Draggerd's Diary - My Avoidance to Intimacy

I have been on four dates in my life and for everyone of them i have a compulsion to escape eventually. Back in the day I inspired so many people to hurt me and I didn’t know why people were so cruel so I always believed that I was a defective human. Even though I was kind, i somehow didn’t deserve peace. So a girl wanting to hang out with me must be a sham.

I feel immense shame in awkward silence because an ideal person could keep the conversation going. I’m scared because i was given little reason to trust humanity. I don’t even make eye contact if I’m not in a conversation with you because i think im inferior.

When i know I’m uncomfortable with a another person’s presence, I will roll my lips into my mouth as if to hide how big they are. I’ll also pretend to be distracted looking at something when a stranger is approaching me in a hallway. Being ignored gives me permission and confirmation that i should hate myself.

I write this because my life is different now I no longer need any of these survival instincts. Im hurting new prople I meet because I think I’m still in the jungle and not in the city. My addiction to pornography and masturbation was inevitable given the environment i was in, but those times are over!

Today is my 80th day being sober and I’m ready to work at being close to people again.


Looks like you just need to practise. I can suggest book “How to make friends?” by Dale Carnegie. Of any other of thousands of books about this. Try few and choose these that really suits you. Make yourself some challenges, like today I will talk to 5 strangers on the bus stop, the next day compliment 5 people… whatever.

It’s hard, I’m still not the person that I want to be. But I keep on trying. I was totally lost, maybe similar like you. I read “Wild at heart” by John Eldredge to find out who am I really. It showed me what is my nature, what I should look for to find my real identity and happiness.

You try also some podcasts or online conferences. But it’s still only theory. You need to practise.
Maybe you have someone you can really call a “friend”. Talk to him. Or I don’t know, talk to priest during confession. Or find a coompanion here on rewire, I can try to be your companion if you want.

Even the most funny looking guide from wikihow about how not to be shy or how to make friends can be useful, because they show obvious and popular basics.