You’re in my prayers!

*I’ll be praying you find some peace and stillness.
I’m only on Day 4, and my biggest streak has been 5 days since being here 3 weeks, please feel free to ask me anything, but I’m confident you’ll find the answers :smiley:

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Thank you @Aoshigreen . Suffering from both PMO addiction and OCD is indeed a difficult cross to carry but I won’t give up and instead offer it to God.

I’m finding it really hard to overcome OCD and it affects me greatly when I relapse because after I fap, for example, there is a lingering thought in my mind that I have not fapped enough in the same way when i think that I have not washed my hands enough when I think that my hands are dirty. I am nonetheless taking steps to improve on this aspect. As my psychologist friend says, rewiring and overcoming OCD go hand in hand particularly in my case. Thanks and I’ll also remember you in my prayers.

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Hello. Sorry to hear about the relapse I think I know where youre coming from as I’ve been diagnosed with OCD and I used to binge the same way. Now not so much. I have reduced my binges to doing it about two times but im now relapsing and only fapping once when I do it. The main reason is I read avout semen retention and I realized that the degree to which I relapse also increases the negative effects significantly and the time before the positive effects of NoFap return. As a result I now think of every fap as a depletion of neurochemicals and vital nutrients etc which my body takes time to create and to gain from nutrition. I hate social anxiety and the more I fap the more anxiety I have, and thus I know with one fap I can be back to feeling decent in a few days clean but with a binge of 2-3 or more it’ll take me sometimes 5-6 days maybe more. This has made it easier to cut down.

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Thank you @Betterme777 ! Maybe we can be conpanions also. Here is my code: 694139f

Looking forward on the day when we finally overcome both pmo addiction and ocd.

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Hey, what is OCD? Something of nofap?

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.