Like learning Church music, Hymns
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Iām not that religious, I prefer to do other music
Iāve played (so everyone as well) ave Maria (Bach) and (Schuman)
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Lovely pieces.
But there are some lovely hymns even if youāre not particularly religious, but maybe not so flamboyant, unless youāre an organist and enjoy making crazy harmonic noise in the last verse - The thing that Organists love the opportunity to do.
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Day 1
Didnāt get out of bed immediately 
Some negative feelings / concerns 
Checking my phone
Fixed up 
A good breakfast
Household / garden / spring cleaning
Piano composition / work
Inappropriate thoughts
Office work
Light lunch
Starting my diary
= Bad = 3
= Caution = 1
= Good = 7
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Day 2
Woke very early, failed to get up, overslept
āNeggyā feelings/arguments linger from yesterday
Eventually had breakfast
Good convo / reconcile
Work meeting/ plans and agreements
Some gardening work
Exhaustion / headache (from oversleeping)
Viewed inappropriate YT as a cure
More gardening work
Reasonable lunch
Long walk in the forest 
Communication / arrangements
Faith & Love was the key today.
Faith (Trust) to get up and get going - not to dwell, or give in to pmo. And Love in my neighbour that we donāt want to fight but be understood - with these things the day turned around from feeling fatigued to vitality - most especially the walk in nature and the generosity of sharing it.
I also spoke to a client who is excited and touched by my work. If Iād given into PMO earlier today, things may have been looking very different right now; I may not have appreciated all these blessings, but been weighed down with my own guilt.
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Day 3
Woke to alarm, fell back asleep
No radio alarm got up quicker
Coffee, smoke, radio (?)
Phone
eBay
Google
YT
āLet it beā comes on 
Had a good breakfast
Finished remainder of cleaning and disposal
Had a decent lunch
Procrastination / phone & wicked spirits
Feeling like a scumbag
A good reason to quit
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Day 4
Still woke and feel back asleep
knowing I had, more effort made
Set new work tasks yesterday, carried them out
Breakfast lunch missed good evening meal
Nothing spiritual a brief moment of prayer
Walk in the forest
To-ing and fro-ing into temptation
(I have my usual suspects)
I want to flip this around and use opposites to gain stability.
Thought - action
Obsession - release
Fight - passive
Isolation - people
Phone - solitude
Work - walk
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Day 5
Similar mishaps today
My days are starting with more urgency
*Morning Mass
Cooked a very decent breakfast, over dining out
*Work was tiresome
though later persisted and got results
The day ended on a good note
Thanks be to God for His faithfulness
*Lessons, the sun will come out.
āGod lives in me, and I live in Himā¦ā
God lives within us
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Day 2
āThe Sun will always come upā
We may have a headache, we may feel joyless; but tomorrow may be the opposite ~ or even by the end of the day.
āFirm strong words cut to the coreā
Telling myself and slamming my first down, I must wake up and get up earlier tomorrow. The morning came and I was awake just after 5am
āConfidenceā
itās not pride, naivety, self-made, beyond pigeon-holing dogma but acting with Faith upon what is within.
Stability - Balance - doing the opposite of what we do, day in, day out
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Day 2
(yep, and so it is again - but I wonāt let it keep me down)
Letās Begin;
Duties
Time for others
Reflection
Eating well
Walk in nature
Exercise
Positive thinking
Tomorrow Iāll post my thoughts about what Iām seeking
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Waiting for the next diary entry 
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Diary entry;
Monday 26th June
Where have I been?..
Well, itās been over a month since my last post.
I stopped posting because I didnāt see the point, and thought āfap or nofap is a choice, writing about other stuff (having a personal public diary) doesnāt really mean anything on a nofap forumā ā¦so anyway Iām here once again because I want to escape from that isolation, the worries, anxiety and fappingā¦ I know all you guys understand - as these conversations arenāt really talked about anywhere else, except among fellow brothers who know and understand.
I think itās good to be journalling because itās a chance to escape, an opportunity to reflect, and primarily focus on positive thoughts, though escaping is fundamental.
Positivity is part and parcel of escaping from darkness, and it doesnāt need, but be a building block.
I havenāt exercised a lot, but walking regularly.
Work life is good, and my diet is healthy and great. Lots vegetables, fish, eggs, spices, herbs, and meats.
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Wednesday 28th June
I got out of bed late today and had given into mo (living past experiences)
Iāve eaten fairly well today, and helped others.
God has given another day and a chance to be the difference
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@Forodwaith @Rebooter81 hope you guys are still here, still trying, and doing well.
@ncubeanelem thank you for your continued prayers and support.
Thurs 29th June
I woke a little late today, but Iām eating well and enjoy my occupation.
I had a moment of weakness today, as often is the case, but the spark came āchoose notā
My highest streak recently, and in a long time has been 12days, but Iām now at Day 1 with the choice to refrain. To refrain from p & mo, refrain from looking, refrain from staring at girls walk by, refrain from sloth and to refrain from being swayed by my own outward appeal.
My current relationship may not be ideal, but I believe God knows what is best for us.
So what a couple of younger pretty girls show their eyes to me? What is that in the face of mortality?
And is it not because Iām now a bit older and not chasing those I meet that shows some maturity?
In my own space and hidden ways itās very different and I think and act in desperation - Yes, they may help take that awayā¦and Iām back to where I started, creating a life long companionship with someone I trust will always be there.
But here am I, often in turmoil with entertaining a gamble over someone younger, prettier and more ideal, because I seem to have other options, and start all over again, not just again, but yet again, lead by my eye for beauty and ideals, rather than being a rational person of depth and integrity.
Iām often my own worst enemy, not because I donāt know goodness, but because the easier more attractive options and ideas are self serving and donāt ask for anything, well, not until I make choices, have to take responsibility and become vulnerable, and possibly be discarded just as I have been doing to others. When things didnāt meet my expectations or I was not willing to make any sacrifices, I just moved on with or without some pain or regret, but in most cases hurting the other.
I want resolve, but donāt know if God is calling me out of this relationship to pursue another out of natural desire, or whether this particular person is just a test to educate me in some way. Anyway, maybe writing it down may help.
What Iām going through, is it not just the same as what some married people go through?
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I relapsed a few days ago. Sunday night.
And Iām still regularly peeking, edging, and giving way to impulsive thoughts. Iām still looking for that āhighā
Incidentally, I donāt relapse on Thursdays, Fridays or Saturdays.
Thursday Iām always in Church practicing with the choir, and Saturday mornings there is Mass followed by confession, and time for self care.
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Hey man. Itās great to read how your journey is currently going. Keep going and never despair, one of these days can truly be the last day that we engage in this addictive behaviour and begin living on a more dignifed and self-respecting way of life.
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Thank you for your kind words of encouragement bro. It really means a lot to get support when feeling alone in this.
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Exercise lowers stress, improves sleep, and boosts mood. Pay attention to your needs.
An acronym for things that trigger relapse is HALT, which stands for āhungry, angry, lonely, tired.ā
Stay on top of these things, so you donāt find yourself getting so miserable that you act impulsively.
I need motivation on a daily basis;
To be continuedā¦today
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