Fallen Angel's Life Exposure

A journey from someone who suffered a lot but people said privileged. From someone who is having internal pain and struggles in his life. The scene and stories are my daily basis experience from what I feel and what I act.

The content might be very sensitive for some people, so stay away. I am not asking for pity or a solution, but rather to be listened.



I feel so sad and desperate. I have been fighting loneliness for almost a decade now, and PMO is one way for me to escape from reality. Though I am a sociable person and have chatted with many types person, I still feel numb. I do not feel connected to all of my friends, something must be wrong within myself, and I am trying to figure this out.

PMO is not a good solution, I know-- in fact, it even makes my brain having the worse condition. But you know exactly why I still do that, right?

I do exercise, and I do read the holy book, I study almost everyday, people say I am inspirational, and I look very healthy.

But they do not know how broken I am mentally. I had told someone about this, but it only makes things getting worse. I do not know, maybe because maybe I am expecting too much to be heard? or expecting too much to be hugged? I do not know, and I am trying to know that.

Today, all of a sudden, I feel so upset and angry to the world – even though they do nothing to me. It sounds selfish, and maybe it is selfish. Well, this is not my first time facing this emotion Usually, I am going to search PMO to make me feel better, but now I handle this feeling calmer-ly.

The struggle seems to have no end, I had bullied in elementary school, junior high school, and senior high school. Verbally and psychically. Luckily I do not face the same issue in university now, but the past still haunted me. all of the words they said to me, all of the action they gave to me, it can be erased – and I don’t have to erase it.

I am exhausted, and I know PMO was never makes me feel better but produce instant and short-term dopamine. I need a rest, a good rest.

I love myself. So dear world, please…stop the pain…




I wonder how to live like my dream. I always see great people in the past years that occurred even more in the days’ countdown. Will I be a great person like them? Is my dream achievable? Can I reach even higher? I do not know. As far as I know, my dream has always been shut. I am afraid to expect higher. Now I want to be a normal person, an extraordinary one, and I guess this is what God trying to tell me. I cannot be that ‘special’. From the start, I have lost, I have no adequate luck and privilege to live like my inspiration,

So here I am, standing and wondering, will I be a great person? Can I achieve my dream? Is this realistic? or God wants his better plan executed again? Too many doors have been closed. I hope there will be one who will work in my favor.



I want to be happy, how can I choose it?
Seeking enlightenment in porn and masturbation while I have no one I can tell a friend I feel connected to, I do not understand my life for real.

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After almost 3 months, I come back to this site.
Everything is so crazy, I never thought such an occasion will happen in my life.
A graduation drama, job drama (that I get 2 job offers and now I have none), mental drama, and etc.
I wish everything gets better soon.

I do not know, I just feel numb, but I am okay. I am masturbating a lot–in fact–too much, due to this stress, though I regularly exercise. I think porn plays an important role in my brain destruction and my masturbating addiction. I wish there will be a matched solution for my problem.

I know it is all on me, but stil…

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A Choice

Life is an extraordinary place every living can experience, I feel like something we cannot choose, something that we want to have, but on the other hand, when it is time for us to need something urgently, we have no choice to feel numb. Suddenly, when everything gets lighter, we need to choose after we have nothing but a struggle. Yes, our timing with our God is distinctly different since He knows all and we do not know at all, but this is ridiculous since there is too much scene wherein our low we have nothing, and suddenly everything burst into our eyes.

Making a choice and being bold is not an easy task everyone can deal with; even for me, I always need to choose almost every essential thing for the organization, family, and life. The choice is tough to deal with as if we take one that is wrong — yes, some choice is wrong, don’t be too denial as a human — we get way too low, and even no choice and chance have remained. I do not know. Life has its opportunity for me, but this is way too ridiculous. I cannot stand with this kind of thing every single breath. But sorry, not sorry, life is a test, I need to live with it, right?

In addition that it is extremely frustrating when we suppose to be able to make a choice, but we cannot due to our limitations. I want to live in the present, yet the past haunted me every single time, and the future attacked me with their worried thought. I mean, why do they even exist in the first place? I mean the thought. I do not want to deal with them anymore because almost every part of my life was spent focusing on the future and regret the past.

Tell me that I need to forgive my past and take one day at a time, I almost take every possible way to get out of this circumstance, but still, I cannot. In addition, that I very suck at almost everything makes me even worse. I do not know, and I want to know the answer to this situation; I am just way too tired for all of this, and I feel like I cannot bear with this feeling anymore. Inadequate every single time, unsatisfied yet the feels needed to get a job, or almost everything is frustrating me.

I do not know, I am just too tired, but I do not want to rest. I do not want to have a difficult choice after a huge struggle. I am selfish, I know. People will underestimate me, I know, but this is the choice.

I choose to be insecure, and my head is way too big, my forehead to be specific. As far as I was concerned back then, it was not a problem, but beauty standards and people’s mockery have come. Tell me that I need to ignore them and not listen to them; I still can listen to a word, you prophet. I tried to accept things, and I have accepted this, but my own feeling won’t shut I do not know what is wrong.


I am exhausted, about everything in my life
I watched porn regularly avoiding my own feeling, and it worked–for several minutes
I have too much anxiety and I am too afraid thinking about my future or ruminating about my past
I am way too vulnerable for this, help

My bad habit:
I am daydreaming way too much
I watch porn regularly to avoid negative thought and to feel better
I constantly feel lonely
I learn about my past but cannot forget about it
I am way too anxious in thinking about my future
I am afraid to trust to God in several occasion
I am depressed and search no professional help
I am too lazy to implement the planned solution
I am hate myself more than I should while I just cannot give myself the deserved compassion even I love me
I am way too pressured myself
I have no one - psychically- I can count as a friend

I feel nothing but recently I was so happy.
Now I felt numb, utterly numb, again.