Decaf's Diary: We Resist Forever

Diary
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NF Diary

Introduction

I’m a husband and father, which of course makes it humiliating to admit that I am working on giving up PMO. In fact, I have not begun a diary here because I have worried that it does look a bit bad… But I suppose this can serve as a warning to others.

Your PMO addiction can and will absolutely follow you into a marriage.

My married life has been able to give me a 164 day, 23 hour, 5 minute streak… But still, I’ve fallen, as recently as nine days ago from when this post was written.

The first years of using this app were rather fine as I was sexually active, but still found myself occasionally falling into PMO, particularly because I had a bad habit of thinking If I do PMO, I’ll be able to enjoy it more tonight because I’ll be more calm & cool, and also the bad habit of just resorting to PMO after a fight or some conflict that left me sleeping on the couch. I did not feel like I fully conquered it, but I did have very long streaks…

I had done quite well and I had gotten through, more or less, the period after the birth of our child where she did not feel any desire for activity…

Then, right as we were getting more comfortable after the birth, and we began being more active together again, her younger brother died. It was sudden and a complete tragedy, and it rightfully depressed her. Keep in mind, she was already stressed out and facing difficulties as a first time mother, and after giving birth many women are less interested in sexual activity, so it felt like we had just gotten it all back and then a few months later it was gone again.

Which led to me relapsing with a frequency I hadn’t had since I was a single man years & years ago.

… Now we are in a situation where sometimes she is willing to do it because the grief has left her, but she will sometimes stop… Right as we are getting involved. Or things that would normally lead to intimacy with her would occur, but then we wouldn’t do it, and it can make you feel very frustrated.

But I’m not giving up. It is against my religious beliefs to allow me to carry on such a dirty habit, and I have had too many miracles and blessings in my life to believe that I was put here to just feed my base desires.

I figure that keeping a diary may be able to help myself and maybe even someone else. At least, it can help with community building.

I’ll try to provide some interesting anecdotes, and perhaps I will also be able to provide some strategies to move forward and digest some of the trauma that we have from PMO addiction…

We Resist Forever
This name for the blog was inspired by a sign I saw one day from a protest – the whole motive behind the protest was the idea that they were the underdogs in this great geopolitical conflict, but that they would win because they would simply resist and persist.
The “we” is important to me because this is not just my fight – it is the fight of the whole world against PMO. It is not even a “national” or “civilizational” cause, it is a cause that touches people from every background and walk of life.
We may never win. This will go on forever. But that’s OK… Because we will resist forever.
Additional background

  • Orthodox Christian
  • Former alcoholic (addiction is just in my life)
  • American
  • I like everything – music, sports, reading. I can’t get enough of anything.
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I fell in the early hours of Saturday night - back to day zero (which is now day one).

I actually do not feel particularly upset by the issue, which I normally do, considering that it was around day nine that I felt some of the strongest and most persistent urges I had felt in years.

22 days into 2024 and two relapses. While this is not great, it’s pretty good considering where we are coming from, so there is a sense of progress.

More importantly: I am just not letting the shot & chaser effect get me. By that I am referring to the way in which you PMO, then justify another PMO a few hours later because you are just resetting a clock a few hours. You feel like you are gaming the system. Plus, besides this logic, you have opened a very old wound.

Half the battle is not relapsing twice in the first few days - the next half is keeping that energy going and being ready to battle those desires, IMO, so while it is a regrettable defeat, I feel like… I can get back into putting up good numbers.

I guess what makes me feel more positive than usual is that I also am aware that now I am keeping a diary here, which helps me expunge a lot of negative feelings and have a greater sense of accountability, and also… I just am not accompanied by the normal amount of despondency and pessimism.

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Another fall

There was a lot of stimulus that was occurring and my ego, after waking up in the middle of the night after the exciting moments I spent with my wife, thought that I could just take a peak… I spent an hour or so watching immoral material, and then at some point I was able to just put it down and sleep.

I am not someone who usually remembers his dreams, but I had one centered around s*x. Boy, oh boy, that didn’t help the situation, and before I knew it I was looking at garbage in my phone again and one thing lead to another…

I can blame the external factors that set off the chain of events. It absolutely makes sense that these triggers put an abnormal amount of stress on me and were huge factors in making me fall…

But who made the decision to make it worse by looking at stuff I shouldn’t? I did.

Who actually then just went and did it? I did.

It makes no sense to look at P when you are not in the mood… Why do that to yourself? It makes even less sense to look at it when you are in the mood because it will cause you to debase yourself.

Now I am back at zero.

No honor - but integrity and accountability, which will be my means of obtaining honor.

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How Quick It Can Fade

Throughout yesterday, it really felt like I was in brutal combat with the chaser effect - just wanting to relapse another time. This only abated in the evening…

And there really is no trace of it anymore.

Just a reminder to everyone that this is sort of like what all urges are. You may have a strong, seemingly insurmountable wave, and it could even last most of the day, but it inevitably normalizes. You’ll always be stronger and happier after you overcome it.

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The First Line of Defense

Our enemy generally is able to defeat us the second he breaks through the first line of defense. For when he gets through this first line of defense, we are actually at our very weakest, and he sends his greatest forces all at once.

The first line of defense I am talking about, of course, is not looking at stuff that makes you want to look at p0rn.

This means you should not be looking too close at people you think are attractive, taking in that big ‘eyeful’ of dopamine that sticks in your head all day.

This goes for whether you are on the street or with your phone - just avoid giving yourself the desire to look at p0rn.

The second line of defense is significantly weaker. You may have succeeded against the urge to do “M” & “O” after you get to “P,” and you might even be able to win 3 or 4 battles out of 5, so you feel confident that you can just take a peak… To satisfy curiosity. Or, an even sillier lie, you might think it will somehow take the edge off of your ongoing battle with lustful thoughts, somehow “satisfying” you.

That’s not the case, ever.

Never, ever look at P, and when you are, stop as soon as you have a sober thought, because the third & final line of defense is the hardest battle, and many consider it a relapse. When you are sitting there edging, you’ve already flooded your brain with dopamine and climbed down halfway to hell.

Now, that doesn’t mean to give in and proceed from M to O - it doesn’t have to be considered a full relapse - but who would deny that they are at their very weakest when they are in this position, on the very edge of losing?

So we ought to always remember that the first line of defense is the most important.

To avoid looking at p0rn, you avoid the triggers that make you look at it. The fight is always on - and the easiest way to succeed is to break off the negative and often subtle influences that will work you up and put you in jeopardy.

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I had a relapse 12 days ago - it came at a time of high stress and a lot of coffee plus general fatigue. Things just got completely away from me.

That is a common theme in any relapse… The mind is weak and gives free reign to the body.

Perhaps a real trick to overcoming all of this is to make the mind so strong that it can control the weak body, even when tired.

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We have to focus on what we Love and want to be more than the general distaste around a thing - love is stronger than hate.

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Day 12 of the streak

Fighting through lots of temptations - more than you would expect since I usually experience the third week of a streak as the make or break time.

But maybe this is a great mercy - if I can get this out of the way now, it will increase my dedication to the habit of pure living.

I have the perfect distraction tomorrow - will meet an old bud and will be quite occupied with catching up… I am going to pour a lot of energy into positive socialization here, creating a very celebratory and happy environment, and to empty out my energy doing something that gives me the dopamine rush I need to be distracted from desires that will crop up over the next days and weeks.

I want to get back to that very long 164 day streak and set a new record for myself by making it to 165…

Even though it’s day 12, that still starts now. Every moment is a new moment, and every moment let us refresh our commitment.

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Bro lemme give you a boost. As a father, do you want your son/daughter to become addicted to PMO? Or you wish them to embrace their happy and amazing life? Such contemplation should increase your rejection against PMO. Reject it from your heart, then you’ll win. No need to care about steak anymore; it only increases your stress and fear. Sorry a bit blunt but I truly wish you quit this addiction happily without struggle or guilt :slightly_smiling_face:

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Right on + thank you.

Some part of me knows that the streak is just a number, but then I find myself trying to correct it by just looking at the average length of streaks, etc., and that adds its own stressful component to this…

For a while, I used to avoid looking at my day because I felt like I would be doing better when I wasn’t paying attention.

Plus you’re completely right - I definitely do not want anything like this for my kid, and so overcoming this is not just for me but for her and for the society I want to leave behind for other people.

One of the people I follow has as his status something like “rule 1: all girls are my sisters” or some such, and I also think that is a helpful way to think about this… All the women I’ve ever seen in P have been somebody’s daughter. I hurt society when I look at garbage and give it views & clicks. I hurt myself and my family when I do so, too.

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Usually within 2-3 weeks, the urges seem to become stronger…

I experience it as being sharper - my senses are easily stimulated. There’s even almost a certain feeling of fullness in my head - like there’s an increased energy or vitality, but always my mind is saying this is because you are too deprived… You need to release it! Look at yourself, you are too interested in women…!

But in reality, this is me just being sharper, my senses less addled, my heads less clouded.

I can choose to use these sharper senses and greater feelings of vitality, my “fuller” mind for something completely outside of POM and ogling women.

The vitality that we feel after two or three weeks is what can continue with us for months and years if we keep our heads clean and our eyes on the prize.

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I have two suggestions for this:

  1. Contemplate what is inside woman’s body: blood vessels, fat, flesh, bones, organs… woman’s body has nothing good to crave for
  2. All women are my sisters. I truly wish them being healthy, safe and happy. I love them.

Great that you’re experiencing the benefits of noPMO! You can choose to pursue greater happiness, true happiness! :sunny:

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