Kalechips’ Escape [18 M ]

Journal
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TRIGGER WARNING! TURN BACK IF YOU ARE WEAK OF WILL!
Entry 1
Wednesday, May 19, 2021

I’d like to start from the beginning, but I fear it’d take far too long to write in just one night. However, seeing as this is the introductory first entry to my diary, I believe a summary is warranted.
I began PMO at 11 years old, originally not knowing what porn was, and definitely not knowing what the MO of PMO stood for. I was hooked instantly, and since I had my own computer for online schooling from a very early age, I had much more access to the internet than any 11 year old should. I continued watching porn up to the age of 13, when I was caught by my parents. My mother, understandably, was furious. My dad later said to me, “It’s natural, everyone does it.”
That one sentence was all I needed to justify something that was very NOT natural.
From 13 onward, it was crazy. I was watching porn at least once per day, my mind was constantly in a fog, and I had no real motivation to do anything more than the bare minimum that my education allowed. As I watched more and more porn, I started to get into weirder, kinkier shit. I started looking at femboys, crossdressers, and the trans community more often than straight porn. Shit had hit the fan and it was all over the place.

Then, if shit hitting the fan wasn’t enough, the fan exploded.

I began crossdressing at 16. Yeah, you read that right. I started crossdressing. In the back of my mind at all times now was a desire to be female. Whether that was already there or not, I can’t say, but either way, my incessant watching of porn aggravated the feeling to an extreme point. It was then, and only then, when I decided to try quitting PMO. Problem was, just because I admitted to myself that something was wrong, it didn’t mean I had the guts to tell other people I knew. Enter Rewire Companion. I found the app when I was 17, so last year. Even with a supportive community that was willing to listen to me, I didn’t feel like I could or should talk. I was too ashamed of all I’d done to the point that I was trying to pretend it had never happened. Of course, that’s not exactly the mindset you want to be in when quitting PMO. As of now, my highest streak is only 18 days. Recently, I’ve decided to really join the community and share what I’ve been through on this nightmarish hellcoaster, because I truly don’t believe I can do this alone.

I’m Kalechips, and this is the story of my escape from PMO.

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After reading this , I understand you are heavily Addicted to PMO.

Get out of this shit.

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This can be only said by a American dad. Indians dad’s are too different. American culture towards sex is very bad.

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I couldn’t agree more. For some reason this unhealthy viewpoint is so common that if you actually think the opposite, you’re viewed as weird or uncool.

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Entry 2
Thursday, May 20, 2021
I kept myself relatively busy and out of the house all day. I finally got the tags for my first car, so I’ll be driving myself to work tomorrow! Since it’s pretty early in my new streak, just around day 5 of no PMO, I haven’t really had any major urges. This morning, I woke up at 7:30 and just stayed in bed until around 10, so I can’t say much for my motivation. I know that early in the morning is usually when I’m most susceptible to urges, so I can’t let that happen again. I haven’t done any crossdressing for a couple of months now, but that little voice in the back of my head is still nagging at me. I know it only gets louder the longer my streak is, but I’m not entirely sure it’s connected. Usually, the longer my streak is, the harder I find it to resist any urge, as if all my willpower is running out. I want to start meditating and clearing my mind once a day, but first I’ll have to clear my schedule. What with going into college soon and community service, I have so much I should be doing instead of dealing with this addiction, but if I don’t do it now I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do it later in life.
G’night!

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Entry 3
Friday, May 21, 2021
I’m starting to feel urges, which usually happens around this time in my streaks. Of course, at the most crucial moment when I really have to be focusing on positive things to keep my mind in check and my willpower up, my parents decide to have an all-out brawl. That’s nothing new, really. They’ve fought at least once a week as long as I can remember. This is due to my mom being not all there and both parents being drunkards until recently, when my dad pulled a 180 and stopped smoking and drinking. My mom did some pretty fucked up stuff that I don’t think I’m ready to think about yet, and I know neither my dad nor the rest of my family will ever forgive her. That’s only made the fighting worse. I just wish they wouldn’t do it around the kids, because that negative energy is definitely emotionally stunting them. I have 4 younger siblings, 2 of which are really young, and I know they look up to me, especially when both adults are arguing.
That’s just one more reason I want to be the best version of myself.

I just realized that I was talking about keeping a positive view, and this entire entry is negative. I guess to get to the good part of life, you have to wade through a lot of shit. I haven’t ever stopped to deal with all the bad things that have happened to me, mostly because I didn’t deem them important. Only recently have I started to realize that letting all this stuff stack up isn’t really healthy for me, and it causes pressure throughout my daily life. PMO used to be the only release I got, but maybe by writing out my problems, I can finally find calm.

More tomorrow.

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Entry 4
Saturday, May 22
Day 6 of what I hope is the beginning of my life streak. I’m starting to get a little scared because I always lose it around this time. I also know from experience that the urges only get stronger, and they never let up. Even up to day 18 on my longest streak, I had urges every day. My best bet is to keep myself busy all the time so I can’t focus on anything too long.

I got a positive word affirmation banner to hang on my wall today so I can see it when I wake up in the morning, just for a little extra push to get out of bed.
It reads,“Happiness is not so much in having as sharing. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give”.

I’m going to give my time and effort to getting over this roadblock that is PMO in my life, and I will build the foundation of my renewed life on this victory.

More tomorrow.

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