Hi guys !
My heart feel so sad when I read all your comment, because we are so many men suffuring this evil behavior and ruin their life inside this circle fighting > relapse > hating themselves > trying again.
Approaching this new year, I wanted to give you some hope.
I encounter ■■■■ when I was a teenager, thru magazines, then videotape, then TV movie (after midnight). At that time, it was much difficult to get something, but you all know how much we can be creative to find our way… and if you can find it, you could still fantasized. So, even ■■■■ was difficult to access, masturbation was already very common. In my 20s, getting married, sneaking time to time to watch ■■■■ on TV during the night, but not so often.
Once again, it was not the lack of intamacy with my wife, but the surge of dopamine of doing something ‘forbidden’ and in secret. At that time, no one spoke about dopamine and addiction. I just felt like a fucking freak, doens’t really understand what was wrong with me. So I was on that circle PMO / depression / fighting back /relapse. As Christian, I pray God to save me from this bad behavior, but really didn’t find the way out.
Then came internet… and suddenly, find pics, then videos cam soooo easy.
In my 30s, I had free internet connection, with pretty good bandwith, so I could download thousands of pics and videos while working. So much, needed to go to toilet too cool down. What a mess… no only taking risk with my family, but also with my job. I had someday even difficulties to do a single task…
For some other reason, we get away from church, but I think that stopping trying to conciliate God and masturbation was an easy solution for me.
In some way, I try to convince myself that deciding to stop fighting against, and acceptiong that PMO was inevitable, and normalize it (“every guys does it, so why should I stop ?”) was the best solution.I havemy own secret garden, and till no one knows, it was hurting no one. I lived like this during more than 10 years.
But, as you know, the more ■■■■ you look, you get more and more accutumate to it, starting to feel numb to ‘standard’ ■■■■, and need to watch more hard stuff to feel this dopamine thrill again.
Hopefully, God prevent me to go to far, especially go to prostitution, or cheat my wife. But I felt very very low.
I realized that I could no find peace, and delf estime with this kind of double-sided life.
In my 40s, I decided to come back seriously. I start to read lot of self improvment books that flurish at that time : Tim Ferris, Stephen Covey, Greg McKeown, Angela Duckworth, David Allen, and more recently James Clear (feel free to contact me if you need advices on books that helped me).
I start to realized that I had in me the potential to win this battle. I knew it will be a life long journey to get rid of this habbit that haunt me over 2 decades, but I was ready to fight for it : I wanted to be able to live my life free for this addiction. I knew that I will probably relapse, but the real failure was to stop to fight.
So I made this promise to myself : I will NEVER stop to fight.
It had been hard, really. I was able to keep track sometime a few weeks, sometime even a month or 2. But sure enough, never had a year without. Sometime cannot even keep 2 days in a row.
But I have the image a runner for the moste gigantic marathon, sometime falling on the dirt from exhaustion, but, after a while, standing up again, and going back to the race. I will continue, no matter how many time I will fall.
And then I had one year full with no PMO (thus with some ■■■■ or substitute, soft mode. And for those who wonder : Intimacy with my wife NOT count for me).
During this time I realize several things : my family relation improve A LOT (no more divorce in the air situation, good relation with my 2 children), my job sky rocket due to very good reputation of seriousness, implication and trustworthy (my salary double in those years), better physical shape, and much much better spiritual life, as my attitude was align with my beliefs in holy scriptures.
Saddly, I relapse again… and again… and again… but, as I kept journaling, I could discover some patterns : why I was relapsing (personal our professional frustration, stress, loneliness or borring feelings) and also some triggering : some lecture, or movies, or fantasize to get asleep… So I learnt to detect the signs that I knew that will inevitably bring me to PMO soon. It help me to stop BEFORE temptation starts and cannot be stop.
And then I could finally control it much better.
I am now on my 50s, and it is more than 2 years I didn’t PMO.
I am her because, after over 200 days, I relapse on ■■■■ 3 days ago. But, I am confident. I know why, because, I still learn on myself, on those things that triggers me. I know that I won’t fall on the same trap, and even if I did, I won’t stop the fight anyway. I pray for a clean 2024 in hard mode (nothing, except intimacy with my wife)
I wanted to spend time, because seing so many young teenagers and man suffering this issue as I am breaks my heart. But I wanted to say : don’t loose hope ! Be proud, because you are fighting, and it is the most important.
You don’t loose unless you give up, what I did during more than 10 years : it won’t makes you happier.
Have compassion for yourself : you can fail, but with practice, with patience, with learning, with firends support (and God if you are a beleiver) you WILL improve, and be able to say : Yes, I felt sometimes, but I never stop the fight.
Feel free to contact me if you need support, advices, prayers…
Love you guys! God bless you.