I have been on four dates in my life and for everyone of them i have a compulsion to escape eventually. Back in the day I inspired so many people to hurt me and I didn’t know why people were so cruel so I always believed that I was a defective human. Even though I was kind, i somehow didn’t deserve peace. So a girl wanting to hang out with me must be a sham.
I feel immense shame in awkward silence because an ideal person could keep the conversation going. I’m scared because i was given little reason to trust humanity. I don’t even make eye contact if I’m not in a conversation with you because i think im inferior.
When i know I’m uncomfortable with a another person’s presence, I will roll my lips into my mouth as if to hide how big they are. I’ll also pretend to be distracted looking at something when a stranger is approaching me in a hallway. Being ignored gives me permission and confirmation that i should hate myself.
I write this because my life is different now I no longer need any of these survival instincts. Im hurting new prople I meet because I think I’m still in the jungle and not in the city. My addiction to pornography and masturbation was inevitable given the environment i was in, but those times are over!
Today is my 80th day being sober and I’m ready to work at being close to people again.