I have a confession to make: I have started NoFap for more than a week ago, and I couldn’t even manage to get myself two days without fapping.
Even worse so, aside from the emptiness feeling that people normally have after masturbating, I also kinda have some traumas related to it. I actually was “introduced” to sex and sexuality in a not very welcoming manner, if I can say so. I actually got sexually abused around my 9 years old up until my 11~12 regularly by my neighbor’s son, who also claimed to do the same to some other neighbors’ kids of the street. And to this day, I never really got over it. And because of this, I never accepted fully my bisexuality and desires about other men, and this thing really hurts me after I finish masturbating to a gay porn. This even get to questioning myself regularly when i fap to straight porn if I’m really bi, even liking some types of girls and having the first crush on a girl.
I have a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, and the rememberence of it because I fapped days ago made my first time really excruciating after I finished, having a heavy breakdown. And he said he is afraid to do it again because of what happened, even though I wanted it.
Aside from that, these thoughts of the trauma, my sexuality, and the porn itself, (that makes me hard in the middle of the day even without I wanting to), really drains my mental self and makes the feeling of hopelessness that I usually have even worse.
Sorry for deviating a bit from fapping, but it really is a fundamental part of the problem, since I even managed to start NoFap, but failing ever since. (I also kind of wanted to express this trauma here, because to this day the only person who really knows about it is my boyfriend, and he really doesn’t know what to do about it, and I really want to avoid the subject with him, since it’s really hard to talk about even when he knows, and posting here gives me a bit more freedom to talk about it, and hopefully get some advice.)
Since I get triggered by both boys and girls, it’s really hard to distance myself from some things or sites/sites/servers without having to unintentionally seeing and arousing photo or drawing and slowly going to a porn site and eventually fap. After it the amusing curve goes from nice/okay to void, to feeling like shit, to really an error that would be better not even existing or with no real possibility of true happiness.
Really sorry for making the confession this long, and I’m really in need of some advices, tips and things of the sort, so tell me if you got any.