Hocd/depression/anxiety also questioning who i am as a person, just need opinions and some advice(TRIGGER WARNING!)

So im gonna start this off by saying that im a 16, about to be 17 year old male.

I would also really apreciate if anyone reads this/posts their opinions on my situation.

But to understand my story you are going to have to know some backstory.

Up until the age of 9 i lived in Croatia, and then moved to Sweden as a cause of my fathers actions.

At the time (2014) my dad used to drink a lot and wasnt mentally in a good spot. So my mom took me and my sister to Sweden.

And to be quite honest at the begining i thought it was going to be a happy spot for me just like Croatia, but it wasnt.

And i remember going through traumatic shit at the time, my mother was an alcohol abuser, my sister was going through a mental breakdown, and my grandma in Sweden was mentally unstable, i had no friends in school or outside and i was getting bullied.

All i dreamt about was to go back to Croatia and live a happy life with my friends, and for my mother/father to be alright.

Up until 2016 when i moved schools (thats around the time i kinda got friends/started being the popular kid in school and stopped being bullied).

But my dad was still an alcohol abuser, along with my mother. And my sister was having mental issues (anxiety, depression etc.)

But in the porn aspect of this until 2016 i had gone from PMO-ing to women with big tits that i would see on the Croatian newspapers as a kid or my teachers tits to some weird breast expansion fetish porn. This started around like 2015 and i would PMO multiple times a day. Then i also started PMO-ing to kagaku na yatsura ( a tentacle hentai), and incest porn/stomach expansion porn. But at the same time i was really attracted to the female body and could get an errection easily to girls.

The rest of the years until 2018 went about like this, although i had a crush in 6th and 7th grade on a girl called jasmina, and a big crush at that.

But in 2018 during the summer (my dad was still drinking at the time), i had gotten very stoned and for the first time in my life experienced anxiety.

After that my mental state went for the worse. but however i did not have any thoughts of intercourse with a man yet.

However in 2018 november ish i had gotten stoned home alone and found myself getting extremely horny and wanting to suck a dick (as a woman), what i have later realized is that my anxiety/depression impacts how much of this shock porn i watch, i will later explain more on this.

But anyhow that day i had jerked off to the thought of being a girl and also found my sisters strap on and i think put it close to my ass but then instantly got rid of it as i realized that this wasnt me, and im not writing “i realized this wasnt me” because i would be ashamed of being bi or anything like that, i just think that its simply my anxiety, low self esteem i have gotten over the years, isolation and porn ADDICTION.

After i did this however during the same trip my world came crashing down and i had extreme anxiety for around a week or two from what i remember.

But the anxiety/depression didnt end there, they perseveered until the summer of 2019 when i moved back to Croatia.

But before i moved back i also tried to suck my own dick, where i also asked myself like the fuck am i doing.

But were gonna skip forward a little bit now, I moved back to Croatia because my dad got sober, and i always wanted to live there so you know it just happened.

Which i was really happy about. When i moved down there the “bisexual” thoughts i had gotten when i was high and anxious/depressed had subsided a lot and i honestly dont recall jerking off to the thought of being a woman or sucking a dick for a long time after that.

2019 goes by, and in that year i had gotten a lot of crushes on more girls, and frequently jerked off to “normal porn”, aka the usual teenage bullshit big ass page on instagram or some big ass compilation.

2020 comes rolling in and i remember jerking off to nudes i had gotten like a savage (female nudes).

And then my aunt dies (fathers sister) and he starts drinking again, leaving me alone at our apartment for weeks on end, basically killing himself drinking.

I felt mentally like shit, would just sit at home and play games, eat shit and jerk off, and in this time frame i had started jerking off to the thought of being a girl again, specifically ts porn.

Then i moved back to Sweden, which was in retrospect a good decision obviously but i felt like shit mentally.

I was back with my mother and sister, of which my mother was still drinking and smoking weed sometimes but my sister was kinda ok (although she also felt like shit because of the stuff we had to go through with both of our parents drinking and being mentally abusive).

To specify when i moved back it was november of 2020, and the next months flew by, i had my leg surgery which i was really anxious about. and all the while my father was in his restaurant drinking and basically killing himself.

it was just overall very sad and depressing, i recall him not calling us for my mothers birthday, or christmas/newyear. And my father sober is a great man but im gonna stick to the porn addiction subject.

Around January 2021 i had started school in Sweden and got a huge crush on this chick called Lia in my class.

But i also went out with a dude i knew from class (around february 2021) and got a boner to the thought of sucking a dudes dick i saw in public, this had never happened to me before and hasnt happened since, but at the time i was filled with anxiety even outside of that thought, and in the months prior (january 2021) had a panic/anxiety episodes very frequently and was very depressed. There was legitimately a three week period that i could not go outside because of the anxiety and couldnt fall asleep because of the ringing in my ears, aswell as just crying out of nowhere.

But anyhow on the bus ride home from the place where i got the thought of sucking this dudes dick, my mind told me something along the lines of “you are a sissy you must submit to sucking dick”, i was very anxious and in retrospect that heart wrenching feeling of anxiety probably made me think it was something genuine that my mind was telling me. And that same night when i came home i searched up gay porn for the first time, and by the way i can not watch anal gay porn. Stricly blowjob gay porn as it in my opinion fits into the porn escalated fetish of wanting to be a girl and give a man a blowjob ( at the begining of this fetish i wanted to experience what tits/ass were like as they just looked jiggly/nice to me). But anyhow when i turned a random ass gay blowjob video on my mind was on fire, i literally felt like my mind had frozen because of the anxiety that in my eyes at the time looked like attraction, as well as getting to the next level of escalation which gave my mind a huge dopamine hit.

And i jerked off to this shit along with my r34 shit for the next couple of months until i had gone to Croatia for the summer.

But before i talk about summer 2021 i want to let it be known that right after i turned 16, (may 16 2021) i had some friends over and chicks, and this was the first time in my life i was about to have a sexual experience. And i got extremely horny for the girls, i mean the second the wrapped her arm around me i got hard as a rock. (didnt fuck because the girls lied about their age and were very drunk)

The summer roles on and i hookup with a couple of chicks during the summer (didnt fuck), but i loved the pure ecstacy i was in when a girl grabbed my hands, we went out somewhere and kissed/cuddled each other. Also got rock hard from this.

Another interesting thing to note is that during the summer i practically had no bi thoughts, it was only when i jerked off but never in real life.

Winter 2021 roles on and i feel depressed as shit as i have to go back to Sweden.

and back i go on the porn and video games, from like august 18th 2021 to 10th february 2022. Literally PMO-ing around maximally 10 times a day, if not more when i would do my gaming sessions until 10am from the day prior at 6pm.

For the first 3 months of my return i didnt go to school whatsoever, would just sit at home be depressed, not go outside with friends, jerk off, workout and play games.

my dad came around christmas, but i was too preoccupied with being a nolife on the computer to spend time with him, but when he came i kinda got to terms with the fact that i am going to live in Sweden for the next 3 years and wasnt as depressed about it.

But i was still PMO-ing insane ammounts, and just to put some things into context it wasnt only bi porn, MY ESCALATION WENT AS THIS:


But to get back to sweden in 2022, i had jerked off to gay porn so much that my mind wanted me to go out and suck a dick, this was after my dad left as i used PMO as a coping mechanism. But thankfully i didnt act on it. Instead i went into self improvement after my computer died, started reading, meditating, eating good, taking training more serious, journaling and taking cold showers. Aswell as trying to get on nofap but unsucessfully.

But in the past month my gay porn use has gone down a lot, and my porn use in general has gone down a lot.

I mean i just today failed a 6 day streak (the longest for probably like 5-10 years).

I failed this because i had gotten a thought of sucking dick on the same bus that i had first gotten it and today in school browsed bbc reddit like a dumbass until i couldnt hold it in anymore and just busted a nut, and then 3 more at home. But what i have realized when im horny sucking dick it isnt like a normal horny, its anxiety filled horny.

its uncontrollable anxiety filled “horny” to be precise. and in the past week i have told myself ok lets say you are bisexual, aswell as just reminding myself that its anxiety which is making me feel horny and this kinda kills the boner.

Also have to mention that i have a lot of symptoms of HOCD and have quite severe OCD whenever i am depressed/anxious.

an example of my hocd would be that i am scared that im gay after i look at a dude at the gym, or that someone i know is gay, or for example what happened yesterday at the gym i was in a room doing lunges, and a dude was there and in my mind i was like omg what if this dudes gay?, am i gay for looking at him.

Overall i know i just have to stay off PMO, and i will try to do that but i would like to have the opinion of others :D!

Also to make some other points known, i do not care to tell my family that i am bi, in the case that i am bisexual. However for my entire life i have felt heterosexual and would still call myself heterosexual.

Although when i am in the deepths of my porn escalation, hocd and anxiety filled horniness my mind tells me that i should suck dick which doesent really scare me but just makes me dissapointed as the second after i PMO or even in the middle of Masturbating i ask myself like what the fuck are you jerking off to.

Another point to make is that i am quite sure this is porn escalation because i can still jerk off to women, however it takes much longer, and i have to stretch my legs.

Also i am not Homophobic, although i used to be homophobic when i was a kid filled with rage at his parents ( this was one of the byproducts of my situation at the time), and it wasnt only at homophobes it was at everyone/everything i knew.

Also would like to say that i cant jerk off to the bisexual/gay acts in my imagination, aka its much harder to reach orgasm when im not watching porn. which also makes me beleive that its just escalation.


Welcome to the community,
Now for the answer you have gone through many hardships in your life which made you on the edge of the cliff of sexual orientation. You need some mental peace and mental clarity.
Giving reasons for your PMO thing because of your surroundings is already making you weak. Although I know only that person better knows his/her condition than other. But the advice we can only give you about noFap not about your lifestyle, health because at the end you have to take action against it. If the main reason of your bi characteristics exposing your different identity is PMO you have to abstain from pornography which eventually help you to abstain from masturbation and orgasm. The amount of depression/hocd/depressed have an direct or indirect cause of masturbation.
When we watch porn, we think its real but the fact is that it isn’t real and for that thing first you need some clarity that why porn is addictive and bad.
Here’s the link:

Hope I answered your question.

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