I used to draw, but I found myself more attracted to manga/anime style characters than real life women. I enjoyed the beauty of anime style characters, boys even more than girls.
This was really confusing because I was a Christian. I didn’t want to think I had an unnatural attraction. I quit drawing. I was 20 years old. I quit reading sexual manga and stayed away from hentai on the internet for years, but I have always had trouble with masturbation. My visual imagination is really strong.
I’ve falling back into hentai over the years. I feel like I have a lot of weird emotional issues. The cute anime characters are like a weird emotional catharsis for me. When I watch stuff like that I tend to feel like I am the character and get to feel like something attractive, beautiful and pure. I think it may have something to do with growing up with a weight problem and some mild autism, never liked myself physically or as a person. I have hardly any attraction to real people, little more than curiosity.
I feel mad at God, like he made me defective. I don’t think that’s totally right though because when I was in my early teens I had a normal attraction to girls. I have never been abused, but I had emotional abandonment issues from my teens through my 20s, even if it was all in my head.
I have felt the need to go back to drawing for over a decade now, and I guess I couldn’t really get any more messed up than I already am. I’m not really sure how to fix what’s wrong with me. I have good friends, a good family, and some faith, but know one knows all this stuff about me.
I feel like I need to get better, but I’m bitter, resentful to God and the world. I feel cheated. I have never been able to get over any problem without thinking it through in detail, but I have no idea what to do with these feelings. I have an emotional need to pursue beauty, that’s the artist in me, but I feel like it pulls me deeper into this weird attraction. I’ve never been able to escape these feelings, the artistic interest, or the lust attached to it.
Lately my porn use has gotten worse. I feel drawn to find more extreme stuff, my curiosity keeps pulling me in. How do I fix what’s wrong with me, and how do I motivate myself to change when I almost don’t want to.