Help : Having trouble with my relationship

Brothers I got married almost a year back not something I planned but my parents kinda convinced me it’s high time to get married I was 30 at this time and at the time I thought it was the correct thing to do ,in the process I met this really nice ,polite ,cute girl , everything checked (Aok girl) ,I really liked her after few conversations we hit off ,we spoke for hours always texted each other after few months and personally meeting her we were sure about us , our parents also met but didn’t agree with us which is why she backed out , I tried to make her say yes gave her assurance we will convince or parents but she was confused, scared . I hate to be the guy who keeps chasing the girl cause he likes her a lot also the ego guys have " how can she say no " so they keep trying, that is not my thing. I tried to reason with her couple of times cause she did admit she likes me, but not ready to give that commitment. so I tried one last time opened up to her about my feelings but the response was cold so I stopped calling ,texting her, after this I was meeting other girls my parents wanted me to meet ,suggestions from relative’s, other girls from matrimonial and found this other girl she was super into me was 100% sure about me in the few months that we spoke to each other ,my parents liked her but I noticed she was lil arogant not with me but in general with few random ppl I noticed, but things looked good our parents met date was finalized and thats when shit got real the previous girl I liked called and confessed she has always liked me and is ready to get engaged to me but I thought it was too late so i said no ,also she was not sure all this time so I couldn’t trust her if she definitely means what she says this time .

Fast forward 1 year , I am married to the girl my parents liked. After marriage I understood I have some issues with Porn so I decided to quit pornography, honestly I never thought it was a problem ,porn was only used by me whenever I was single and not getting regular sex , but after marriage I realised my partner does not like my style of sex which I find weird actually it agitates me ,makes me angry cause that’s when I use porn to medicate more but soon I realised pornography is fucked and is killing my mojo for a long time in other aspects of my life and I never even realised it so I start looking at Mentors online ,on YouTube etc and end up on rewire app amazing app btw. Now the No Fap is great but the fact still remains me and my wife don’t agree on or bedtime activities she thinks I m to rough which I am not I have had few many girlfriends before marriage and I know girls who have complimented me and liked the kink I bring to the bed but my partner is not one of them now because of this I feel my life is doomed I’ll have to sacrifice my emotions just cause my partner is not into my style also she is not at all supportive or understanding she doesn’t like it and she says it to my face that she won’t like it my way & I have to change and she is very upfront and arogant when it come to letting me know that

Now the girl I liked before my marriage contacted me some time back I am not the type of guy who will cheat on someone cause in past I have been cheated on so I know how it feels so we just talked about general things ,I didn’t tell her my problem that I have been facing in mariage ,but we both did get lil emotional and hoped if we could go back correct our actions and be together but we know that is not possible and so decided we can just be friends that to not close ones

But honestly this issue with my married life ,my partner not understanding my problem and the girl I really liked coming back in contact with me has overwhelmed me and there are other shit load things happening in life at the same time cause life always finds way to mess up things more just for fun I guess but because of all this I feel doomed at times ,I am not sucidel but I feel life in general is going to be not so much to look forward from here .

No fap is one of the very few good things happening in my life as of now but all this tension ,messed up situation’s scares me to death and I hope not but things might get even worse I can’t share this with my family not that kind off bond that I share with them, no friends who will understand ,all my friends are only into party and alcohol ,not that old , same age but not married so I don’t think they will relate to this somehow ,might be even suggest me to sleep around with other girl or my ex girlfriends just to fulfill my sexual urges which is not an option I want to be suggested

If anyone here can help or suggest me some sort of relief from this issue I will be really glad I am hoping no fap will help me think straight out of this problem also at times I feel maybe pornography has made my sex style little wierd and my partner is correct but then I remember my ex girlfriends who had never complained rather liked it .I don’t know how I am going to manage should I get a divorce or go to a therapist I don’t know, am I doomed for a sexless marriage ? I don’t know. what all problems this situation will ripple further into thinking all this just makes me numb

Also I am doing No Fap so that itself is a struggle I just wish during this time I had the support I needed from my partner and family but I don’t have that , I have put everything in god’s hands now and focusing on No Fap one problem at a time but if the other issues are not taken into consideration I am sure they will cause a ripple effect and create more problems
Only God can help me it seems

Your brother in this struggle
Totto

3 Likes

Damn this must be really hard on you. But… . Ask yourself - What do you want to do? Who do you want to be with? Ask yourself, not you partner nor your parents. Follow your heart, backed up with sharp thinking, not with your urges.

Don’t be miserable your whole life. Follow your dreams. Follow your heart brother.

I wish you well.

stay sharp.

5 Likes

Can’t really give advise, just posting that I’m praying for you man, @totto_rewire

4 Likes

Hey @totto_rewire
While reading your post I can understand from which situation you’re going on.
See I won’t suggest you to talk to your wife about your current problem you’re facing… Because they are highly sensitive it can become worse… & parents don’t involve them now it would be better.(Otherwise your wife parents also get involved soon)
All I wanna say is try to adjust for an year & forget the past, I know it’s very hard for you & your wife. If you’ll stay clean in nofap journey then your life will be better soon.
& spend more time with your wife for healthy relationship.
And other option I think @edistoretto already explained you…
What do you want to do? Who do you want to be with? Ask yourself, not you partner nor your parents

I Hope & prey that you’ll have better life.

2 Likes

Thanks @Adioz_aka_Adidas makes sense I know No Fap improve your cognitive skills and overall brains health so I’ll stick with my journey religiously and hope I cope with the issues better

Thanks @edistoretto I need think on what I want and do some serious soul searching

Thanks @Ash_Matt keep praying

1 Like

I will try to suggest bro… Its upto u though.

First thing first, sex is a very important part of marriage. And yes a lot of people have different fantasies and its important to talk about those to the spouse. A very open hearted discussion. Sometimes you can meet on the middle ground. You should be open to that and she should try too because she should be wanting to make you happy and you should consider her likes too. But it shouldn’t be a one way street. You can start by telling her that you are not happy, the reason, why its important to u, or if she can try to meet you in the middle.

Considering the sex, I donno if its often or not, if it is not and you want it often, talk to her about it and how its effecting you. You can be pretty open regarding this PMO and stuff, ultimately our spouses do know all our secrets, right? They accept us the way we are, that’s the foundation. And each of you will try to make the other happy, in everything, not just in bed…

Regarding the rough thing… I understand you like it that way, but man, these fantasies can easily change and it doesn’t matter how you do it… Yes porn might have played a part in that, I am not saying its wrong, but sometimes softer one is most loving and passionate and thats fun too. And these fantasies can be changed so often… Love making we call it, it doesn’t matter what you do, you are together, as one body, pleasuring each other and that matters… That increases the bond you guys have… Sex is not all about the act, its about the feelings of the people involved and not individual feelings but the feelings of the both involved… May be your feelings regarding your likes can change after you quit PMO… It can even change day to day bro… Dont get stuck with one… Just use some creativity and you can figure out new stuff that works for you both…

And if you guys are not in sync, please meet a marriage counselor. That will definitely help.

Also that friend thing, with the other one… It will be a problem bro…the fact that there is some one else that likes you can hinder your ability to set things straight in your marriage. We all miss out on girls bro… Even if there is someone thats perfect, after the marriage, things may still turn to shit… The desire to save the marriage is the reason things can turn around. I would suggest to talk to her and tell her that whats done is done but what matters is the future. So, from my view, it would be good to cut ties with her, wish her the best. It would be good for you not to dwell too much on what should have been… But instead focus on what could be. (bro, this paragraph is about the friend, not your wife, just clarifying)

Dont think like, its all over… Find a way to turn things around bro… Just honesty, may be a counsellor intervention, may be meeting on a middle ground.

7 Likes

Thanks a lot @JonSnow001 I will try to be speak with my wife in detail on this thank you so much

2 Likes

I am not good in explaining precisily but the @JonSnow001 explained exactly what I wanna say…

But I still wanna say develop the bond in between your wife and you then only you can open up about these.
And your wife likes… keep in consideration

3 Likes

Edited a bit bro…

You are welcome. I wish you the best :blush:

Always focus on solving the issue rather than giving up or settling.

Anytime, your happiness is the most important.

Good luck!!

4 Likes

From a woman’s perspective, @JonSnow001 gave some amazing advice. Especially about seeing a marriage counselor and cutting ties with the past girl to focus on your marriage and your wife.

If you are into reading books, I would suggest reading Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. I personally know a lot of couples who have been helped by implementing the books ideas. It’s helpful in understanding communication and why we as men and women sometimes act the way we do (not justifying our actions, just explaining possible reasons).

Regardless, praying for you and that you would not give up!

4 Likes

@tfish98 a women’s insight will definitely help and yes I love reading I definitely read the book you have suggested I am currently reading " 7 principles for making marriage work " by john gottman and yes I understand it’s not that I blame my wife in anyway definitely we can try to work something out on the middle grouds thank you

6 Likes

Suicidal? Really? What the hell is problem with you. Your partner doesn’t like the way you treat her in bed, just be gentle and ask her how she likes it or go see a doctor or marriage counsellor.
But don’t magnify your problems so much when you don’t even have it. You’ve had girlfriends, you had lots of sex with different girls, your wife is crazy for you, your ex girlfriend is crazy for you, you have the luxury to be able to sleep with any girl you’d like , you live a luxurious lifestyle, you have lots of friends, probably you even have a very good paying job and money and still…

Earth has enough for everyone’s need but not enough for anyone’s greed. - Mahatma Gandhi

Go see a therapist or marriage counsellor and try to be a loyal and caring husband to your wife.

3 Likes

Thanks you definitely cheating on her is the last thing on my mind and
No I am not sucidel but definitely unsatisfied in this perticular part of my life and I am not the kind who likes bondage or anything even close to that, I am not asking that much maybe just causual teasing maybe a hickey here an there but even thats to much it seems for my wife and the fact I had a few girlfriends who liked the time I spent in bed with them makes me realise I am not asking for something unrealistic or freaky

But yes definitely I’ll think on counseling cause I don’t want to be unfair and only think about me

1 Like