Yes. That is what I have found. I had to define what I could do and not do. For me, putting the line that I cannot cross at “not view porn”, does not help me. I relapse too quickly.
My line in the sand that I do not and cannot cross is this: No intentional movement toward lust.
If I don’t let myself and my thoughts entertain lust, thought images, fantasy or any thought that include sex, nudity or specific body regions of girls, then I am strong and stay sober. This is not easy but I MUST do this or I will relapse, it’s just a matter of time.
Cheers brother. Stay in touch and let’s get better together. I need it.
That is really typical, my wife just me watching porn in secret has said many times that she felt used, treated like a sex object because I had sex with her a few days after watching porn and I had hid it from her. Many wives go through something called betrayal trauma when their husbands view porn and masturbate within a marriage.
Its not easy, and it easily distroy a marriage. Now she has been with me for 27 years and addiction is progressive. So she needed some things if our marriage was to survive.
My wife needed me to tell her each time I relapsed (within 24 hours) so that she could trust me. She needed to know she could trust me. I think this is essential to real connection and a strong relationship.
When I would tell her I relapsed most of the time it would hurt her, she would withdraw from me emotionally and she would not want to have sex for a while.
When I relapsed, I felt disappointed and disgusted with myself. I was ashamed and did not want to tell her. I would think I will get a really long streak and then when I tell her, it will be better.
when I hid the truth from her (because I was ashamed) , often lying to her if she told me if I was doing good, I never could have long streaks. Never.
I would confess to her at some point because it was too much, and she would get hurt, she hated the lying, the secrecy more than the relapse. She would be very upset. I would do better get much longer streaks and the cycle would repeat when I relapsed again
This happened hundreds of times in my marriage.
Today everything is much better and we have a really happy marriage, but I have to follow a specific program of action to stay in recovery and not have lust ine.
Hope this helps. Love your wife. She needs to heal from feeling used. Just do the reverse of used, which could be: :respected, considered, loved, considered and she will heal faster.
My natural language is Brazilian Portuguese.
I think your “recipe” ( don’t have any lust) is not the answer but it’s point to it.
The lust, the desire to have sexual pleasure, is natural and healthy.
The problem is our distorted minds by the porn.
Another problem is the unbalanced desire to have sex on a couple.
I’m facing the two problems. I have faced problems with all my previous sexual partners (only 3 other women) before my actual wife.
My wife have serious problems in sex too.
She has had a too rigid sexual education based in religion and never have seen a porn movie.
To simplify , nowadays, with the help a psychologist, I solved my problems, but she have not. I’m saying : my problems with sex not with the porn. Actually I can’t stand from watching is because of we make sex with too big intervals. Sometimes 1 month…
Well , I am writing to much and not getting to a point. Loosing my time on the phone instead of the use it on life.
I expect that she can find her way (she’s having professional help too) and both of us can have the benefits that sex can bring and not the harm that it has brought to us until now, in our previous life.