I am tired - Exhaustion from fighting urges

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To be honest, i have been struggling so much to stay on track and today i just feel tired. I am just exhausted of this constant fight against urges and the ever present threat of relapse. I am just exhausted. I just dont feel like fighting on.

The main thing keeping me from relapse is the fact that i have made very strong measures to prevent myself from watching ■■■■ (including leaving some devices at work, blocking sites, parental controls to which i have no access etc. ) but otherwise i feel like without that i would be deep in it right now.

I sincerely hope that i will be able to get over this feeling…i am just exhausted.

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Thank you for opening up and sharing this — truly. What you’re feeling right now is heavy, and real, and I want you to know: you are not alone in this. The exhaustion, the frustration, the loneliness of the battle… it’s valid. It’s okay to be tired. You’re human. Even the strongest get weary.

Fighting urges day after day, dragging yourself forward through the noise in your mind — it takes an incredible amount of strength. And it’s easy to forget just how strong you are because you’re still here, even when every part of you wants to give up. That fight? The one that’s invisible to everyone else? It’s real. It’s brutal. And you’re still choosing not to give in.

Those measures you put in place — the devices at work, the parental controls, the locked-down systems — that’s not weakness. That’s wisdom. That’s you saying, “I care enough about my future, about my recovery, to build walls where I might fall.” That is not weakness. That is power. That’s commitment in its purest form.

But let me say this clearly: you are not a machine, and you don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to hold everything together on your own. Exhaustion is not failure. Wanting to give up doesn’t mean you have. What matters is that spark — the hope you still dare to hold onto when you say, “I sincerely hope I’ll get over this feeling.”

That hope? That’s everything. That’s your heart saying: There’s something better waiting for me on the other side of this.

So rest if you need to. Cry if you need to. Yell, pray, write — whatever it takes. You’ve been holding on so tightly for so long — maybe now it’s time to be held a little. By faith. By love. By the truth that this darkness will pass. It always does, even when it feels endless.

You are not broken. You are not weak. You are in a fight for your soul, and every single day you’ve chosen not to give up — that is sacred. That is heroic.

You’re doing something incredibly hard, and you are still here.

Please, keep going. Not because it’s easy, but because you matter. Because healing is possible. And because the person you’re becoming through all this pain — they’re going to be so proud of you for not letting go. :heart:

I’m here whenever you need to talk.

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:100: for what @FaithfulWalker said (as always).

This.

I will try to be exact with my advice, and what I know for fact:

What will you think in 3 months time if you do not give up? Imagine the pure joy. The pure happiness. The ability to actually LIVE! I have been there before, and am now there now. Literally existing brought and now brings me joy. Imagine that. Yes life still is life, with its challenges, but just seeing the sun or breathing in air feels better than any PMO - once I left it. Once I had healed. I am still on this journey, but I can tell you now: KEEP ON GOING!! :flexed_biceps::flexed_biceps:. And I now have the strength in me to face life too.

What if you give up? What if there’s a “one more time”?. My best piece of advice, is that there is no such thing as a “one last time”. After that one there will be another, and another. “The day” when you quit otherwise will not come, unless you choose now. Keep on going, and reach freedom. Freedom is not won on its own. It is won.

If you are pushing through hell, keep going.

This fatigue is a necessary evil. It is less torturous than having to go through all this again. Surely, being tired is better than being in the clutches of PMO! Grit your teeth, keep on pushing, be persistent, and you will succeed. One foot in front of another. a mountain is climbed through, well, climbing. Climbing takes strength and effort.

But for a fact: the view from the top is incredible.

Keep going :flexed_biceps:. I am by your side, always. Just DM me.

A final word of encouragement: if you are fatigued, your body will adjust. If you keep on going, it will pass. It will pass, if you pass it :right_facing_fist:. It is all mental, and you clearly have it in you. I was in exactly your position a few months ago. I just had to keep on going, THIS time.

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@FaithfulWalker
@Sampanyo
Thank you for the encouragement, some days feel very horrible.
It helps to know that what i am feeling is not something that is unheard of in this community. I still remain faithful to the primary reason why i started this journey, which was to unlock the best version of myself for myself, my wife and son. That keeps me going in the face of such hardship.

The need for perfection is something that i struggle with and i am slowly coming to terms with the fact that not all days will be triumphant as i will them to be.

Another realisation that i have come to (which i repeatedly come to and seem to forget) is that i can never achieve this goal without faith and help from above. I am inconsistent in my devotion and prayer, that is something that i am working on. When you mentioned this i immediately remembered that i had not read the bible or prayed in the 3 days leading to this very difficult day. So for sure i attribute some of this to a waning spirit that needed feeding. I have immediately taken corrective measures and i am back on my bible reading and prayer plan.

This resonates with me so much because as tired as i am, i realize that things were so much worse in every conceivable way when i was dependent on PMO. As tired as i am, i realise that there is some form of progression towards something positive. What i am just a little bummed out about is the fact that i got up to 140is days last time and yet i still managed to fall back down, and even then, the urges were less intense but they still existed. So does it ever end? Is it a lifetime battle? I dont know that i have the strength to fight for the rest of my life. But that being said, i know i have to do what it takes.

What i am focusing on doing now is making my access to ■■■■ almost impossible, because for me, without it, MO is not really an issue. My various safeguards are the reason i was able to make it through the despair of last night.

I also am extremely grateful to both of you and this community in general, the isolation and shame and stigma associated with this issue makes everything worse. Its great to have a listening ear and this kind of excetional encourageement.

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:100:. This community is incredible and will lift you up. Just be involved bro we will always have your back. We struggle (though, as the days go on and on, less and less) so we see it as our duty.

[quote=“Mowealth, post:4, topic:94666”]
This resonates with me so much because as tired as i am, i realize that things were so much worse in every conceivable way when i was dependent on PMO.
[/quote]. To answer your question of “are you ever free” - it helps me to look past this, and think instead: “is my life better - am I stronger and better for those around me - am I more whole”. With every day clean (especially days with workouts etc, which actively fight PMO in my experience), you and I are more and more this way. We become stronger. We become more whole in of ourselves. From my experience: I don’t only experience happiness, but whole hearted joy too, just through living. We become better, and better to a point where we may as well be free. Will you ever be wealthy enough to never work? Probably not, but we don’t mind about that, we work and we live. Like getting a stronger career, we get stronger. You just get used to it, and move on up :flexed_biceps:. Don’t despair.

Another perspective: you have 2 options: do not struggle, and fall deeper and deeper into the pit of PMO and live like that,
or struggle, and at least struggle - there is honour and valiance in trying. Be valiant. You already are being so.

Things get better. A mountain is not climbed without effort, and pride comes before a fall: be diligent and remain humble and don’t underestimate PMO, but know that you are FAR, FAR stronger than it, if you choose to use that strength :flexed_biceps:. You always have a choice. Fight with all your might and you will win to the point where PMO is not a problem. Why fear if you trust yourself bro :right_facing_fist:. We will be by your side :right_facing_fist:.

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