To begin to do that, let’s start from the very basics; the range of emotions the average human being feels from day to day.
What you will learn
The scale of emotions
All human emotions have a calibration—on the scale of emotional consciousness—of emotions of low energy to emotions of high energy.
Emotions usually experienced as negative are the lower energy emotions, while positive emotions are of high energy.
The more you move up on the scale of emotional consciousness, the more the positive emotions energize you.
Starting from the lowest (negative), here is the scale of emotions;
i. Apathy: This is the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. This emotion can come in other forms of emotions like; depression, boredom, defeat, and despair.
ii. Grief: this is the feeling of loss of something valuable to you. It can be the loss of a belief system, or the loss of a loved one, or the loss of money on a business opportunity.
iii. Fear: we’re all familiar with this emotion on varying levels. It comes in the form of the fear of rejection, the fear of failure, the fear of success, fear of criticism, fear of inadequacy, fear of boredom, fear of pain, and so on. (Fear has a habit of hindering us and preventing us from living up to our full potential.)
iv. Desire: this is the feeling of need, want, and in extreme cases, the cravings you have for something or someone. Desire can express itself in the form of selfishness, lust, insatiability, fixation, frenzy. (These are all words that’s familiar to the PMO addict.)
v. Anger: Hatred, spite, jealousy, vindictiveness, frustration, impatience, negativity are all emotions that reside in anger.
vi. Pride: The proud person is often in denial, is arrogant, boastful, self-centered, deceitful, and rigid.
vii. Courage: this is the emotion that kick-starts the positive spectrum. When you’re feeling courageous, you have clarity on who you are and who you want to be.
viii. Acceptance: you feel accepted when you’ve accepted things as they are. You feel full of life, warmth, and joy.
ix. Love: affection, gratitude, sweetness are all things you feel in this state of emotion.
x. Peace: Other words for this state of emotion are; tranquility, fulfillment, harmony, etc.
Emotions (i-iii) are those emotions that no one wants to feel.
Although Emotions (iv-vi) are still negative emotions, we all feel them from time to time, to varying degrees.
Most people on NoFap feel emotions (i-vi) the most, with glimpses of emotions (vi-x) on some days.
How our Emotions work
A man standing on a lonely road
I’m sure you wouldn’t have fallen victim to PMO addiction if your teacher in elementary school taught you that Emotions are simply Energies in Motion (E-Motion).
These E-motions (either positive or negative) want to pass (move) through you. That’s all they want from you.
These E-motions want you to feel them and experience them. And when you’re done experiencing them, they leave.
If you think my statements about E-motions are false, you can validate these claims by doing two simple exercises right now;
Exercise #1: Think back to a positive experience you’ve had in the past.
Maybe you got that job, or you got that A in a term paper.
Maybe your favorite team won the league or anything you can think of in the past, making you feel a positive emotion like joy.
How did you feel when that event happened to you?
You’ll probably remember feeling exhilarated, happy beyond bounds, or on top of the world.
And now, as you recall this joyous event, how are you feeling?
You might still feel happy about it right now.
But you’ll notice a HUGE DIFFERENCE in the intensity of the emotion when the event happened and the intensity of the emotion you’re feeling right now.
The difference in the intensity of the emotion then and now is because you’ve allowed yourself to FULLY EXPERIENCE the E-motion of joy that resulted from that event when it originally happened.
You’ve allowed the positive emotion to pass through you then, and now, that positive E-motion isn’t there anymore.
Exercise #2: Think back to a negative experience you’ve had in the past
Maybe someone slapped you!!
Maybe you lost a loved one, or you failed at something, or you got rejected by someone. Think back to an event that has resulted in a negative feeling in the past.
How did you feel when that event happened?
You probably felt like there was a knot in your stomach that wanted to make you throw up.
Maybe you felt physical pain in your chest, or your stomach, or your throat. Anyhow you felt it; the point is it sucked!
Now that you’re thinking about that past event and how you felt about it, chances are that you’re feeling the same way right now.
Chances are that you’re now feeling that knot in your stomach that makes you want to throw up. That pain in your chest, your stomach, or your throat is probably back.
Notice that there isn’t much difference between the INTENSITY of the negative E-motion then and now.
The freshness of the negative E-motion is because you haven’t allowed this negative E-motion to pass through you, and it’s still very much alive in you.
Contrasting negative and positive E-motions, the problem we all have is that we don’t like experiencing the E-motions on the negative side of the emotion spectrum.
The positives are a joy to experience.
The positive E-motions empower us and make us go strong.
But the negative E-motions make us feel like shit.
So, we don’t like acknowledging them, let alone experience them.
How the average person deals with negative E-motions
Because negative emotions are (also) always seeking movement, they bubble to the surface now and then.
And the average person deals with these negative emotions in either one of the following three ways;
This is when you consciously suppress negative emotions whenever they come up to the surface.
Depending on the intensity of the negative emotion, some people go as far as numbing themselves to suppress these emotions.
Emotional-suppressors that people use include hard drugs, anti-depressants, pain-killers, and so on.
People also employ distraction tactics like; playing video games, watching porn, binge-eating, having sex, and so on, to suppress negative E-motions.
You’ve actually been using porn to suppress negative e-motions like; boredom, depression, loneliness, grief, despair, etc.
But, the dark side of suppressing negative E-motions is that;
these emotions start building up on the inside—as you don’t outrightly deal with them, and you develop an addiction to vice at the end of the day. Repression
This is when you unconsciously suppress negative E-motions.
Repression is similar to suppression—only you aren’t aware of doing it in this case.
The negative emotions you’re repressing go down to the subconscious region of your mind and accumulates there.
And with time, you won’t be aware that they’re there anymore.
If you’ve repressed enough negative emotions like anger, shame, or guilt, you start acting them out.
There are different ways that repressed emotions manifest themselves in negative ways.
One example is when you lash out or go on an anger rage at someone for no reason.
This is what most people will recommend that you do with your negative E-motions.
They’ll tell you to express them.
While this is an improvement on the previous two ways to deal with negative emotions, its consequences can be devastating.
For instance, if you’re feeling angry, and you choose to express it on people close to you, you can end up burning bridges.
Besides, the other person you’re venting on also gets angry with you in return, and your anger goes to a new level.
Also, if you’re expressing your negative emotions, there’s no way you can express them all.
Some of them get repressed or suppressed.
Hence, the cycle of suppression and repression continues.
In the beginning, there was an emotional pit
a cave of waterfall
Because you’ve been mostly suppressing and repressing your negative emotions, you’ve subconsciously created a pit filled with all these negative emotions.
So, picture a pit.
This pit’s scary as shit, and you dare not look into this pit.
In this pit, there reside all the negative emotions you’ve suppressed and repressed.
So, when any of the negative E-motions in this pit wants to come to the surface, you suppress and repress them further using porn.
How the emotional pit pushed you to porn
If you’re observant, you’d have seen that even if you started using porn to educate yourself on your sexuality, those reasons have actively transformed into a coping mechanism.
Over time, you’ve been using porn to cover up (to repress and suppress) your negative emotions.
That’s why anytime you’re triggered to watch porn, 99% of the time; you’ll see that it’s one of the negative emotions in your emotional pit that’s initiating your porn use.
Effects of porn addiction on your Emotions
As your emotions are driving you to use porn, your porn use is, in turn, affecting your emotions.
The more you use porn and masturbation to numb yourself to these negative emotions, the more emotionally numb you become.
The sit of your emotion is the amygdala—located in the limbic region of your brain.
The more you use porn to CONSTANTLY OVER-STIMULATE this limbic region, the more your amygdala becomes numb to emotions.
So, over time, with constant porn use, you become a zombie.
Not only do you become a zombie to your own emotions, but you also become numb to the emotions of the people around you.
Depending on the level of addiction, it can get so bad that the whole world could be on fire, and you wouldn’t flinch.
Your loved ones might die, and you wouldn’t feel the pain that much.
Your whole world becomes black and white.
Porn becomes the white, and everything else becomes black.
Emotions you experience on NoFap
So, when you start NoFap—when you remove porn from the equation—and you start counting your NoFap streaks, what you’re saying to the repressed and suppressed emotions (in your emotional pit) is that it’s okay for them to come up.
You’re ready to feel them in their entirety.
There are two different ways these emotions manifest themselves during your NoFap;
You start feeling the emotions intensely
A memory makes you deeply sad that you can’t hold back those tears.
The view of the sun setting brings you a depth of peace and tranquility you’ve never felt before.
A book you’re reading resonates with you so much that you feel like the Author’s been living with you your whole life.
The sight of a baby brings tears to your eyes. And on and on and on.
These intense emotions come without warning. And they don’t need an actual event to provoke them.
The reason for these intense emotions is that you aren’t diverting your attention from these types of (negative) emotions anymore.
And as you’re experiencing these repressed negative emotions, you’re also FULLY able to experience the positive sides of emotions.
You start having emotional swings
There can be moments of emotional highs and lows.
And this is usually one of the withdrawal symptoms of NoFap that tells you that your repressed emotions are starting to come to the surface.
One minute you’re glee, the next moment, you’re extremely sad. The emotion of anger can come unannounced in the middle of a hearty conversation.
How to deal with these emotions when you’re on NoFap
Regardless of whether it’s the intense negative or intense positive e-motions you get on NoFap, know that all your E-motions wants you to experience them.
It’s the crucial mistake of not experiencing your E-motions that drove you to PMO addiction in the first place.
So, by correcting this mistake, you’re putting yourself at a vantage point of (a) becoming more emotionally mature, and (b) having a successful NoFap reboot.
If you don’t do this, even if you manage to have three years of NoFap, these emotions will one day drive you to use porn.
So, how do you get yourself started on the path of dealing with these E-motions in the best way?
Here’s the answer;
The art of letting go
The best (only) way you can deal with emotions is to let go and experience the emotions in their entirety.
After doing this, the E-motions dissipates.
But how do you let go?
Letting go is another word for surrendering to the emotions you have—be it negative or positive.
It’s when you surrender that you allow yourself to be with that emotion and REALLY feel it. And once you feel it, it dissipates.
You shouldn’t under-estimate this technique because of its simplicity. It’s powerful and life-changing.
How to get proficient at letting go
Read this book
I got to know about the concept of surrendering in a book called Letting go by Dr. Hawkins.
The book inspired this post, and there’s no way I can explain the concept of surrendering better than the book. So, go and get the book now!!
It’ll turn out to be the most important book you’ll ever read, just as it is for me. It’ll change your life.
For recommendations on the best books you should read when you’re on NoFap, check out this carefully curated list of books for NoFap.
Stop deflecting your negative emotions
Innately, we humans are creatures of love.
Remember the scale of emotions at the start of this post. The highest level of emotions (Emotions vii to x) is innate in us as human beings.
These higher-level emotions are like the sunlight that’s always shinning.
The lower emotions are a cloud that covers up the higher emotions.
So, as you continually stay with, experience, and let go of the lower emotions (negatives), you’re gradually peeling off the negative cloud and allowing your light to shine.
You should have seen the evidence of this around you.
It’s when you stay with a negative emotion like boredom that you can find peace in it.
It’s when you face your fears that you become more courageous.
You can only feel pleasure after going through the pain.
So, henceforth, when you feel a negative emotion, consciously say to yourself that you have to fully experience it so that you can get to the innate positive side of you.