Chad move
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My life wasn’t bad before I found the magic of ■■■■, but at one certain point it started going downhill and I was maybe 10 and I didn’t have the wisdom to cope. ■■■■ used to compensate for the lack of social life and healthy relations with people.
Now, 23 years later I’m still recovering.
But at my current state I feel more confident in myself. And wiser and more mature.
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I’ll be honest, I did not encounter these stuffs randomly but rather deliberately initiated myself into it. Though differences between both lives are stark.
When I was 12-13 maybe, till that time life was beautiful. I was people’s favourite, very outgoing, 24/7 happy soul. I was the tallest, and easily the most handsome boy in my entire area, by miles (in my age group). I was a very bright student, right from LKG to half yearly of my 9th standard, I was always in top 3, always. Everyone desired to be around me, to be called my friend and what not. I won’t say anything about my experience with girls though, since I come from a sort of conservative family with traditional values. It was always hard for me to talk to girls. Even in school, though it was co-ed for name, and girls always outnumbered us, there was a lot of scrutiny and strictness. We were made to sit in different rows based on gender, not allowed to talk to each other (surveillanced via cctv camera 
) and if someone ever talked, they were adjudged to be of bad character and others were told not to engage with them.
Around that age, I got to read that chapter on reproduction, and it sparked the curiosity about female body inside me. Movies, television, and changing attire of average girls was not helping either. And then I found an adult novel from somewhere which though a spy novel, had vivid portrayal of these stuffs and female body in detail. Puberty had hit me recently and I started getting urges to do it. Around this same time, I got in bad company, thinking those guys were cool. They’d often talk about pmo and I was unable to understand it tbh, but I listened to them. Then I began searching for such pictures via internet using multimedia phone (till 2011, I was not aware of smartphones). Once I went with one of these guys to cyber cafe and there I saw my first p. Still it was not till late 2011 that I learned about M and O, and tbh first time I was confused at what it is. This time was also marked by sort of loneliness since my brother had left for his college, rest of family busy in themselves, no friends around and absolutely no support in school. Then loss of my both dogs, my grandmother and grandfather made it worse, and I began using internet for bad things. Got my brother’s old laptop and then my first smartphone and I only went downhill from there.
So by 16, my life had changed so much that I failed in 11th. I lost any so called friends or any other social connection outside my home. The social ridicule and shame was so much that I gradually withdrew from the society and became socially inept. Of course, my growth had stopped at 15 because ofy poor dietary and behavioral habits and I ended up being a guy of average height. My face was destroyed with flurry of acne, pimples and blackheads, many of which left permanent marks. My mental health deteriorated badly and I was severely depressed. Of course this all affected my health too, and my face swole up, I started losing hairs and by 17-18, I looked 24-25. Since then, things have never been the same for me. Of course I’ve had periods of resurgence and downfall, eg, in 2019 when my mental health improved, I suddenly became very studious, confident and handsome again. I even began to look 16-17 at 23, which was ridiculous LOL. But that was just for 2-3 years. Right now , at 28, I look well into my early 30’s, I still have nit achieved anything of value and am still an embarrassment.
My life changed upside down and what would I not give to get back where I was 16 years ago from today.
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