How I Fell From 175 Days Clean noPMO

Confession
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Hey everyone,

So yeah, I’m back after a long absence. I want to start off this post by saying I sincerely apologize to all my companions here for up and disappearing. Originally I stopped coming on the forum because there were lots of people to talk to and I didn’t have the time to respond to everyone at once. I had just gotten a new job in construction, building houses in my area, and had just started the next semester of my Computer Science program. So I have been appropriately busy, but it is no excuse for my long absence. I should have just let you guys know I was busy and responded to people when I had time, and additionally kept up my daily journal.

Instead I got lazy with my time off. And as I stayed off the forums for longer and longer, it became easier to put it off. I told myself it would happen later. But that mentality is always foolish, in fact, it’s what got us into this addiction, always putting off sobriety for later.

Now, I shouldn’t be surprised that for a good month or maybe more, I was able to stay clean without any support, the techniques I’ve used to get me to that point are no less effective than they were before I relapsed. And I will continue to use those techniques and strategies I had before I relapsed.

My problem wasn’t the actions I took, it was the actions I didn’t take that led to my failure.

In my rise to success (something that was completely new to me) I became complacent. I had “made it.” And while I wouldn’t admit such things out-loud, and maybe I wasn’t even aware of it at all, I had a belief that the worst of it was over and that less action was needed for this stage of recovery. And while I might not have thought I believed such things, my very action of leaving the forum spoke for me.

But see this is where I was deceived, and I hope all of you brothers out there take caution, I thought that my inaction was a neutral stance. In so as to say that not being on the forum and not working towards my recovery was not helping me, but wasn’t hurting me either. But this is wrong.

##Inaction is the same as negative action. To not fight for our recovery is the same as living a life of PMO. There is no in-between, there is no gray area. There is only black and white.

Now this may seem like an overgeneralizing statement, but let me explain, I mean this in a specific way.

This is the exact reason why we say, “edging is basically a relapse”. It’s not that edging is a relapse, but that edging in almost all cases leads to relapse. Once you decide not to put your all into staying clean, then you will relapse. Because as addicts, we are always going to be attracted to the negative side of things, we are always going to be pulled back into the cycle, unless we actively push against such things.

So this is not to say that not reporting in on the forum is instantly a relapse, and the same goes for edging, you may edge once and pull it back together. But the idea I’m getting at is that our actions speak to our motives. They speak to our heart and our will to be free and clean. If we are actively choosing inaction over positive action, then we are actively choosing to, at some point, relapse.

And this was the lesson I learned the hard way.

This is my first time writing a post in awhile and I feel that my thoughts are jumbled, so I may have more to say in the future. I apologize if this post is a little out of sorts.

And again, I am sincerely sorry to all my companions. Hopefully you may forgive me. I can already see that a lot has changed since I last was here, so I hope that many of you are still active. We can do this guys! Don’t take my relapse nor Forerunner’s as a sign of defeat. There is merely more to learn.

Life is a messy subject.

Future Plans

So I also want to notify everyone that I will try to respond to all who have messaged me since I left, but I’m putting in a plan for measured time on the forum because my schedule is still busy. First and foremost I will always post a journal every night, but I may not respond to anyone until later.

But now that I am on spring break and the corona virus made all my classes online, I may have more time than before. I’ll keep you guys updated.

Also a special thanks to @Forerunner for sticking with me through this while I was outside the forum and working through my relapse with me. Your motivation and companionship has kept me in this fight since the beginning, and continues to do so.

@Positivebloke @CM2018 @bobm @Aragorn @anon67854825 @staybusymymotto @Adioz @tuku @Rohitash and more…

If I didn’t mention you specifically, please don’t think I don’t consider you my companion, I love you all, but I can only mention so many.

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Spring is just starting. As all the birds and plant life awakens, also we humans come out of the winters passive cycle and the life force kicks back in. Now is the best time to jump on this planets grace as our fertility gets boosted with the rising temperatures. Keep your streak, and grow actively as you said, and you will experience an even much more fruitful Awakening. Early summer is meant to be the time of procreation, and retaining this life force will nourish you into the depths of your true self. Be aware of this process.

Stay strong.

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So good to have you back, @Special_Bird!

I had some struggles the last weeks, too, and I am trying to get back on track.

Together, we will win!

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@Special_Bird
So glad to have you back here brother. We’ve really missed you. Never leave us again. You are one of the core members of this community. You have always inspired us. Would love to read your daily journals. Stay awesome!

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Welcome back bro! :tada:
It’s been a while talking to you!
I totally understand your reasons for not staying up on the forum. I did the same thing for similar reasons & ended up relapsing too.
We feel like we can continue on our own from that point, when we hit the high streaks. But it really starts going downhill from that point.

I once came across this youtube video from a channel called ‘better ideas’. In that he says that your current act decides what your next action is going to be.
Every action is followed by it’s execution, then reward, & the reward serves as motivation for more action. & Repeat.
This sounds vague, but is actually a strong concept.
Works with each & every behavioural pattern we follow.
So when you do some kind of action, even if it as simple as having a shower. It actually decides what your next action should be. Then slowly, it becomes a loop, then a habit, & starts growing. Either Uphill or Downhill.

What we did was kind of similar.
We chose to procrastinate our on the forum & moved to having lazier ways of spending those little free times we get. Action feeds your next action. So,
It became a loop…
And a habit. Then went downhill right to the point we used to be before. To the Relapse.
The sad thing is that we understand the value of this forum only when we relapse.

PMO addiction is like a disease. We can cure it. But that doesn’t mean we won’t have it again. We need to maintain our health in order to stay safe from it.
We are not here to free ourselves from the habit once & for all.
We are here to develop a habit of freeing ourselves from it everytime we get an attack of getting back to it. So we need to follow our strategies, throughout our lives. It gets easier & easier to do the strategy & stay free from PMO. But we still need to keep practicing & not feel like we don’t need it anymore when it becomes totally easy at some point.

People who go to the gym regularly do not stop going to the gym once they get a ripped & muscular body they desired. They won’t go “Ohh now that I have abs now I need not come to the gym anymore!”
They eventually lose all muscle & become unhealthy again when they quit. But that doesn’t mean that going to the gym is a difficult task to them as it used to be on their day 1.
Going to the gym & exercising though becomes an easy task for them which they can take for granted. But it helps them alot in maintaining what musculature they have built.
Same goes with the forum.

Sometimes I feel like there’s more bad in the world than good. There are countless things on the internet which tend to drag us to that pit again.
Those people are thriving while getting us hooked to them, destroying countless lives & earning from it so coldly. Where is human kind going to, really?

I look forward to speaking to you once again on a daily basis. Like we used to!
Our conversation seems to have had stopped at some point when we both went offline.
Let’s just start a fresh one…
See you soon at “Check-in” Daily - diary challenge!

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Truly, spring means a new beginning. It is time to make the most of it and change things for the better.

Wise words brother, thank you :pray:

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Thank you bro! Glad to be back as well and seeing you all again. We can do this together, let’s get back in the fight :muscle:

Hope all is well with you otherwise!

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Thank you man! That means a lot to me for you to say that. I definitely won’t be leaving again, you have my word. That was a mistake I never want to make again.

Hope you are doing well!

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Exactly my thoughts brother, well said! This addiction takes lifelong vigilance and conciousness of our actions and current behavior. It takes knowing yourself to a level we have not previously experienced and many will not experience in their time on Earth. It’s excruciatingly difficult sometimes, to get back up from such failures, but truly, the reward is great and well worth it. It is sad that many will never choose to pursue that, and that some choose to encourage and entice destructive behavior. Where humanity is going, I don’t know, but maybe this is the way humanity has always been and always will be.

Yes bro! The conversations truly did seem to die off when we both were off the forum. But let’s revive that for real this time, I miss those discussiones we used to have too!

Yes let’s; see you over there!

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Sorry for being the guy that just posts on your threat when a relapse happens… either way:

“The cure for this affliction is the aggressive pursuit of a great life”. - Craig Perra

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Let’s do it bro. This time again we’ll do it together. I’ll keep watch on you daily :slight_smile:

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Nah bro, you’re not that guy to me. I appreciate the support man, I’m sorry I didn’t mention you in the companions list by the way, I couldn’t add anymore.

But truly, that quote is 100% correct! This journey takes truly pursuing a life well-lived, and in that a greater understanding of ourselves ensues. This is just another step in this understanding. I have to be more rigorous and passionate in my approach this time around.

Thank you man, I appreciate it.

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Yes brother! I sincerely apologize as well for leaving you in the dark for so long. That was not right of me and I know that I should have been there to support you. I hope you will forgive me for that.

Let’s do it this time bro, for real. How you been doing lately?

Btw, I’ll get to your old messages soon here when I get the chance.

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No bro. You helped me all the time by not relapsing. Your streak always kept me inspired :slight_smile:

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Very true brother! Exactly, swinging in the middle is very dangerous and that is much of what I think I have realized as well during this time.

Ah yes that is true about dependency, although I think this journey definitely requires much social support. Relying on it solely however is a dangerous move.

Definitely, this is how I’m approaching this relapse, as something new I needed to learn. It is what it is.

Thank you for the reply brother, hope all has been well with you!

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Thank you brother :pray: Now we can both inspire each other once again :slightly_smiling_face:

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There is NO difference between Day 1 or 1000

We must be VIGILANT at all times

1 PEEK can bring us to relapse no matter what day we are on

There is no word “REST”

Rest only happen when we SLEEP and PRAY

Besides these two activities, we must be VIGILANT

There is no phrase “AUTOMATIC MODE”

We will always in “MANUAL MODE”

Nofap is PASSIVE action

Don’t expect results from NOFAP

Because…

Over time the benefits we have been waiting for become UNCONSCIOUS

but hope for ACTIVE action: Eat well, fasting, reading, etc.

At that time we will find nofap will SUPPORT our activities

That is to say, passive action SUPPORTS active action

The last, THE TRUE REST will occur after we exhale last

And then, we meet Our GOD, and see GOD’S FACE

That is THE ULTIMATE REST, ETERNAL REST.

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