I feel like a ship stuck in the middle of a desert. Weeks and months are passing by in the blink of an eye while I feel lifeless, unmotivated. I see people way younger than me achieving awesome goals and are more skilled than me. It makes me feel like a failure. I am a musician who left his steady job to pursue music. I earn through teaching for now. But I don’t have much students. So I earn very less. I live with my parents. I haven’t performed for a long time because I am very critical of myself. I used to do gigs during the early days after just quitting my job but i hated how i sounded. So i stopped doing that and decided to practice and improve first. And since then years have passed with a lot of time waste and addiction. Yes i have improved on my skills considerably but the amount of time i have wasted is way more. I am not just addicted to ■■■■, I am addicted to a whole spectrum of dopamine releasing addictions (■■■■, social media, Youtube, Netflix). Even when i try to quit any one of the addiction for eg: Binging on TV shows. I might not watch for 2 days but then i end up binging on the 3rd day. Same with PMO as well. My sleep patterns are fucked up as well. I’ll sleep at 2am, sometimes at 4am binging on content or just masturbating to get that high. I don’t have anyone with whom I can be vulnerable and unburden my mind. I wish I could. I have just 2 people with whom I speak which is mostly on phone and even with them I listen to their problems more than sharing mine because i am afraid of being judged. Also my wavelength is totally different from them and they won’t get it anyways. A lot of conversation is surface level stuff. Being an introvert I get bored of small talks quickly. I dont have any real friends. I lost touch with my contacts after college and dont feel deeply connected with anyone anymore. I miss the deep, vulnerable and imaginative conversations i used to have during my college days. I miss the magical feeling i used to feel in general about any task. Lately i dont feel anything strongly. It all feels like a blur. It feels like i am stuck in an algorithm out of which i am not able to break free. I have sudden bursts of motivation and start working to get out of my algorithm; but then again my brain goes on autopilot and ends up falling prey to the same patterns. I had a burst of motivation today as well. So i decided to do something about it before it fizzles out and I go on autopilot again…and here I am…I downloaded this app and decided to share what I feel. I have tried so many different approaches till now that this feels like throwing stone in a pond. But I am crossing my finger and hoping that the ripples it creates turns in waves on which I can ride.
I have been reading few people’s diary on this community. It has motivated me a lot. It feels like reading a novel. So interesting and more importantly relatable. It is so motivating to see people in their teens who are quite younger than me already on their way to freedom from this addiction. Watching them documenting their struggles, confusion and achievements, watching 16-17 yr old guys being so mature with their mindset (something which I didn’t have at that age) and the way they articulate their thoughts is surprising ! So now with all this motivation I am gonna start my journey. I am currently on Day 0. Tmrw I am gonna be on Day 1
Day 1
This is the 1st day of the journey that I have taken countless times.
What if this time I actually make it ? What if this is it? How amazing it would feel to read this post after 1 year of Freedom feeling proud that THIS was the day it all started ! The pull of my addiction is quite strong currently. I have been doing it twice a day in the past few days. So the withdrawal is gonna be strong as well. I wasted a lot of time today on YouTube and ended up watching some naughty stuff as well. But the thought of maintaining this dairy and documenting my journey stopped me from commiting a relapse. I’ll need to tackle my media addiction as well. But that needs to wait. I can’t fight too many addictions at once. For now let’s focus on masturbation addiction. Thats it for today. See ya tmrw.
Day 2
After almost a month I reached day 2 
Even today I was on the verge of failing. Ended up watching naughty reels today as well. Had almost made up my mind to start doing the deed but I felt ashamed about coming here and saying that I failed. And luckily at that time my friend called me up as well. So we spoke for a while and my urges went away. I am so glad I didn’t fail. Btw, I haven’t practiced my singing from many days. My voice feels weak. I need to get it back in shape. I’ll soon get my routine under control. Need to get back to meditating again. So many activities are out of touch. Time to get back on track!
What instruments do you play/teach bro?
I teach guitar, vocals and keyboards
I’m 28 years old and know nothing about music. Is it too late for me to learn how to play drums?
You got this man. Don’t give up. There are lots of people in this community to support you. You have more power than you think. I’m actually listening to more Berskerk and way of the warrior audiobooks it’s helping me and also writing in a journal to forget your in NO PMO. it’s almost as if you have to forget your in this walk because your doing other activities while your in it. Time flies when your having fun after all. I am actually practicing to play the acoustic guitar, I’m starting to like it as a hobby. I hope the best 
No man, its not late to learn to play instruments. i myself learned drums just a year ago and i am 25. What matters is not your age but your willigness and consistency plus dedication and you can surely learn it. it may appear difficult at first, but after you know the basics it gets a lot easier
I can relate to your story a lot man, i too have similar experiences as you. Being an introvert dealing with addictions is such a struggle. Because of pmo, i too have many setbacks in my life. For the last 3-4 years my addiction got so bad that i became such pathetic person. on the top of that i also had and still dont have anyone to share my story apart from this forum. Its been my personal struggle for idk maybe 10 years and i still struggle to this day. just few weeks ago i was relapsing multiple times a day all week. yet, i pushed myself and now i am alot better at abstaining. I try abvoid triggers as much as i can cause the urges are still there.
So, dont feel lonely man, we are on the same page battling our own battles
No. It’s not late. You can start learning at any age. As long as being the BEST drummer in the world is not your main goal, it’s ok to learn at any age. In fact, learning drums could boost your other aspects as well. Since drumming involves use of all 4 limbs, each doing a different thing simultaneously, your multitasking ability is enhanced. Drumming involves a wider range of motion as well. Hence it’s a good cardio as well. Go for it if you are interested!
I Relapsed (Day 0)
Today I practiced my singing after many days. It felt great to hear my voice resonating in the room. After practice I was very motivated and suddenly I remembered a song by one of my favourite singers. So I went to Youtube to watch his live performance. I watched a few videos in awe but I didn’t realise when I gradually started clicking on related videos and ended up in another territory and then my urges started building up. From there it went all down hill. Long story short - I relapsed thrice. I feel like shit.
I realised how important Meditation is. Because if my meditation skill was strong, I wouldn’t have landed in the erotic territory. I would have noticed myself drifting, the exact moment it happened, instead of unconsciously clicking videos after videos, watching and realizing afterwards but by then it’s too late. Thats how most of my day goes by. Many times I don’t even know I how I landed on Instagram. I be scrolling for an hour and then suddenly I am like, “what the fuck am I doing here?”
I am gonna start again and be on Day 1 tmrw.
Even though you relapsed, you’re on the right track. From PMOing twice a day to 3 days clean is progress. Try to do better next time. Remember, this is a gradual process. You’ve trained your brain over the course of years to seek this kind of dopamine hit. Unlearning these behaviours is gonna take time. Be patient and don’t give up.
1st April 2023
I have decided to take a new approach. I read Easypeasy method and watched a 38 min AVRT video. From what I gathered from the book and video is that, the moment I decide to quit my addiction, I am already FREE. There is no ‘x’ number of days after which I’ll become free. The ‘one day at a time’ method is counter-productive. It makes sense to me. For eg: If a Country wins independence on say April 1st 2023, it’s not gonna count Day 1, Day 2, Day 3… It knows it’s already free and the only thing they will do is try to get their country back to normal from all the damages done by colonizers. Counting days would mean that they are afraid of failing and they are trying to hold on to temporary success for as long as possible. Instead they are going to fix ‘April 1st’ as their Independence day and celebrate it every year as the day when they become FREE.
I am gonna do the same thing. I already believe that I am free. That mindset is very crucial according to the book and video. I even felt the effect of it today. Today I was watching an entertainment video on YT, there was a hot woman in it. I wasn’t watching it for the woman. She just happened to be in it. Normally I would go and check out that woman’s pics on Instagram or Google. But I found myself just brushing it aside because i am free of this habit and that means I am not gonna to perform any action if the intention behind it is to masturbate. If I find myself wanting to watch a video because I wanna arouse myself, then I won’t watch it. It felt quite easy. Now I know that its Day 1 for me and it’s easy to say things on the 1st day. But I still believe in this mindset especially because of the ease with which I was able to watch that video and not be bothered by the woman in it. So let’s see how it works out for me.
From now on you won’t find me posting Day 1 Day 2 etc. because according to me, I am already free. Instead I’ll just come here and describe my addiction free day and how my life is getting back to normal from all the damage that addiction has caused me. I’ll talk about other habits I am working on, my self-improvement etc. Unless I specifically mention that I have relapsed, I want everyone to assume that I have been free of addiction since April 1st 2023.
Hello Dimash , I am the moderator of this community. As the part of community guidelines , its necessary to include your username in your diary . Hope u got me. Thank you.
Go all the way into your craft. Don’t give up. Lean forward and not backwards. Don’t look so much into your days but more into what you do everyday. Try to accomplish little things or big things every day. Dopamine receptors need to normalize and seratonine feeling when completing those tasks will feel amazing. That’s the trick. Also if your that sensitive to erotic things. What I did is I went to this dating app and I just swiped right and trained my mind to not give in to urges. Only after you passed 7 days I did that because now I feel in control. That advice not for everyone but for me it’s working.
Thank you @WalkWithoutFear @CoffeeMan and @John22 for your replies. I appreciate the support!
4th April, 2023
I have been pleasantly surprised in these past 4 days. Not a single urge! I have been using FB, instagram, YT etc which means i have come across many tempting pics but i didn’t feel urge at all. Whenever i came across any video, reel or pic that is explicit i just scrolled past it. I even watched some videos in which there were hot women but since i was watching it for the content and not because of the woman, i didn’t feel urges. Ya, I felt little bit attracted few times but since i knew that i am free of addiction and that its no longer my lifestyle, i focussed on their vibes more than their body. In my mind i was going like, “There is no point focussing on their body because even if you get aroused you wont be able to fap since its no longer a part of your life. Either focus on their overall vibe or exit this video” It surprisingly felt very easy. Whenever i found myself wanting to click on something that was erotic, my mind automatically goes, “you wanna watch it because of the content or is it because of the thumbnail” and based on that i decide whether to watch or not. I know its only the 4th day and its not a big deal to many people but for me such a thing has never happened before. I have never b4 reached Day 4 urge-free. So the current method is definitely working for me.