I know i am wrong

Ok so i have been reading a lot of rebooting articles and i have come to certain realizaions which doesnt seem possible to be correct so the title . Now heres what i have realised ,
I have been masturbating for 14 years and it has taken a toll on my body and mind . Here is some of those things that i think are related to pmo

  1. I can no longer look women in the eye. I feel guilty the moment i set my eyes on a women because i start to think how good or bad our sex would be . I will always rate them in my mind . Check them out to see if they are thick or got a great body. This is my normal and i’m ashamed of all this and thats why i cant look them in the eye.

  2. Whenever anything goes wrong or happens not according to me in my life i take refuge of PMO. And it always seemed to help . Atleast i felt better than before the deed was done and energy released . So there never was a day that i didnt needed pmo. Always , everyday i needed it . It was a need . It was normal . It was my normal and i kept entering that dark path without ever looking for light .

  3. Over the years my body has detoriated all because of one primary reason ( guess what, and i hope u get it right ) its pmo . Always , no matter what part or how bad the condition primary reason is pmo.
    3.1 I have gotten fat , in addition to pmo my eating habbits were not good and i stopped excercising . But see if i was not into pmo than i would have more energy to focus on my habbits and more will power to execute my plan, my routine . I didnt care how bad i looked or what waits for me in my future if i dont change things .
    3.2 i have started wearing lens and have been wearing them for the last ten years . Now i used to watch porm at night when i wont be disturbed, so imagine looking at cimputer screen from 10 cm distance everyday and finishing off . This is everyday and if i was unlucky that i was alone at home than that whole day . Just click, click, click,… And pmo drains the body of nutrition and with this came sleeping late and also eating snacks at night . It all adds up .
    3.3 lack of concentration hence poor performance in my studies. I failed in high school ( 12 board exams is a pretty bog deal in india ) this was like an suicidal situation. I still remember of not feeling to do anything the day results came out . I blamed my self for waisting time amd not concentratimg even when the exams Were close . I just wasn’t able to concentrate. I went to exams without even completing 50% of the syllabus. I had to repeat that year to get an admission in college. The worst thing is pmo never stopped. In college somehow the frequency of my pmo reduced a lot and i did well in college . I am lucky to atleast get some education in my college thanks to the tough regime there and living in a hostel made pmo not that convenient too. In this lockdown i tried to start studying again but i have failed miserably because i am back at pmo for the the last 3 years and so my concentration is back to bottom.
    3.4 i have joint pains and whenver i try to do some excercise my body just collapses. I have always tried to excercise because i’m always trying to loose my weight . But now i understand what stopped me from continuing . If u masturbate at night how can one perform at 100% efficiency the next day . And i have found numerous articles about many athletes not indulging in sex to perform better and now it makes sense to me .
    3.5 My hair is rescinding. I’m losing hair on a daily basis . I have already staryed to go bald partially at thr age of 28. At fucking 28. Mother fucker how the fuck does that happen . There is no reasonable explanation to this other than pmo . I used to have thick hair . Im jealous of my teenage days . Just impossible to loose that much hair in this short time .
    3.6 Now finally the last thing i blame on pmo. Bad stomach , as i said earlier i have bad eating habits and eating late at night. I have developed digestion problems . Some times i get diarrhea. Some times constipation. Its like share market . Maybe it also follows sensex idk. The thing is now it has gotten a lot worse and i belive that it will detoriate further before improving .

  4. I have insomnia most of the days and earlier i would just masturbate and than will feel sleepy . But now even that stopped helping . I have dark cicles unser my eyes. This problem has started to reduce and i have started to sleep well since 3 days . I found this as the best reward for not doing pmo. But i changed other habits too . I have stopped eating anything after 8 pm and stop using mobile after 9 pm. I also have started meditation ( not much success here but i dont expect it to improve till atleast one more month ) , its difficult to meditate with so much clutter in mind and my habit of getting involved with every thought that pops up in my mind.

I will keep writing here whenever i feel overwhelmed by this new life. I still get sexual thoughts but now i have gained certain edge on them by cutting it out at begining only . To all brothers who read till here i request to stay motivated and write your own experiences . I personally gain knowledge when i read about your problems and sometimes i stuboenat suggestions too. I have not yet helped anyone here woth any suggestions because i still dont have anything to suggest . If anyone want to help me with the process my companiyon code is ylm2qq.