I just can't stop myself, and that really fucks me up in many ways

Confession
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I have a confession to make: I have started NoFap for more than a week ago, and I couldn’t even manage to get myself two days without fapping.

Even worse so, aside from the emptiness feeling that people normally have after masturbating, I also kinda have some traumas related to it. I actually was “introduced” to sex and sexuality in a not very welcoming manner, if I can say so. I actually got sexually abused around my 9 years old up until my 11~12 regularly by my neighbor’s son, who also claimed to do the same to some other neighbors’ kids of the street. And to this day, I never really got over it. And because of this, I never accepted fully my bisexuality and desires about other men, and this thing really hurts me after I finish masturbating to a gay porn. This even get to questioning myself regularly when i fap to straight porn if I’m really bi, even liking some types of girls and having the first crush on a girl.

I have a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, and the rememberence of it because I fapped days ago made my first time really excruciating after I finished, having a heavy breakdown. And he said he is afraid to do it again because of what happened, even though I wanted it.
Aside from that, these thoughts of the trauma, my sexuality, and the porn itself, (that makes me hard in the middle of the day even without I wanting to), really drains my mental self and makes the feeling of hopelessness that I usually have even worse.

Sorry for deviating a bit from fapping, but it really is a fundamental part of the problem, since I even managed to start NoFap, but failing ever since. (I also kind of wanted to express this trauma here, because to this day the only person who really knows about it is my boyfriend, and he really doesn’t know what to do about it, and I really want to avoid the subject with him, since it’s really hard to talk about even when he knows, and posting here gives me a bit more freedom to talk about it, and hopefully get some advice.)

Since I get triggered by both boys and girls, it’s really hard to distance myself from some things or sites/sites/servers without having to unintentionally seeing and arousing photo or drawing and slowly going to a porn site and eventually fap. After it the amusing curve goes from nice/okay to void, to feeling like shit, to really an error that would be better not even existing or with no real possibility of true happiness.

Really sorry for making the confession this long, and I’m really in need of some advices, tips and things of the sort, so tell me if you got any.

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First of all let go of the fear that people are going to judge you or your orientation. They judge everyone so don’t keep this variable in your equation. I am no expert in problems related to abuses of past, I myself was bullied a lot in the past. But I accepted it by thinking that it was me who let them bully me only if I could have gathered the courage to swing one punch on their face it would have stopped there and then. But all these things are subjective. I am not sure if you want to take a legal recourse against that person, so I’ll just assume that all this is your past and you are ready to move past all this. Keeping that thing aside, I would advise you to stop dwelling upon your past because you have a long life in front of you still left. The best way to take our minds off of such thoughts and memories is to immerse ourselves in our work. You must find something productive to do in life. You must be studying or working, set some extreme goals for yourself and go all in. Dont let your past overshadow your future. You have already lost a lot in your life you dont want to lose more. Decide how do you want your life to be. Try to achieve that goal and pull yourself out of your current situation and surroundings(if that is what you want).

How can NoFap help you-
NoFap will help you to decrease the fog in your brain and will help you to think straight. Once you are free from all these things pulling you back, you will start making better choices and they will lead you to a better life. It may also help you in deciding your actual orientation and pull you out of that constant confusion.

You deserve every good thing in life and we all are here to support you. Just stop dwelling in your past, whats done is done. Focus on what needs to be done.

Stay Strong brother.

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Ew, one of them gays on this forum?
No, I’m just kidding, that would be homophobic and wrong.
I think you actually addressed an important issue here: the fact that PMO isn’t itself the core problem, although it is a problem, but it’s a superficial cure for a shitty past and a shitty life, generally. Now I’m not saying you have a shitty life, I don’t know the first thing about you. But I am saying that if your life were perfect, you wouldn’t be fapping and feeling like crap later, or would be addicted to an easy kick of dopamine.
Bro, the fact that you’re bi is totally cool. It means that you have twice the more people to choose from, right? And yeah, what speak.aditya.asia said, people who wanna judge you will find a way to judge you. Sometimes they’re right, but they’re never right when it comes to your sexual preferences. Unless you’re into kiddies. Then you deserve for people to judge the everliving shit out of you.
So basically, try to accept your sexuality. It’s real. It exists. You can’t run away from it. Think about it, talk to people about it.
However, unlike speak.aditya.asia, I don’t think the right way forward is to ignore your past. It too is there, real, and it happened. You should carefully revise it, think about it, and then try to see what you can learn from it. That’s obviously easier said than done, but hey, you’re a courageous mofo, you wrote a very personal thing on a forum full of complete strangers, and there was a possibility, for all you knew, people could’ve told you you’re a freak and to go kill yourself. That was bold on your part.
I think there’s a lot of myth with NoFap that it’s this incredible cure, and if you stop PMOing, immediately your life will be better. That’s false. What’s not false is the sense of purity, of selfrespect, of awareness, confidence and gravity. You can’t have a bad, lazy life and stop PMOing. If you wanna NoFap, you gotta change your life around it. And that’s what makes the difference. Just not touching your privates won’t make people think you’re awesome. It’s everything that comes with it that counts.
Anyhow, it’s okay to be bi, it’s okay to be sexual, it’s okay to be aroused. Sex isn’t bad, it isn’t dirty, it can be quite incredible when had with a person you’re close with, so it’s important to differentiate between that and porn. If I were you, I’d try to have an honest conversation with your boyfriend.
Be honest about yourself and your past to the people you love, and learn from it as much as you can. That’s the way I see the world, and try to conduct myself in it.
Sorry for the long post. Hope I said something useful.

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In my eyes you know where the problem is and what caused it, and you even know what tirggers it, next thing is is fighting to find your inner that starts with small steps, let go of the past today is a new day which you get the chance to be free remember the horrible feelings and the laxk of ernegy that comes after you pmo, do you want to keep feeling that? Its all on your will you pick up your device and you go to the certain websites knowing the consequence and the out come of the pmo, you must gather all the will and strenght you have because believe or not humans can do alot when determined to do something, you can too you are just like everyone else don’t let the brain be the master because all this time you are the master you simply can not submit to lust you must refuse and take the will on your hands.
I suggest you join some begginer challenges here they are super fun and keep you motivated.
All the best

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We all have our own stories and traumas, and kudos to you for facing it and being honest with yourself.

That’s some pretty serious baggage to carry around. Myself, my biggest trigger for PMO is stress - I turn to porn to avoid dealing with the real things in my life, or simply as a temporary escape from my day to day difficulties. I do well when I keep myself distracted or find better ways to deal with my anxiety and stress.

If you have the opportunity, I strongly encourage you to find a therapist to help you deal with your complicated abuse in your youth. Trying to fight that alone is a long and difficult road.

I am on your side. Feel free to add me as a companion if you like.

04effb

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You sounds young, Porn and masterbation is not the only enjoyable thing available, There is many things to do, Fill your mind with other things and you will forget about porn.

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To say that I understand your struggle would be wrong. But I can see it was a horrible past. I just want to say don’t try to run away from it. Own it! If you try to run away, then you will probably end up in the wrong things, pmo is one of them. Own your story, but move on. Heal yourself, however you do it. Find someone you can trust, engage in any activity you like, find support in a community. I’m sure this community here will help you. They’re​ really supportive.
And about you being bi, that’s totally cool. Unless you live in a homophobic environment where you should be careful about that, I think most people nowadays don’t have problem with that. And why would they?

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Some of us are older and still stuck in the same trap.

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I have been through somewhat similar challenges. It’s all emotions, it’s all in head. Have taken CBT and started reading etc. Thankfully it’s not so painful and difficult now.

My sharing code is 29d44d

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