Insecurity/Self Doubt During Sex

Need Advice
#1

Anyone struggle with insecurity and self doubt during sex on their road to recovery? I’ve been struggling with PIED for awhile. I’m 52, and I’ve been doing this since I was a teen. Unfortunately, I only discovered that porn could be an addiction a few years ago, and I have been working to overcome it since then. At one point, I made it close to 45 days porn free. I thought I was doing pretty well, but when I had sex, my mind panicked. I felt like things weren’t happening, and I resorted to fantasies to get aroused and ejaculate. And then, of course after that, I felt like crap, beat myself up, and ended up binging. Since then, I can go 15 days, though more recently, its only about 7 without PMO. Still, when opprtunity arises, the same thing happens. It’s not often at all. I just want to be in the moment when the moment happens and let things happen. but I feel like I have been fighting this, struggling with this for so long, I don’t know how. It really gets into my head. Its been a looooong time since I have been able to have successful intercourse. Usually, oral is what I end up resorting too, and even that is a struggle.

I know the easy answer is to just wait longer before attempting sex, but I dont think that will really solve the problem. I think there are layers to this battle, overcoming the addiction itself and then regaining confidence to enjoy sex.

Any thoughts on how to get my confidence back? Just having some idea on how to overcome that would help me fight my addiction to get to that point.

Thanks

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#2

Hello @jackspit49

This is a powerful story man, I’m sorry for what you are going through.

There’s hope and it’s certain, you can do it. I would recommend you take a couple steps back and don’t focus on intercourse for the moment. Look at the situation from a distance: the human body is capable of doing great things, among those there’s the ability to reproduce and go from a small cell to a whole body. That’s evolution right there. Your body is just as capable, it’s just that as for now, there’s an addiction compromising your thinking and thus sabotaging the way your body responds to certain situations.

The addiction feeds on you thinking that a) having orgasms is very important (because porn has shown you the money shot long enough), b) good sex is heavily related to how long you can penetrate a woman (because again, porn has shown you that over and over) and last but not least c) that quitting PMO is a difficult thing to do. It’s all bullshit though. The sooner you rewire your thinking and get rid of those mistaken beliefs, the easier it will be for you to see things as they are, get rid of that performance anxiety and actually become a compassionate and caring lover with integrity.

Learn about those mental patterns by reading this book:

It’s completely free and that method itself has helped millions quit addictions. The book carries the same method and was adapted to PMO/sex. Take your time but read it, it’s going to be worth it.

Take care.

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#3

Thanks for bringing this up. I go through the same things, unfortunately. When I get really depressed, I even think that my body and mind were not meant to have sex, that I have some sort of deficiency.

This is not true, of course, our bodies and minds can do things we can’t even imagine. These issues happen probably because of the habit to think about sex in a very specific way. Of course we will became anxious and panic. We have to discover our own way to do it. Me, I like the idea to get relaxed and take my time for things to happen. That’s how I can start enjoy things.

You are right: stay away from porn is one thing, getting more confident and relaxed is other. It has more to do with peace of mind than to how many days you don’t engage in PMO.

I think that our ideas of “successful intercourse” are sometimes a little crazy, neurotic. Do you really enjoy when you “finish”? That’s what you were looking for? Does your partner enjoy it? I ask this because I have notice I am nervous most of the time I am having sex, and I just want things to end, actually, and the ending is not even that good.

Do you have interest on alternative therapies? If so, I’d say to you to check out Meditation, and Massagem Tântrica Sensitive Massagem. I’d look for things that engage your whole body and get your mind relaxed. I have already read a bit of the book @Bashi mentioned and it’s definitely worth a check, too.

I was very pleased to see that you keep fighting bad habits, despite of how difficult it is, and how long you have been struggling. That’s encouraging, thank so much. I needed to see something like this.

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#4

Thanks, Bashi, for the kind words. I’m reading the book now.

And Juvenal, Sometimes, it’s so easy to feel broken and alone. Your final comment made me feel less so. It means alot just to know that. I’ll definitely try those therapies.

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#5