I met an outstanding, mesmerizing , breathtaking, loving and kindhearted woman. She deserves the best version of myself. I deserve the best version of myself. No escaping it anymore, this will require effort and dedication, and the outcome will be worthwhile. It is not a sacrifice, because I don’t really enjoy it, never did. It is escapism, it always was escapism by seeking a false sense of pleasure. It is just fake, and it goes instantly. It never was satisfying or fulfilling, enjoyable maybe but to be crushed and slammed into the wall of regret far outweighs that short lived moment. It always was a cycle because it is never easy but now I realise that the pain of not going through with that goal and living with the unbearable weight of shamefulness is far worse than any other crushing emotion. I don’t want this for my worst enemy so how can I let it happen for myself? Forward is the way, and it is the only way. No stopping is a necessity, a requirement. Failure looms behind my shadow, it is nigh with every turn and slowing down, if I stumble I will get caught, and i don’t want to get caught because I’m afraid I’ll stay forever in it’s shadow. I’m afraid I’ll get used to darkness until it becomes comforting to the point I’ll be blinded upon a sliver of dawn’s embrace. I want to embrace that dawn truely and I don’t want to risk being blinded by it, I want to see it in its full glory. I want to see that sunrise hand in hand with my beloved when the day comes and I can’t risk that shadow piercing my heart from behind when the time comes. I can’t risk leaking dark matter when I’m with her and covering her with the leakage of a wounded man with a shattered spirit. I just can’t risk a love song be spoiled with echoes of distant sorrows. I want to stand next to her like a conqueror rather than a defeated man. I’d rather be victorious than vanquished, prevailing rather than prevailed upon. I’ll let my future self guide me to befriend my present self into becoming the person he is and the person I will be, i just know that he is much resilient and wiser than me, because no one knows him like I do. I shall trace his trail and walk into his footsteps. I will step where his path once lay, knowing the hardship he faced and the unyielding nature of the road. Join me in this journey in fellowship, hand in hand until we go our separate ways. Forever changed by the odyssey.
It also struck me when I saw my profile that it’s been nearly a year for me since I joined this app…, so it makes it more than necessary and it is only fitting, I’ll try make it worthwhile
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