Age: 19
Gender: Male
Hello hello! My name is Gawain, and ive decided to stop PMO. It wont be easy, but I’ve been working on STRIVE by Matt Fradd and want to post it all here.i will post EVERY DAY here, ans intend to post every mistep, slip up, relapse, victory, prayer, temptation, and struggle. This is my journey, my story, my odyssey through recover with you all! Please pray for me, and i will pray for you!
Amen. Alleluia.
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We all will 
all the best brother! The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
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Thanks Binocular. I fell last night, and i realize tahts because i keep my phone by my bed. Tonight im moving it to the other sode of the room.
Alright! Here’s todays entry folks. I started this Diary on day 3 of STRIVE, so i will just jump in now.
STRIVE:Day 3, 12hrs sober.
TITLE: What the problem isnt
- Do you belive that sexual desire is, in fact, good?
Honestly, my view of sexual desire is very injured by my PMO usage and my past relationship. I find that i think of my desire as an obstacle in the way of my life goals and my relationships with women, rather than something i should work with to be honest about with myself. I know intellectually that my desires, once rightly ordered, will actually help me and be good for me in life, but in my heart of hearts i still struggle with this part of myself.
- If we are created for life giving communion with eachother and ultimately God, what happens when we misuse these gifts?
Sex is beautiful. When i misuse PMO, i say “No, i dont want to create life, i just want pleasure. I want lust, not love.” I recognize that “I” is the main subject of every sentence, because my sin is selfish. What about those women? That is someone’s daughter! When i misuse this gift from God, i degrade the other people in PMO. PMO is not a personal sin. Everyone gets hurt.
- How have you seen PMO’s misuse of sexual desire play out in your own life?
Every time i use it, i loss compassion, expression, happiness, and sympathy. I feel less tahn human, because i treated myself as less than human. I treat others, therefore, as less than human, because i cant even think of my own body as more than an object to usefor my own pleasure.
Hopeful remark: Since i recognize what my problems are and are not, i can fight it more effectively. The fact that i recognize this is a new begining. I am a new man, and i will fight with every ounce of my being for sobriety from PMO. Pray for me brothers and sisters, as i pray for you!
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Good decision 
Hope you get back up again cause you can. Nice reflections btw they can be really useful more than you think in the long run.
STRIVE: Day 4, 1 day and 18 hours sober.
Title: What kind of man do you want to be?
- What kind of man do you want to be?
There’s a scene from a movie, The Hobbit, that speaks to the type of man i want to be. Balin the Dwarf is describing a terrible battle where his friends were dying around him, and the king had just been beheaded. Then he says that he looked up and saw Thorin, the young dwarf-prince, and he says “In that moment, i saw someone i could follow.” I want that. I want to be someone people desire to be loyal to. And i want to be courageous, adventurous, and never holding back on anything. More than this, i want to he someone who is able to have a deep relationship with my friends that creates family.
- What are some men/attributes of men you admire?
One of my greatest heroes is Booker T. Washington, a man who rose up from terrible conditions as a slave, worked until he gonself became a better person, and went back to his hometown and bettered his community. He did all this, with a devout faith in God, and never once let his anger or experience of injustice get the better of him. His greatest teaching was that it doesn’t matter where you came from, it’s your choice to do good or bad. I want to choose good, even though i come from a family that has been unable to help me against my addiction. It shows that i can becone even better than my parents, who are amazing people who i love very much and honor. If i can rise up on thier shoulders, as he tells me i can, then i can do great things. Even overcome the greatest addiction of our time.
- How do you want people to remember you?
I want my friend to walk up to that podium at my funeral and say without any doubt “He loved more than anyone had ever loved before.” And i mean true love. Not sex or desirous lust, but the kind of love where you hold your sisters hair back while she pukes from food poisoning, and stay up late helping her. Then the next morning when she is frumpy and snaps at you, you take it with silence and joy, offering the suffering to God. Yes, it may sound absolutely ridiculous and over the top, but i want people to remember me the way they remember the saints.
Note: i placed my phone away from my bed and that helped. I’m now one day sober thanks to the new habit. Thank you all for your prayers. You are all in mine!
Alright, i relapsed and binged. 3 failures in two days. I’m feeling worthless, but i remember that my failures do not define me, but God has made me the way i am and He has made no mistake, this is a war i ak meant to win. Hoping for your support, brothers and sisters, as i get up and start again.
This time my phone is staying away from my bed and the shower. I will review what caused my relapses and go over an action plan on how to avoid them. I will attempt to block certain apps on my phone. I will continue to journey through STRIVE, and i will come out on top, through Christ who strengthens me. Amen
STRIVE: Day 6, nearly 20 hours sober.
Title: Why we look at ****
1./2. Today i filled out a worksheet, helping me identify my triggers, and the emitional states that leave me the most volatile. I did a prayer of reflection and will add this to my nightly reflections every night.
- How do you feel now that you’ve identified your triggers?
Having identified my triggers, and also assessed my recent relapse, i feel as if ik slowly changing. Something in my psychi is changing almost neurologically. Its like my attitude and everything is changing. This is definitely God, because i admit that i am helpless against this sin, so it is comepletely in Him that i have found this strength. I know feel His prescence more than ever in my life, and I hope that i am becoming a better version of myself every day, hour, and grace i pit between me and this sin. There is a motto a like, “Per Virtutem Pax,” that means Peace Through Strength. Yet, in truth it is not my strength, but God’s strength that i fin my peace in. Amen, and Alleluia for this change in my life! Day by day.
Hey hey hey! Day 7.
I did this last night but it aas late and staying up any longer with Blue light may have been a trigger. Moreover, I layer down last night and left my phone on the other side of the room. I had a hard time still, but instead i picked up my rosary, which was within reach, and prayed. I prayed myself to sleep, and slept PMO-free. All glory to God!
I will post the entry soon for days 7 and 8 of STRIVE. Day 8 is most importantly a sobriety plan, and Day 7 doesnt have much as far as sharing data. It was just about the process of falling to PMO and how our brain works in that way. Important, but not “diary” material. Suffice to say i did day 7 and will post day 8 today.
Amen. Alleluia.