Today, I lost my nobility due to relapsing to pmo after 6 straight days of clean living. I woke up feeling aroused and kept myself pre-occupied by this feeling. I should not have entertained the feeling of arousal deeply since it had led me to viewing some unwholesome YouTube videos which I have no reason to watch in the first place. Admittedly, these videos had intensified my arousal and thus, ultimately leading me to relapse for a total of 3 times on this day. It feels so bad after the third time which happened while viewing some twitter porn videos that I have been able to access by modifying the settings of my website blocker.
What I learned today is that I still lack the formidable discipline to guard my eyes from media that will unneccessarily and unhealthily arouse me. Moreover, I am still not doing enough efforts to divert my urges to more productive undertakings. Like before, whenever I feel some urges, I still tend to obssess myself about the feeling rather than diverting my focus and attention to something more positive to kill the arousal.
Meanwhile, with regard to relapsing, I still tend to binge masturbate with the thought at the back of my head that since I have broken already my streak of no pmo, I might as well indulge myself with orgasmic undertakings even if I know that doing so is unhealthy and must be weeded out in my system.
All of these must change.
Today I learned that must totally refrain from viewing media which I know would eventually make me return to pmo. I must not deceive myself by tinkering with the settings of the website blocker which I have put in place as a precaution against any tendencies to view any unwholesome video. I must guard my eyes after all, they are the windows to the soul and are thus the opening by which polluting media can enter and wreck havoc to the soul. Moreover, I must refrain from binge masturbating should I once again fall in the future (but which I hope will not transpire).
I want to say sorry to myself for abusing my body again today. I have lost my nobility but now, the desire is greater to once again to reach the state of nobility and beyond. I hope to apply the next time, all the things that I have learned and realized today. To be honest, I feel bad but I guess I must harness something good out of this feeling.