Appreciate your honesty , Now try to add checklist to your goals everyday and youāll be a beast
Mere toh lage pade ha Bhai yaar Aaj dubara school gya toh nayi musibat lgyi peeche isiliye me chutti krta hu itni kher summer vacations ka intezaar ha bus kuch din or sehlu mere toh lage hi rehte ha life me, aap btao apka kya haal ha girlfriend thik ha aapki?
Itās common ig , thinking about going back to home after the lunch , and waiting for vacation when summer and winters arrive .
Why are you doing this brother ? Any issues? It drops your energy level as I didnāt eat anything for 26 hours recently due to some issues . Only laziness ! Everything alright ?
Great man , are you doing calisthenics only? Best wishes
Hmm , try to get vitamin k3 and magnesium and zinc too if you feel their deficiency symptoms . I took a supplement which had all these 5 vitamins and minerals. It was from Healthveda organics it was on sale that time.
Ben 10 challenge dekh lo negro
I keep having this recurring dream. In it, Iām doing everything I possibly can to save my mom. I still remember that night so clearlyābeing in the storeroom, right beside the room where my mother lay lifeless on the bed. Thankfully, some of our relatives from my momās side were thereāher mother, my uncleās wife (maami ji), and my khala too. More relatives arrived the next morning. My fatherās sisters were at the back of the house, but they hadnāt come to the front yet.
That night, I remember praying with everything in meāhoping for a miracle, like in the shows where someone comes back to life fully healed. But that didnāt happen.
In my dreams, it does happen. Sometimes I see us opening her grave and sheās still alive. Then she comes back home, spends her final moments with us. And I get that chance I never had. I still remember the last time I saw her aliveā1st January, around 7 AM, before going to school for extra classes. The last chat we had was about her wanting to go to the hospital. I wish I had pushed her harder, argued more, done anything to make her go sooner. Maybe if I had fought her more when it mattered, something could have changed. But the signs showed too late. And deep inside, I keep blaming myself.
In those dreams, I go through my entire lifeāwondering if I had done this⦠if I had done that⦠would she still be with us? Whenever I see someone talk about cancer survival, or someone who recovered miraculously, I canāt help but thinkāwhat if we had done the same? Maybe sheād still be alive.
Thereās so much that she taught meāeverything, really. From cooking to washing to cleaning. She raised us with strength even while dealing with illness herself. I remember when I was about seven. I used to cry because of starvation. She was admitted in the hospital, my father was fully absorbed in her condition, and my fatherās sisterāthe one who was supposed to helpāwould only cook for herself. She never once helped us. Instead, she used to blame my mother for making us do household work at such a young age.
But my mother, even from the hospital bed, kept worrying about us. She would call her own sisters and ask them to help at our home. Over time, my sister started learning how to cook, and eventually I did too. Life was never easy for us.
My mother had one constant wishāa good house where we could all live peacefully. She used to ask my father to build one, but he never really cared. We lived in our grandfatherās houseāsmall, broken, and too old. It had a big ground in the front, one room, a kitchen, toilet, and bathroom. And when it rained, the sewer water would fill the ground up. She always dreamt of a better home. Even I used to feel ashamed of it. I never invited any friends over because of it.
My fatherās friends would always say that there was a time this house was once the biggest and most luxurious in the area. But now, it looks like nothing more than a haunted junkyard. I promised my mother I would fulfill all her dreams. I used to tell her, āYou want a house? Just wait. When I grow up, Iāll give you much more than that.ā
People used to see me as a genius. Wherever I went, I picked up things quickly. I never had to work too hard to learn anything. That made me lazy. Things started feeling boring. I kept thinking, If I can do this without trying, then imagine what I can do with a little effort. But time passed, and eventually I even stopped trying.
And now⦠all of thatāmy promises, my dreams, her dreamsāthey all come to me in dreams.
In real life, I donāt feel anything. I donāt even miss her now. I donāt feel alone. I donāt cry. I just go on with life. Iāve never been the type to get emotional or attached. I donāt care where people are or who is around. I like staying alone. I act dumb sometimes around close friends, but deep down, Iām a serious person.
But in my dreams⦠itās like I become someone else. I cry badly. I regret everything. I thank her, I miss her, I break down near people who are listening to me. Sometimes I even feel like Iām crying in my sleep. I get scared that maybe I said something out loud in real life, or cried in realityābut every time I check, nothing. No tears. No sound.
These dreams keep coming. So often now. And honestly⦠theyāre nothing more than unnecessary thoughts. They make me confusedāconfused to the point where I question: Is she alive? Or was the funeral real? They shake me up, but only in my sleep. In reality, I donāt feel anything.
Sheās gone. But only my dreams keep pretending otherwise.
I donāt blame ya for school.
School is obsolete, yes it teaches you well. But now, with everything shifting itās not much more than a level 1 training camp.
There is much more layers to life now-a-days.
Enjoy your life I would say, when itās right time, you will eventually sort everything out
About being alone, get a gf Who pays for your Momos.
Btw how much is the price of Momos at your side?
Diary Entry ā 9th May
Every time I meet someone lately, all I hear is, āHow did you become so black?ā or āWerenāt you fair just a while ago?ā And honestly, I have no words. Till February, my skin tone was light beige ā normal. Now, I look in the mirror and even Iām shocked. I didnāt notice the change until people kept pointing it out.
I know what caused this. My sleep schedule is completely ruined. Iāve been spending hours under the sun with no sunscreen. I donāt eat properly either ā some days I eat only once in 24 hours. I do feel hungry, like really hungry every few hours, but when I try to eat, I feel like throwing up. My brain feels blank all the time. Iāve also been relapsing every four days, and I know thatās messing up my mind and body even more.
Because of all this, my skin has turned into this reddish-brown, tanned, oily mess. Even though I bathe and smell like shampoo and soap, people think I donāt wash my face or that Iām dirty. That hurts. Some relatives even joked, āDid you get grilled?ā and some classmates look at me like Iām unhygienic. Itās humiliating. And the worst part? I donāt even feel like myself anymore.
I want to fix it. Iāve bought some basic meds ā Vitamin D 60K IU sachets (one per week, total of 4), 15 tablets of Calcium 500mg + Vitamin D 250IU, and 30 multivitamins. Gonna start fixing my sleep schedule too, and get back into exercise.
For my skin, Iāll start with Sebamed cleansing soap (pH 5.5) ā ChatGPT recommended it. And later, when I save up enough, Iāll buy sunscreen. No point doing a DeTan treatment like my friends suggest if I canāt even protect my skin afterward.
Also, today I gave an interview for my Tourism subjectās On Job Training. It felt more like an inspection, but I did my best. The OJT classes will start again this summer vacation. Theyāre also starting remedial classes from 7:30 to 10:30 am ā but Iām definitely not attending. They want a No Objection Certificate, and Iām not giving it. The teacher just makes us copy the book anyway ā itās a waste of time.
Until July 1st, Iām free. I plan to finish my 12th syllabus by then.
Tomorrow, Iām going running again with my friends. Another friend added me to a cricket group, so Iāll bring them all together so we can play from 6 am to 10 am. Sunday, as always, is for football.
Yes, playing under the sun has made my skin worse. Yes, my habits are partly to blame. But when Iām playing with them, I feel alive. Even though Iām not good at sports, I enjoy it. I laugh, I live. When Iām alone, I feel like Iām just existing ā like Iām trying to pass time, not truly live.
Thatās all for today. Thanks for sticking with me, diary .
Tanning is not bad. Just make sure you donāt wash your face with water after being in sun. It causes tanning to stay longer than usual.
Even putting water on any body part after sun tan causes tanning to stay longer. This is my take and experience.
Reason being, putting water on tanned cells hydrates them and makes the tan stay longer.
What you can do instead is, drink water, plenty water to hydrate first after being out playing with your friends,
Then exercise to sweat at your home and shed these cells daily.
You will get your natural skin colour in two weeks.
Smooth bright skin. And bath afterwards these exercises routines. Usually works best in evening.
Secondly, Donāt use soap for now on your face. Use only once at max per day on face. Instead wash your face with rose water or scrub daily so that facial cells donāt get damaged from your soap wash when removing tan.
Racism
(deleted a joke rn)
Try adding nuts , seeds in your diet to and have vitamin C rich food like lemon or Amla juice (natural one) , and you can also add boiled eggs (if you donāt have any allergy or something from it) they have biotin and protein , good for your skin.
Best of luck for your plans and take care of diet . And buy sunscreen asap .
Donāt believe on chatgpt. You can consult doctor if you have oily skin bro. Without consultation donāt take any medicine or vitamin or anything.
Drink plenty of water itās in your hand.
When I was 6, I read or maybe listened somewhere that a person should drink 10 liters of water daily. After that, I became obsessed with water. Till now, I drink so much water that I stay overhydrated. Although itās a different case in school, where I get the urge to drink water (I have an addiction to drinking a lot of water every few minutesāat least 3ā4 times an hour), in school thereās a shortage of water, thatās why I have to stay without drinking it.
And some time ago (itās been a year), I got to know that overhydration can cause organ damage. Thatās why Iām trying to limit it too. Currently, Iām drinking it in the right quantityāmaybe a little moreābecause sometimes my urine is crystal clear due to overhydration.
As for vitamins, doctors do recommend them when I visit government hospitals. I have a severe deficiencyāmaybe thatās the reason why my height hasnāt increased much. But still, itās not bad. Despite having severe calcium deficiency from childhood, I still managed to get to 5.7 ft . Gonna get taller.
As for soap, I visited a medical store where the person showed me a Vitamin E, glycerine, and aloe vera soapābut that was a little out of my budget (I was short by 20 rupees, so I didnāt buy it). Thatās why I ended up purchasing Pears glycerine and lemon soap. Thanks for the advice
Bro, I donāt have any problems with jokesāinstead, I enjoy them. I wouldāve been glad if you had added that!
As for racismāhere, in my family (motherās side) and surrounding friends, everyone is just so handsome and beautiful. Even in my top condition, I look normal. Even in schoolātfāmy surroundings are full of beautiful faces, including my siblings.
My younger brother looks like a Britisherāhe had golden hair and brown eyes (which turned brown now), and my sister is so fair. Tbh, I donāt have any problem with how another person looks. I have a problem with myselfāthat I donāt fit in . Also, the most frustrating thing is, it would be better if I was completely black or white. I am neither. Instead, when I get tanned, I look reddish-brownishālike a dirty kid. Being in between is so bad
.
My father makes a shake of dry fruits. I drink that two times a day, daily (he was a pahalwan wrestler, so he makes a shake mix of almonds, walnuts, and figs and of many more other stuff. Thatās what I drinkāitās kept in the fridge in a big pot ). Itās not that tasty. Iāve been drinking it since childhoodāIām tired of it now. First, I drank it for 2 rupeesā temptation, then for 10 rupees. Now they donāt give anythingājust scoldings if I donāt drink it
.
Yes, I can check for Vitamin C. Iāll buy lemons and start drinking lemon water daily .
I have no money left for sunscreen. I spent it all on buying stuff, food, snacks, and roaming around . (Iām brokeāplease donate your kidneys to me so that I can sell them, Bhairatashri
). Thanks for the advice.
Bhai, haan, itās not bad if itās one even color. But hereāmy whole face turns red . I start looking dirty.
I was washing my face directly after coming back from outside every timeāwith Lifebuoy soap (I know TFM is low, but my father bought 50 soaps, as he always does. So instead of buying a good one, I used the free ones at home. But today morning, I finally used the last ounce of my money on Pears soap.)
I already sweat a lot outside. Whatās the need to sweat at home? Will it make any difference? Anyway, since you said so, Iāll conduct a second workout at home again.
I have oily skināa very oily one. I need to wash my face every time before going out. As for rose water, Iāll purchase it the day after tomorrow when I get some money from my uncles (momās brothers). Weāre visiting themāmy aunt invited us. Itās a perfect time to arrange some funds.
Thanks for the advice
Today I feel a mix of reflection and determination. Looking back over the past month, Iāve made some visible improvement in my NoFap journey. From 15 April till today, I relapsed on only 8 days. That means I was clean for 22 days ā thatās a big step forward for me. I even managed to hit a 7-day streak, my longest one so far, and my last streak before relapsing was 5 days. I was so close to hitting the 6th day, but I gave in.
What Iāve noticed is that most of my relapses happen late at night ā between 12:30 AM and 2:00 AM. I stay on my phone until it dies, and I eventually pass out from tiredness. This keeps happening because I havenāt been channeling my energy anywhere. Iām not doing anything productive these days. I even stopped running again. Although we made a plan to start on Friday, it just faded away after playing cricket on Saturday and football on Sunday. After that, neither I nor my friend made any effort to get back on track.
But instead of focusing on what I havenāt done, I want to start working on the solutions. The truth is, 5 days of NoFap while doing nothing is equal to maybe 2 meaningful days where I actually push myself ā mentally and physically. Thatās why people with shorter streaks sometimes show more growth than those with longer ones. Itās not just about the number of days; itās about what you do during those days.
I came up with a simple example: Imagine your full potential is 80, but youāre currently operating at 30. If your recovery or growth rate is 20% of your current limit every 10 days, youāre only recovering 6 points every 10 days. Itāll take a long time to reach your potential if you stay at that level. But if you challenge yourself daily ā push your limits physically with workouts and mentally by learning or even by playing games that make you think ā then your current limit starts to grow, and your recovery speed grows with it. Thatās when real progress happens. Thatās when you start becoming more than you ever thought you could be.
For me, thereās no such thing as a āprime.ā My goal is to be better than I was yesterday ā every single day. I want to enjoy this journey of self-growth.
Starting tomorrow, Iāll go running again in the morning. Iām also going to fix my sleep schedule and make sure Iām in bed by 10 PM every night. Iāll try to study my academics daily until I finish my syllabus, and if time allows, Iāll explore other things too.
I also want to start earning money. This month, Iāll try to find something online. If that doesnāt work, then in June, I might try asking for jobs at local factories. It will feel awkward and uncomfortable, but I know that stepping out and facing the real world will give me the experience and communication skills I need. Still, Iāll try online options first. If the outside job route doesnāt happen, it might be due to fear or shame ā something Iāll have to confront.
One day at a time. I know Iāll get there.
- Me