Hi everyone. Well the question is more suited for adults. I mean to say the people who have been through life so it would be best suited for those who are in age range in mid to late 20s and above. But of course everyone is welcome.
This is kinda connected with nofap in a way that before I had no control over myself before. But for the most part this isn’t a nofap issue. I guess we can include it into “self improvement” issue
Recently, I think I’m getting more stable in my emotional side. I used to reminisce over my past events with multiple people and it used to hurt me a lot. I used to overanalyze the scenarios. To some extent I still do that and sometimes my emotions overwhelm me.
But these days I’m feeling lighter. My brain has switched thinking. I guess the healing process is going on. My conscience is clearer and it tells me that the things that happened are not worth remembering anyway. Just let go. Shit happens.
While that seems good and the emotional baggage has been reducing, I just don’t think I can forgive the people. I see myself letting go of them, but I can’t forgive them neither I want to wish good for them. And if I have to be really honest, if they get hurt it will really make me happy. Although as I see my mind today, I’d simply chuckle a bit and then get back to my business. I don’t feel the need to obsess over it.
The way I see it, if I heal I’ll simply let go of those things completely. But I won’t be able to forgive the people.
It is the same with me too. I’ve done some bad things in my past. I don’t think I can forgive myself. But I can keep my head cool and collected and tell myself that I’ll correct the wrongdoings I did (especially when it comes to my parents and some close ones)
I tell myself that I need to focus first on things that are important right now and when the right time comes I’ll correct things little by little.
My question comes up as - is forgiveness important? Or it is not? Because the way I see it, I can let go without forgiving too. Is this going to be good enough?
Forgiveness is a tough topic and I won’t pretend to know everything. But, I can speak through the experience of trying to forgive someone who abused me badly when I was a child.
My profile picture of Rafiki came from a meme I saw that was a groundbreaking realization for me: “forgive others. Not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.”
What forgiveness is NOT:
Saying that what the person did was okay.
Requires that you expose yourself to further harm from that person.
What forgiveness is:
No longer wanting vengeance on the perpetrator. (Notice, “vengeance”. Wanting justice is okay.)
Accepting what happened (not being bitter or in denial).
Freeing yourself from the burden someone else put on you, by letting it go. Perhaps even by turning the hurt into your growth.
I do think that forgiveness is important. Letting it go is not enough. But, that takes time, and can need a lot of healing. Don’t rush yourself, but I suggest that you put forgiveness on your radar
I believe I’m becoming like that little by little.
I still get absorbed into my emotional wreck sometimes wanting my revenge. But the frequency is too low now. Like 80% has dropped.
I’m holding onto the grudge much lesser.
I’m sort of in a state where these events don’t matter to me anymore
I still think that there’s something beyond these points you’ve put. Something that counts for the actual forgiveness.
You’re definitely right about that. It kinda seems impossible to me to do this by my conscious efforts. These things happen in the subconscious.
The point comes that I had the contact number of those people I wanted to prove something. I still want to prove something. But I deleted their contacts. I just feel like it won’t be worth anymore.
I used to imagine scenarios where they’d see this new and improved me and perhaps be jealous and regretful of hurting me. But now I don’t want to imagine that. I still can make use of the feelings to push myself harder. But now I’m in a transition state where I partly want to do it because I want to prove it to them, and partly I’m in a state where I just want to do it for my own self and nothing else. It sometimes becomes confusing, as if a “superposition” of two states is occuring. Like my feelings want revenge but they don’t want it at the same time. It happens sometimes.
I agree with @keepFighting When you don’t forgive someone then your life decisions will be impacted because of that. It’s a extra burden carrying you on yourselves. Which will be harmful to you in the long term.
Opposite of love is not hate. Opposite of love is indifference. If you go through the break up. You will see your ex will try to make you jealous, try to do things that will make you hate her. Because she knows if she can make you angry she is on your mind and she can control you. Anger is weakness. The best fighter never gets angry. If someone can make you angry then they can control you. I think we had this kind of discussion earlier in this forum.
I have been the victim of these things. I wanted to prove someone. I wanted to do better than what he/she was doing. But later I realized how stupid it was to do that. Because what he was doing I would never have good for me. My goal was completely different. But just because of proving him inferior ,my life decisions was wrong.
The guy or the girl went to USA for masters I wanted to do the masters in USA in the better university than him. But later I realized how would I hate going to USA. Because of their VISA system you can never do the start ups or your own business there. For someone with entrepreneurial mindset that is the bad choice.
For start ups the better place would be India I guess. But still Germany is fairly better than USA.
Also apart from that there is possibility of misinterpretation. May be you got angry because of wrong reason. May be that guy never meant to harm you. May be you are overthinking it or overreacting. It has happened with me lot of times.
People aren’t perfect. There is problem with every people, if you easily get angry or over react you will never have good relationship in life. May be what you call your self respect is just the ego talking.
So all these things you have to keep in mind and analyze it. It doesn’t mean you’re always wrong about people but be willing to forgive others. So be cautious so that guy or girl don’t trick you again.
Also these things won’t go away suddenly. It will take time. Almost everyone has people in their life they would want to see fail.
You will perform better in your life of you forgive yourself. Buddha says anything wrong we do in life comes from the ignorance that’s why we shouldn’t regret or be guilty.
There’s someone with whom I ran the scenarios 100s of times. Thinking that maybe it was my fault. Turns out I was actually simping. I still have issues with that but after weeks I’m seeing it wasn’t really my fault. I won’t be able to forgive her, at least not now. I got used up for her validation. But the events don’t bother me much. And my desire for revenge has diminished to a considerable extent. I’m still in the process of healing. And I don’t wish well to that person. But if anything happens it won’t be my concern of course. I’m not a saint and I believe my cause is justified. I’ll keep away from that person for my own sake. I’m fine if I don’t get any justice. But if karma hits hard, it will definitely make me a little happy. I’m hoping to be completely free from the influence of all those events. And it pumps me up as a fuel to do better. So yeah I think that’s good enough
Hey Nep
Some thoughts from my side
Yes, I do think that forgiveness is extremely important for your mental well-being
An important thing I read in “psycho cybernetics” (by the way, an amazing book after the first 50 pages), forgiveness doesn’t mean to go to the person and say “I forgive you for your wrong-doings”. This act means that you feel superior. That you feel like you are better than him and that he acted the way he did because he is stupid.
Probably the only way to true forgiveness is through understanding: Rarely it is the case that a person (or you self) think: “ooh I could hurt that person. I don’t have to, I could do him something good but today, I will hurt him”. People are not that cruel. People don’t like to hurt or damage each other. This is maybe hard to understand and you might feel different but people only do what they feel is right or what they feel they have to do. Always remember, if you were in the exact same position, you would react in the exact same way. It has been proven by experiments, that ordinary people can torture other people if you bring the right stimuli to them. This thought will change your life if you truly understand its meaning.
One example: in 8th grade I was mobbing another kid. But why did I do that? I, myself, was the victim of mobbing for a few years and didn’t have any friends. Then, I found that one kid that was even weaker. So, I thought if I do a “cool” thing and start mobbing him, I will earn the respect of others. Yes, I would never do that again but in that situation, it was the “reasonable thing” to do.
I forgave myself since I know that under that emotional pain I had, and with the few strategies I had at hand, it was not possible to react differently
→ You understand why people are doing things and you can let go of the anger and hate. You can replace anger and hate by true compassion and a positive feeling of pity. Imagine in which horrible situation or feelings a person has to be to be able to abuse a child. It doesn’t make it good what he did but I see his pain and instead of hating him or wanting to hurt him, I want to go to him and help him out of his misery.
Yes that’s the right decision. Many guys simp hard in the beginning. Then they learn the hard way.
Your best options would be to move on and not to give much thought on your previous relationship. Overall what you are doing is good.
Thank you very much for your input
I do want to debate with you regarding a few points. I kinda don’t agree with them. But yes in some points I believe you are right. As of right now, I don’t have patience and energy to do that. I’m worried about other things. So we’ll need to postpone. However I’m quite eager to discuss these things with you (a good intellectual debate is what I always crave :-D)
I’m also wondering as I progress ahead maybe I will change my perspective and maybe it will be more in alignment of what you think. I’ve spent years in depression and these things are really new to me. This healing and stuff, I’m experiencing after a long time. Let’s see what happens.
Yeah
Maybe I just not give these things the attention they don’t deserve. I need to give myself more time and be a superior version of myself. I guess the topic ends here then. This isn’t the thing to worry about as of right now.
I’m 35. This is my personal opinion.
If you can’t forgive yourself, that means you don’t love yourself. If you can’t love yourself, you can’t love others. That is why you can’t forget nor yourself, nor them. If you can’t love yourself, you also won’t be able to have a firm and healthy self-confidence.
However, not forgiving yourself and others only hurts you! Not others. It is a poison of hatred, slowly lurking and destroying you from the inside.
First love yourself, practice it. Then comes the forgiving.
when I started gratitude (I am not regular to do it)
In my third time to do to focus , I do it with music and there are 3 steps (let’s say 3 questions ) to follow till 10 min .
First : think about 10 things you are gratefull for .
Secondbe quit and ask for guidance for the day.
Thrid :
This point that i want to mention it with you .
Send love for whom are bothering you …
Believe me … it was so weird and I was panic about how can I do it …
“You can’t imagine how I am today …”
Even you are like me , you don’t understand how can I forgive those people , you do it for yourslef .
Try with youraelf to say
" I forgive …(by name)… try to give reasons even if you don’t in understand and still your head is big and no reasons found I’m that time god will heal ask him only (you don’t need anything except him )
You need this … you need to set free your soul so try it .
Ask God to give you this strength to forgive … maybe you will not have it immediately (what broke hearts take time to accept new things around or can happen )
So my advice to you
=> Forgive to set your soul for freedom
=> You forgive yourself before anyone
=> Don’t quick things like this , just ask God and he will give you all when you believe " ALL IS EASY COME , EASY GO"
SO NOTHING MATTER TO HAVE THIS HEAVY WEIGHT .
Hi there. Thank you for your insight. You are right about the fact that I didn’t love myself. I had a hard time accepting things. When I was 16 I was quite prideful, to the point it was borderline narcissistic. Or maybe it was simply just narcissistic. Certain situations occured and I was too low on confidence. And I started hating myself after seeing my faults and a lot of imperfections that came along. I was weak and stupid back then. Probably I’m not much different now. It’s been 7 years to this state of my mind now. But I have started breaking out of it. I’ve come in terms of me and my imperfections. Nofap has served as a starting point of that journey. In terms of self improvement I’ve made some progress for sure.
Honestly I’m glad that those things happened with me. It has given me an overall a more humble ground. I believe I’m a much better person compared to what I was before (prideful and egoistic) because I failed badly. I’m looking forward to be an even better person in the future. And your point of “self love” is involved in that. Although I’m still keen on correcting my mistakes. It will definitely give me a psychological support. I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to do this at the right time. So merely that
You’re right about that. I just don’t understand how can we be compassionate to someone who has hurt us. I mean getting over the revenge feeling is another thing. Being indifferent to them is also something I find acceptable. Basically we’re moving on. Letting go of those issues. But sending love to them? That kinda seems absurd to me.
I’d like to enter this discussion as well as I’m at similar situation, I had a breakup maybe 9 months ago, almost 10. And when such things happen, both sides are involved. So, despite how many times I tried to be friendly with my ex, show the genuine interest, I faced the wall - polite but ice cold. Anyways! I have no idea what is your relationship with religion, but if you have some kind of this or believe in “Some Upper Force/Energy” or whatever, it should help you to keep that connection in positive light. I’m still praying for that person, I can’t say, I’m wishing him to find another significant other, better than I was. Nope. But I am praying for his day, for his job, for his security. And 6 months before, I had an idea, why should I pray for him? Constant thinking stops my healing! However, then I thought- this helps me not to become angry, resentful or just - terrible - towards this person. And well, there are days, when I feel sad about this person, helpless, yes, sometimes anger appears, but I’m not feeling that deep hatred that I could.
Well, quite short and “closed” answers - you know, those that don’t leave space to start proper conversation, there is only question-answer show and, well politely asks how am I (when someone asks you the same, then you answer, completely forgotten to ask this in return, and when you tap “send” you remember! And then text this question, that has that “by the way…” taste in it), but isn’t interested to get more detailed information. Or makes an excuses not to meet. Or never texts first. Or sometimes doesn’t reply at all… ok, the last one isn’t too polite
So during the last month, I realised I was hurt more on these 8 months, than during our breakups. And now, I don’t feel like getting back together, but I’d love to get a forgiveness. It would calm me down so much. But it’s up to him, I shouldn’t pay too much attention to this, but, we are all humans, and we have feelings, and it’s hard to use only brain on situation like this!
So I suppose the person lost interest?
I guess we really are in a similar situation.
Although I was more direct. In the end I begged her to stay. But she had her validation thing done. She moved on.
I do think a bit of gaslighting was involved as well.
I tried my best to make it better. And talked it out.
To no avail of course.
And I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive and have compassion. I cared too much and put my own needs elsewhere. I was treated like a doormat.
I’m not comfortable to speak everything out in public, so I’ll just let it be here.
In my scenario I don’t want that anymore. Everything was a good lesson for me. Most of all, self preservation comes first. You are more important than the other person no matter what. Else you’ll end up like a playtoy.
I don’t want to force you to think too much regarding this, but if you do it. And if it turns out that you’re being treated like a doormat, I believe you should share my thoughts as well. Of course it’s fine if we’re not on same grounds. But I’m not a saint. Neither I want to be. Because I’ve been with those who actually don’t really care about their mistakes. And are most probably enjoying life without giving it any serious thoughts.
Anyways, I’m glad that you moved on. So congratulations. And keep moving forward.
I have some doubts about my “moving on” I know, that I am moving to the therapist hopefully, this month, cause I got into depression during this time and just can’t do it by myself anymore. PLUS I’ve found so many broken things in my personality, that it’s time to fix them already.
And it’s painful to hear, and foremost, to feel as a doormat… I wish you, from the depth of my heart, to forget this feeling as soon as possible! You’re facing many inner fights, so - stay strong, as you are!
I didn’t feel that way, there were some needs that were unmet, however, I made many mistakes, basically- out of fear.
I definitely had that feeling regarding you.
After you had said this
And I don’t want to offend you of course but the compassion you’ve got for him, especially these things
I had a feeling that you still feel for him, hence the case. Maybe it is more of an “attachment” thing than the “forgiveness” thing. This is what I felt at a time. And now I’m feeling it more. This is just a personal opinion of course and my intentions aren’t to offend you. Neither you need to take me seriously if you’re sure that’s not the case. However this can be one of the possibilities. I’m saying this because I was just like you. Trying to be very kind. Trying to comfort the other person. Even though they didn’t give a damn at times. And it happened many times that I was approached because of the validation of comfort I’d provide. I failed to see that. Later I learned about this “doormat” concept.
I’m thankful that I’m out of the “feelings” or atleast the highly intense infatuation as they say. In all the honesty I really cared too much that I believe it was taken for granted.
And that’s why this comes into context.
I made up my mind, that it will be better to die a virgin than to be with someone who doesn’t respect you. And with a large nofap streak I was gathering courage to do this too. However I was still craving for a “deep connection”. This is difficult to find because of my personality. I can’t stand superficial things. This included a lot of people, and a lot whom I used to call “friends”. I have eliminated plenty of people in my life.
As of now, I have also reduced my cravings of that connection thing.
I realized that the only people who ever have loved me for me are my parents. That’s it.
and I was panic 
about how can I do it …
and, well politely asks how am I (when someone asks you the same, then you answer, completely forgotten to ask this in return, and when you tap “send” you remember! And then text this question, that has that “by the way…” taste in it), but isn’t interested to get more detailed information. Or makes an excuses not to meet. Or never texts first. Or sometimes doesn’t reply at all… ok, the last one isn’t too polite 