I have been addicted to pornography and sex since I was 10 yrs old. I guess I never developed a healthy understanding of what it is supposed to be and now it is taking it’s toll on my marriage. I was using the tumblr app to indulge myself and crossed the line from just viewing to engaging in messages from others. Sending and receiving pics, sharing fantasies and role playing. It was recently discovered by my wife and now I’m on the verge of divorce. I don’t know how to control myself, I knew it was wrong the whole time, and even though I felt ashamed about it, I still continued to do it, knowing damn well I shouldnt.
If you already know that it is wrong then you must be knowing what triggers you and you should now identify in which situations that triggering event happens, for eg. You are alone or bored, so you check social media or you start watching porn. You need to avoid being in those situations… You have already lost a lot due to this habit, you must now respect yourself to stop doing it at once…
The problem with pmo is that we tend to forget that there is more to life then that, our brain doesn’t need to work very hard to make us happy so we start avoiding people and difficult situations, we avoid confrontations, we start taking relations for granted because keeping them alive is a task… So now when you abstain from pmo, your brain becomes confused, it now isn’t getting happy that often and that easily so it needs to interact with the external environment for it. Which creates a domino effect and things start getting into place…
Set your priorities straight, it will automatically set your life straight. Masturbation can never be a priority, but your life and your relationship definitely is one.
I found porn at the same age as you. I can’t say that I know what you’re going through, since I’ve never been married.
However, all I can say is this: I’ve seen divorce destroy too many men. Alimony, child support, property division, the list goes on. The entire process is messy and it causes long lasting problems for everyone involved.
I’m not writing that to shame you… Far from it! Nor do I wish to scare you either!
I do recommend that you use the possibility of divorce (and the consequences thereof) to be the ultimate motivation. I don’t know what type if woman you’re married to; some are supportive and forgiving, and others are not. It depends.
Perhaps if you show her how serious you are about changing, then you might at least persuade her that you’re deserving of a second chance. Deleting the porn, finding anti-porn material to help you rewire, or seeing a counselor.
I strongly recommend Craig Perra. He’s the man behind the mindful habit.
As for the wife, just give her an ultimatum: if she doesn’t see improvement in six months, then she can proceed with the divorce. Something along those lines. It may help to delay the worst. However, it really depends on how understanding and supportive she is.
Craig Perra says that “All behaviors are a product of an unmet need, and the greatest unmet need is a lack of love for self.”
Maybe there are some unmet needs that kept you in porn for so many years. PM me of you want to talk privately.
Anyways, I’ll support you from here. My code is cf9a15.
Thanks for this @anon31780630
Thank you guys, everything y’all are saying is spot on.
I don’t even know what to say man a divorce is harsh
I dont want to lose her. I love her with all my heart and soul. We’ve been married 12 years, I never had a girlfriend before her. I grew up thinking it was ok to use women as objects. She is the one who made me a better person
I’ve found someone to talk to. He chairs AA meetings and has had his own experience with this. I’m praying that this will help. I’ll let everyone know how it goes
All the best to you brother, hope you get proper guidance.
I received some great advice yesterday and now I have a physical place to go and someone to talk to who actually understands what I’m going thru. I don’t feel as ashamed as I once did. Pointing me to classes and group sessions, I didn’t even know my town had these things! It’s looking to be a better day. Staying strong and pushing on
I completely understand you man… I confronted the same problem… I talked about It with my wife. She understood and tried to help me… She is trying by the way…
Dont give up! Talk to her and explain the problem. We are here for you mate!
She’s very upset with me right now. Not speaking to me at all, but I am trying to prove to her that i am serious about getting help. I know it’s not something that will happen over night, but I’m hoping that she sees my efforts and knows that I am serious. I really broke her trust and I understand her feelings towards me, so I’m just taking it one day at time
I’m glad you’re feeling better. I hope you’re able to save your relationship; we’re all supporting you!
With that mindset you will overcome all this, remember this is just one of the lows in life that does not mean it will stay like that forever, learn something from this, because this will make your relationship with your wife even stronger than it ever been wish you the best.
I attended a SA meeting tonight. Such a powerful experience. I’ve got a sponsor, and now I have tools.
I just got off this telemeeting, I encourage anyone who’s lost or struggling like I am to try and attend one when possible
I should check and see if there’s one in my area. The more of a support group we all have, the better our chance of recovery.
Although I suspect that if we all have a in person accountability group in addition, it would triple our chances. That depends if it’s available of course.
You’ve inspired me! So far, I’ve recovered from the dreaded flat line effect, which means - I don’t wish to be lewd - very unwanted erections. Being a single guy with no partner, it’s very tempting, but this forum keeps me from giving in.
I can only hope that your wife sees this obvious dedication on your e d to get better, and doesn’t go through with divorce. Which brings me to my next point:
I’m no marriage counselor, but I was thinking that get to g help for your recovery is one thing, but the next and equally important step is trying to reconnect with your wife. I don’t know what to suggest, but I advise you to avoid therapy (therapy these days for couples is no better than Oprah, so stay away!) If you know any way to connect with her better, it might help the recovery process. A two pronged attack if you will.
Anyways, just a suggestion.
Even if you can’t find a group close to you, there are definitely other resources available. I’ve also got involved in email groups and it great to know that these things actually exist. We just need to find them. I would have never thought this was Such a huge problem until I actually started doing some research. My wife is starting to speak to me, and I think she understands that it was absolutely no fault of hers. We are going to do recovery together as she has a alcohol addiction, and by working these steps together we can both get the help we need. I’m very optimistic about what the new day brings now. I’m no longer hiding full of shame.
Hi… I am a married man too… I can understand what a pain it must have been. But i am really happy to hear that you guys are getting along with Wish you all the very best with your rebooting, and wish a happy married ahead to both of you.