So yeah, I’m back after a long absence. I want to start off this post by saying I sincerely apologize to all my companions here for up and disappearing. Originally I stopped coming on the forum because there were lots of people to talk to and I didn’t have the time to respond to everyone at once. I had just gotten a new job in construction, building houses in my area, and had just started the next semester of my Computer Science program. So I have been appropriately busy, but it is no excuse for my long absence. I should have just let you guys know I was busy and responded to people when I had time, and additionally kept up my daily journal.
Instead I got lazy with my time off. And as I stayed off the forums for longer and longer, it became easier to put it off. I told myself it would happen later. But that mentality is always foolish, in fact, it’s what got us into this addiction, always putting off sobriety for later.
Now, I shouldn’t be surprised that for a good month or maybe more, I was able to stay clean without any support, the techniques I’ve used to get me to that point are no less effective than they were before I relapsed. And I will continue to use those techniques and strategies I had before I relapsed.
My problem wasn’t the actions I took, it was the actions I didn’t take that led to my failure.
In my rise to success (something that was completely new to me) I became complacent. I had “made it.” And while I wouldn’t admit such things out-loud, and maybe I wasn’t even aware of it at all, I had a belief that the worst of it was over and that less action was needed for this stage of recovery. And while I might not have thought I believed such things, my very action of leaving the forum spoke for me.
But see this is where I was deceived, and I hope all of you brothers out there take caution, I thought that my inaction was a neutral stance. In so as to say that not being on the forum and not working towards my recovery was not helping me, but wasn’t hurting me either. But this is wrong.
##Inaction is the same as negative action. To not fight for our recovery is the same as living a life of PMO. There is no in-between, there is no gray area. There is only black and white.
Now this may seem like an overgeneralizing statement, but let me explain, I mean this in a specific way.
This is the exact reason why we say, “edging is basically a relapse”. It’s not that edging is a relapse, but that edging in almost all cases leads to relapse. Once you decide not to put your all into staying clean, then you will relapse. Because as addicts, we are always going to be attracted to the negative side of things, we are always going to be pulled back into the cycle, unless we actively push against such things.
So this is not to say that not reporting in on the forum is instantly a relapse, and the same goes for edging, you may edge once and pull it back together. But the idea I’m getting at is that our actions speak to our motives. They speak to our heart and our will to be free and clean. If we are actively choosing inaction over positive action, then we are actively choosing to, at some point, relapse.
And this was the lesson I learned the hard way.
This is my first time writing a post in awhile and I feel that my thoughts are jumbled, so I may have more to say in the future. I apologize if this post is a little out of sorts.
And again, I am sincerely sorry to all my companions. Hopefully you may forgive me. I can already see that a lot has changed since I last was here, so I hope that many of you are still active. We can do this guys! Don’t take my relapse nor Forerunner’s as a sign of defeat. There is merely more to learn.
Life is a messy subject.
So I also want to notify everyone that I will try to respond to all who have messaged me since I left, but I’m putting in a plan for measured time on the forum because my schedule is still busy. First and foremost I will always post a journal every night, but I may not respond to anyone until later.
But now that I am on spring break and the corona virus made all my classes online, I may have more time than before. I’ll keep you guys updated.
Also a special thanks to @Forerunner for sticking with me through this while I was outside the forum and working through my relapse with me. Your motivation and companionship has kept me in this fight since the beginning, and continues to do so.
If I didn’t mention you specifically, please don’t think I don’t consider you my companion, I love you all, but I can only mention so many.