I think I can. Yes, I can.
It all started with me living on my own away from parents. Those prying eyes. Brief toilet moments. Knocking on the door if you keep it locked for too long. Asian parents. And when the time came that I had to live by myself, I ended up trying all things good and bad that I had been suppressed under their jurisdiction. It’s my fault actually, for not everyone abuses the freedom they gained, like I did. What I did was my responsibility, the consequences of which I am now suffering.
So, what did I do?
Watching porn progressively became a regular weekend activity from the start of my medical school. Sometimes, it spills into the early mornings on weekdays before going to school, when I should be reviewing my lessons. I became more and more ‘invested’ into this, and ended my sacrificing my GPA, social life, personal development, … everything just so that I could turn my autonomic nervous system on and off like a stupid little switch for my stupid little contentments … for hours on end. Monkeys can do that, they do so because they don’t know how NOT to. Their brains are not developed enough to make room for neural pathways which we humans use to inhibit and prolong instant gratification. I feel sick imaging myself as a monkey jerking off, in the midst of my med school textbooks and exams due in 2 days or so. Porn is making me stupid. It is eating away my sensitivities and sensibilities as a human being, which I have learned from education and society…
So what happens now? Now when someone asks me what are you reading recently, I have to make up answers. When my friends, parents ask me if I am doing fine, I have to make up answers. When my friends ask me (although they already know) if I passed the test, I have to make up answers. My whole life is fake and rotten, between those perfect answers I crafted to cover up, and the conditions inside my bedroom.
It’s because of me. Is this what I want? No! Then, change it. Everyday, become new and fresh and clean. Get things off your list and live life to the fullest!
Will update in a week’s time
I was able to white out all my sexual thoughts yesterday! Finally after 2 years!
However, a new problem arises — what should I do instead to cope with my stress? I have an important exam in 2 days and stress levels are going overboard. I felt like screaming. And crying because I couldn’t finish my studies. I ended up binging on YouTube for two hours after my dinner. I feel like I might binge on Instagram too if I could not stop. I also have a feeling that I might binge on snacks to deal with my stress. At 0.00 am, I started drawing some pictures ( I haven’t drawn for months ) and felt quite relaxed. I am going to draw more often as a coping mechanism for my stress.
Today, I will try to white out my impulses to watch YouTube or use Instagram. I will draw some pictures when my stress is high.
Do you guys have a good coping mechanism for stress?
For me…i decided whenever there will be a stressful moment i will do breathing exercises or listen songs but actually i can’t able to do that when that stressful situation arise…i ended up doing pmo…i think I’ve to quickly figure out a coping mechanism like you
I had both gains and losses this week.
- I wasn’t absent in any of the lectures.
- I discovered a study method that I’ll use from now on
- I blocked both sexual thoughts and actions
- It’s weekend now and I am about to fall into old habits. But I managed to stop them successfully. For the first time, I am going out with friends from a hobby group.
- I had a nervous breakdown two days ago, because I thought I failed a test. I was searching the lethal dose of aspirin and symptoms of aspirin toxicity.
- I slept so much this week that I could barely study at night. I lost about 12 hours of study time because of this.
- Had a discriminatory experience with one of my classmates, which left me doubtful of my self worth.
4th June, 2022
After reading your diary, I feel like you got this and soon you are going to overcome this. Keep Going and Have a good Rest of the day!!
Hi @wall-e ! I’m rlly touched that I could inspire u to do that! Wish u luck with it journey bro. We have a long way to go.