In 2022, I decided to quit ■■■■ altogether, cold-turkey. Didn’t really have a reason for it, I knew it wasn’t healthy but never impacted my personal life.
I quickly found out that it was so hard to quit. Why couldn’t I stop watching it? I didn’t want to stop masturbating, why couldn’t I do it without ■■■■?
It truly felt like another person gained control of my body when the urges came. I felt so much guilt after each session. And each session begun to be longer, more frequent, stealing so much time from me that I could have used in other, more productive ways. The content that I was watching begun to degradate also, diverging into the extreme, stuff that after the fact becomes really revolting to look at. Is this me? Am I really this kind of person? No, that can’t be. For sure, it’s just this time. For sure, tomorrow I will be able to quit. Right?
Needless to say, I never won this battle. Maybe I was able to resist for a week, but then it’s time to celebrate, and what better way to celebrate then treating myself with some, more hardcore, ■■■■?
But why do I feel this guilt? It’s absurd, I brought this to myself! It was just a challenge to see if I could do it, why is this eating me from inside now? Maybe I should have never started this. But there’s no going back now. It truly feels like a red pill moment.
To be clear, I don’t want to stop masturbating. In this nightmare, I somehow managed to decrease the frequency, and I think that it can be healthy with moderation. But the temptation of taking my phone and look up stuff on Google is so strong some days. And even more, I noticed that 80% of the times I do it only because I’m bored/stresses/anxious, not horny. I’m forcing myself to do that, if it even makes any sense.
I want to be a better person. Everything good that I can do, in my head is overshadowed by this beast that is consuming me from the inside. I can’t be a good person, even if I did something good it would be just to feel better about myself. But no matter how well I can hide it to everyone else, deep down I feel like an orribile person nonetheless.
Who is this person inside me making me feel this way? Why to I feel so much guilt all the time? I just want this to end. I brought this to myself and it looks like there’s no way out, except fighting my way out. But it’s so difficult. I try to commit everytime and everytime I fail. Writing in this forum is my latest attempt. It seems like among you there are a lot of people who might relate. First, I apologize for the long, disconnected and probably full of mistakes post which is more like a flow of conscience. Second, if you feel like it and have some tips on how to overcome this, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.